Happy Belated “Sit on your tooshie” Day!

No need to do any labor on Monday πŸ˜‰ If it was a weekend for you, I hope you enjoyed your day off. Did I mention I only have classes on Tuesday/Thursdays this semester? Yeah, so pretty much every weekend is a four day weekend for me. I see this as a good thing because I have more time to do things; however, I find myself not doing any work and I’m alllllready noticing I’m going to be behind fast, so I gotta work on priorities!

Priorities Now:

  • Visiting health food stores in surrounding areas

Some local peanut butter + Brown Basmati Rice!

Corn, Peaches, and Apple from Farmer's Market!

  • Finding Justin’s Maple Almond Butter (no packets, all jar!)
  • Working out, of course!
  • Watching Regis and Kelly
  • Baking banana bread and cooking a thousand things.

Healthy Whole Wheat Banana Bread!

Protein Powder Pancakes! SO good!

Pumpkin Oats + Barney Butter + Syrup + Cinnamon

Salad BEAST. SO. FREAKING. GOOD.

Priorities Needed:

  • SCHOOL WORK, SCHOOL WORK, SCHOOL WORK

So much reading and note taking. Yuck.

  • Tons of reading
  • Powerpoint Presentation
  • Organize my books and things still

So, here are some pictures to explain what I’ve been doing the passed few days…

Now, I want to talk about something serious. I’m in the progress of writing about what I went through. “My story” if you prefer me to call it something. It’s going to take me a little bit of time because I want to make sure to include the right information and not too much information. To keep things short and sweet, but explain the important things… For right now, there is one thing which is a love/hate when I come to school…

Freedom. In a nutshell, I love it… However, I find myself skipping more meals at school because I don’t feel anyone pressuring me to eat more. I have no one to “prove” to that I’m eating enough and sometimes this is a really bad situation. I’m trying so hard to gain weight and my mindset has changed a lot recently but it just seems really hard sometimes. I want to gain muscle/weight but not fat. I want everything I’m gaining to look good and not sag or cause the dreaded muffin top. I know I do have muscle and things, but I am starting to realize I’m too thin. Actually, this is the thinnest I’ve been in my life. Here are some pictures to explain what I’m referring to with what is “wrong”.

WARNING: Pictures may cause triggers for some with ED/bad eating habits or those in recovery.

PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
I know this is going to turn a lot of bloggers away from my blog, but I know those of you who understand and know I’m doing this just to get the right advice/feedback will understand. I know there is a fine line on what to post and hopefully I’m not going to step over any boundaries.

EDIT: I decided to delete the photos. I thought about it over and over and I believe those pictures should be private for now and hopefully when I do get better, I’ll show you a comparison. πŸ™‚

This is an emotional rollercoaster ride, let me tell you. I’ve been eating things I haven’t eaten forΒ  long time. When I got surgery, I completely cut fat out of my diet… Everything had to be fat free. I stopped eating a lot of peanut butter and stopped snacking on dried fruit or anything for that matter. I do believe things like whipped cream and syrup are okay to get “fat-free” or “sugar free” but I was to the point I wasn’t eating any beans, rice, fish, anything really. I realized the other day I’m starting to run again… So why the hell am I still eating all non-fat foods? Disordered eating really does sneak up on you. It grabs hold and changes your body quickly. Before you know it, your completely unhealthy, too thin, fragile, and controlled my a disordered mentality.

I am SO DETERMINED to re-kindle my love with food.

After all, I consider myself an athlete…
What athlete doesn’t fuel their body? Isn’t the point of exercising to enjoy it, sustain a healthy mind, and eat foods to nourish and provide energy, nutrients, and fuel?

Right now, I should not consider myself an athlete.
Athletes do not harm their bodies/minds by restriction.

Questions:

Did you ever find yourself in an unhealthy eating pattern? Did you realize you were eating unhealthy or were you suddenly startled by your appearance?

What characteristics do you associate with an athlete?

Do you deal well with freedom? (Money, Schoolwork, Partying, College, etc.)

I LOVE inspirational quotes, SO PUT SOME OF YOUR FAVORITES! πŸ™‚

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20 thoughts on “Happy Belated “Sit on your tooshie” Day!

  1. hunni you are so brave!!! I dont have any inspirational quotes but please please please listen to the song more beautiful you by johnny diaz. you are beautiful and special just the way you are! remind yourself of this every day. if you ever need anything please let me know!!

  2. Girl I’m SO SO excited you commented on my blog so I could find yours because holy cow we’re so similar! Your eats look flipping delicious, and I admire your strength so much on this road to recovery. I just know you WILL rekindle that love with food and get healthy again–with God’s help, anything is possible! If you ever want to talk, feel free to shoot me an email girl πŸ™‚
    And for inspiration, I TOTALLY agree with cjh002, Johnny Diaz’ “More Beautiful You” was one of the most moving songs that helped me in recovery.
    I cannot wait to read more, definitely gonna be a follower! πŸ™‚ Stay strong and keep your head up buddy, you rock!

    • Hi lady! I know, our stories are so, SO similar. Like you, I want to build muscle and try to get into weight lifting and stuff. I did get healthy, gained muscle, then got unhealthy again but continued to lift. Now I just look awkwardly skinny with arm muscles but boney shoulders. UCK. I’m really happy to “meet” you! πŸ™‚

  3. please let me know if you ever want to talk! i definitely struggled at one point with food; i consider myself to be “thin” now, but at my worst, I was about 7 pounds lighter, which I can’t even imagine now. It’s weird because I don’t remember seeing myself for what I was– scary skinny. I know you will achieve a healthy relationship with food. You are strong & beautiful!

    • That’s exactly how it started… You just lose weight but don’t really realize it on your own body until one day you look in the mirror and you think, “Uhm… where did my strength/curves/body go?”. It just hits ALL OF A SUDDEN. It’s not like I want to look gross, you know? It just really stinks because it’s hard to come back from it.

  4. I have totally been where you are at except you are alot smarter than me!! I didnt want to change and didnt want to gain weight. I was eating no fat, counting every calorie, and barely eating carbs!!Finally I did gain and it was tough but you are so strong to fight as hard as you are!! Remember eating fat doesnt make you fat, its actually helped me to lose weight lately!! Im praying for you and sending hugs your way!! I cant wait to read your story whenever you get it finished πŸ™‚

    • When I got injured I pretty much cut all fat out of my life and barely ate any carbs… Honestly, the only fat I got was oatmeal, whole wheat flour, and peanut butter. Otherwise, I think EVERYTHING I ate was fat free. Thank you for the hugs and I’m definitely trying to complete this story but it’s hard with school and everything right now. Little at a time πŸ™‚

  5. randomly came across your blog, glad I did. Fantastic post! I have always enjoyed this quote:

    Every minute you are thinking of evil, you might have been thinking of good instead. Refuse to pander to a morbid interest in your own misdeeds. Pick yourself up, be sorry, shake yourself, and go on again. – Evelyn Underhill, 1875-1941

  6. I think getting support from those who understand what you are going through is soooo important!!! Explaining your story will be helpful for you to express yourself but also to find people who relate. I feel like we’re twins haha I’m an athlete (in the boot with stress fracture ughhh), a teacher, and struggled with an eating disorder…it is like a constant battle in your head and you go back and forth all the time about doing the “right” thing. It’s hard!! If you want to talk more we can!! You can do it!! πŸ™‚

    • I know, my mind is so back and forth. One day I’ll be so ready to just keep eating then the next day I just don’t want to eat anything at all because I feel like I’m just getting fat instead of “healthy fit”. Especially being a teacher (soon-to-be), I really need to work on growing up and becoming an adult. Someone who will inspire kids to be HEALTHY. I can’t wait to get to know you more!!

  7. I third the song more beautiful! Awesome song! I appreciate your honesty, strength and courage. Over-coming or at least getting one step ahead of an eating disorder/disordered eating is a very hard road to travel but approach each day as a new day and continue to fight. I too love inspirational quotes, kinda obsessed!

    Katie : )

  8. I totally know what you mean! Sometimes the bad habits creep up on you. I used to have a disorder too, but when I’m eating healthfully and exercising I become less and less obsessive due to the guilty cycle…
    Keep going for it! You are an incredibly strong girl!
    Also, you should totally post the recipe for those protein pancakes…they look to die for!

  9. Girl I am a new reader and I love your blog! I think a lot of girls go through this but some of us (like me) aren’t brave enough to share it, especially on my blog. There are often days that I feel I ate too much and decide the next day I will make sure I don’t eat enough…just to balance it out. This is NOT the right way to eat because like you, I want to fuel my body properly so that I can continue running and exercising. We are athletes and we must eat so that we can perform. I am so happy that I came across your blog. I can’t wait to read more πŸ™‚

  10. That’s the balance I’m struggling with RIGHT NOW. Last night, I legit at half of that banana bread I made and now I just don’t want to eat pretty much all day. It’s such a vicious cycle. I need to not just stuff my face though to gain weight, I need to try to eat balanced meals. This is just SO hard. Especially since banana bread is not going to fuel my body, it’s just going to leave me feeling lazy. I love your blog and I was inspired by it for a couple weeks now, so I’m happy to get to “meet” you. I hope this blog allows me to connect with everyone to help me gain weight in a healthy/athletic way.

  11. Girl!!! ❀ You will get there one day. It's really good that you realize you're not eating enough. Honestly I also want to gain "muscle and not fat" but in the end I realize that bodies DO need fat on it to stay healthy. For instance: Now when I go swimming I don't get the shivers/constant goosebumps/purple lips because my organs are now protected by some fat. Fat isn't all that bad πŸ™‚ and it won't come on all of the sudden if you're working out and staying in shape. It comes but you'll still be toned.

    and what you said about the eating disorder sneaking up on you.. I can completely relate. I don't know when it started but it was there, and it started to get worse and worse.

    You will become an athlete again! Just take small steps forward. One day at a time πŸ™‚

  12. I know this is a super old post but the way you said eating disorders “sneak up on you” really resonated with me. I’m in recovery now and am at a healthy weight (not fully mentally recovered yet), but in retrospect I’ve realized that I had disordered eating habits for 3+ years before getting to the point of being skeletal, cold all the time, unable to think, etc. It’s hard sometimes with all the healthy eating hype and low fat/calorie/EVERYTHING out there when you’ve crossed the line; I would refuse to eat anything I didn’t know the calories in and fantasized about “bad” foods all the time while simultaneously judging people (I was really just jealous that they could LET themselves) who ate them. Recovery is a long, painful road but so so worth it. Good luck and know that you always have someone out there who’s gone through the same thing and has felt the same exact pain you’re feeling.

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