The Devil on my Shoulder.
Posted January 14, 2012on:
Hi everyone! I’m so sorry I do not update often! I know I shouldn’t apologize for it, but I wish I could find more time to blog. I always want to post certain things but I just never seem to get to them. Even if it’s like a recipe, picture, Pinterest Pin I found (#addicted), etc… I just never actually post it and then later I’ll think, “Oh sh$t”.
In other news, things have been rocky. My knee is taking longer to heal then it is supposed to and I’m having to deal with the issue of if I can student teach. It seems like as soon as I’m on my feet everything gets out of whack. On Wednesday I had a doctor’s appointment so I hiked up to Shippensburg with my momma. We have not been on good terms at all lately, but I decided I wanted to bring her so she actually knows what is going on and doesn’t say I’m not asking my doctor the right questions, etc etc.
When we arrived,
I my mother described everything bad that has been going on for the past week, all the issues I’m facing, the pain, the discomfort, the swelling, the feeling my knee isn’t “tracking” right, and pretty much everything I’ve been complaining about for the past three weeks followed by, “I just want to kill myself.” I’m not going to lie, I’ve just about had it. I’m in a serious state of depression due to the constant uncomfortable feeling in my knee, the uncomfortable full feeling, and not doing anything with no results. It’s so frustrating and I’ve openly told my mom as soon as I wake up every morning, I just know there’s 14 long hours until I get to sleep and dream and not be uncomfortable with my knee. It sounds ridiculous, I know, and it sounds horrible, I know, but I’m just… on the edge all the time and crying all the time. I think most of all I’m scared… Scared it’s just not going to heal, because sometimes… Things really just don’t heal.
So back to my doctor’s appointment (#addtendencies). He pretty much said my leg looks better and the fact my tissue is inflammed is the reason for my discomfort/swelling. I just don’t know what to do about student teaching. If it doesn’t heal, I feel like I am not mentally sufficient to teach children. 1.) What kind of an example am I to children? A bad one. 2.) When I’m teaching, the whole time my focus is going to be on my knee. This is not okay for a teacher. 100% of my effort and attention should be on teaching my students. I feel this whole injury has just screwed up my whole desire to do anything. I know it has a lot to do with the eating disorder, but even that got to a much serious level than it was in previous years. I mean, at least before I would binge on ice cream and stuff. I ate chocolate like it was my job and at least would eat but as soon as this happened… I just ate all salads and fat-free cottage cheese. Yikes.
I just feel sick to my stomach ALL.OF.THE.TIME. It’s like there is a devil on my shoulder/devil inside of me saying, “You’re going to be like this forever. Don’t eat. Why are you eating to fuel your body? Eating is going to make you alive for one more day of discomfort. Don’t eat, don’t live, don’t be uncomfortable.” Yeah, when I say devil… I’m not joking. The little voice is a demon and it’s hard to fight him. Somehow, I do, but damnit… It’s hard.
Other than being a
nervous wreck calm, prepared student teacher… I have been baking, laying around, watching movies… Just wondering if I’m going to make it through student teaching. I’ve tried so many things the past few days to try and heal this in any way but nothing just seems to make it better except not moving and never moving.
Things I’ve tried:
1.) Hematosis Cream
2.) Icy Hot
3.) Multiple Kinds of Ibuprofen
4.) Knee wrap
5.) Zensah Compression Socks (Hot Pink, of course!)
6.) Most recent -> CW-X Stabilyx Tight (Got them yesterday) I hope these work, I haven’t taken them off yet haha!
7.) ICE ICE ICE and MORE ICE.
Things to maybe try:
1.) Massage (Lymphatic Drainage)
Has anyone tried these with an injury and found success?
I’d really like to hear if someone tried something for swollen tissue in the knee cap area. Let me know, please!
I can’t tell you how much blogging helps me get through tough times. There is nothing better than reading others blogs and to read struggles/give input. Not only does it reassure me of things, but it lets me know I’m not alone. I love getting to know you guys and finding inspirations/ways to cope with things. It helps so much.
Thank you so much.
I hope everyone is having an amazing weekend! I have to go get my chocolate chip cookies out of the oven!
Catch you on the flip side!