I don’t like this.

I feel so alone right now.

I love my apartment, but I am always by myself.
My roommate is either with her boyfriend or stays upstairs all the time. Even when I’m downstairs doing homework/watching television… She NEVER comes downstairs to just hang out with me.

My knee has been swollen lately and I feel it’s never going to get better. Of course, it’s swelling now that I’m trying to eat more. Yesterday I ate three meals and then stuffed my face with (no exaggeration) half of my banana bread. I don’t understand. I ate meals throughout the day and still stuffed my face? It’s like I can eat everything or nothing at all.

Then this morning my workout was terrible. I could only do 10 minutes of “cardio” which was the arc trainer on 25 resistance because my knee was just so… Stiff. Then I made oatmeal tonight and about 30 minutes later sat and ate about half of the container of that bean salad I made. I feel disgusting.

I can’t stop crying. I just feel so bad right now. My knee is swollen so I can’t even go and bike at the gym to maybe feel better about eating SO much at once. This is horrible. And I’m alone. And it sucks.

This is going to be so hard.

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15 thoughts on “I don’t like this.

  1. hunni your knee is swelling because your body is trying to send a message. do not feel bad for nourishing yourself properly. You still have a long way to go in your recovery and honestly the only reason you want to go to the gym is the work off the calories you consumed. that is a terrible reason to exercise…i know because i used to do it too. the more you sit with the uncomfortable feelings, the easier they will get. i promise. good luck my dear. i am here if you need support.

    • Honestly, I really don’t believe I go to the gym to primarily focus on calories. I don’t do anything during the day because I don’t really have any friends here. Having classes Tues/Thursday gives me no reason to go to campus the other days or see anyone in my classes because, well, we don’t have any. Everyone else has separate lives and my roommate does not want anything to do with me it seems. I’ve been fueling my body more and me knee is getting worse… I find it weird. I just don’t understand.

      I can only be optimistic for so long when everything is getting worse around me.

      • I shouldnt have assumed anything, I apologize. and i understand not having any friends. a lot of days i sit at home wondering what the heck to do to fill my time. as far as your knee goes have you gotten it checked? Someone once told me restriction intereferes with our bodies perception of pain, like a numbing agent, so we dont realize how much damage we do until further along in recovery. I notice that now with my lowerback and all the bone loss I have.
        I hope you hve a nicee weekend.

  2. 😦 I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this girl. I know it’s probably the biggest battle you’ll ever have to face, but you just gotta keep telling yourself how it’s gonna be worth it in the end. You’re getting healthier, stronger, and more beautiful every day you work at this. I believe in you!! You WILL make it through this, I just know it! πŸ™‚

    • It seems like a long ways away. Honestly, if my knee would heal and actually get better… I would be a lot better. I’m always SO worried about it and I constantly have to ice it and take care of it and watch how much I walk, etc. I just want it to get better so I can actually feel like I can live my life. 😦

  3. Awwwr, hun, I’m so sorry that you’re having such a rough time right now. I know it’s frustrating to feel like you’re doing everything right, and then feel even worse, but you’re doing the right thing… you just have to give it some time. I went through a lot of periods like that in recovery, and I remember wondering why the heck I was fighting so hard when I wasn’t feeling any better. It DOES get better, so don’t give up. The first little bit is the worst, but stay strong and it will get easier ❀

  4. im so so sorry you are having a rough time!! I know how hard and frustrating recovery is!! It seems like there are so many rough patches but its important to remember what you are fighting for!! Its going to be so worth it in the end when you are happier and healthier πŸ™‚ sending hugs your way ❀

  5. Awww I know it’s hard and the feeling just plain sucks!!! I know it feels like you are alone but you aren’t…the beginning of any school year is so difficult and change is HARD and you have a lot of changes all at once. It’s hard not exercising, it’s hard not knowing what is going on with your injury and not having a timeline as to when you’ll actually feel better, it’s hard gaining weight and dealing with the terrible thoughts that go with it, and it’s hard starting the school year especially when you feel alone. How far are you from home? Do you go back home often? Maybe if you decide on a weekend to go home, it will give you something to look forward to and a little escape from school. I saw your comment to me about student teaching…are you doing that next semester? I LOVED my student teaching…I truly believe that is what “forced” me to get better…my advisor pulled me aside and told me that I needed to be a role model for my students and look the part. We had a very long conversation about things and I eventually had to get some help and thank goodness I did. Student teaching gave me something to look forward to every day rather than the same classes, etc. If you want to talk more about it let me know!!! πŸ™‚ You will be able to do this, I know you will!!!!! You have many people pulling for you!!!
    “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
    Megan xoxo

  6. I’m sorry you are struggling so much…it’s the worse feeling, I understand. Having to “sit” w/ your feelings is prObably the best thing for you right now but yes, the hardest! Email me girl if you want to chat more! Hugs

    Katie : )

  7. hey girl! πŸ™‚ i felt compelled to comment because i recently have recovered from my obsessions with restriction and eating only healthy foods. there was about a 3 month period that was ABSOLUTELY AWFUL. i was eating 3 meals and a random snack at some point during the day, getting in the calories that i was “supposed” to eat, and yet had a HUGE URGE to eat, and eat, and eat from like 8 p.m. to midnight. i would wake up feeling so guilty, vowing to not do it the next day….and then the next day would come and i would do it again. it was not until about a full 3 or 4 months of completely normal eating that the urge started to subside. now, i eat 3 full meals and a normal size bedtime snack…and by “normal,” i mean normal for me—which is about 350 calories. so, please do not be discouraged and think you are weird or out of control. it will take your body several months of normalcy to make up for the many, many months of restriction. hang in there and remember that if you keep trudging forward, your body will naturally lose its urge to eat large quantities at night. stay strong, it’s worth it!!

  8. Awe girl! I’ll come up to Philly and hang out with you! It’s only a short distance.. okay 45 minutes but it would so be worth it! πŸ™‚ We could walk around, check out some sites, it would be a blast!

    Don’t get discouraged. people have binges, it happens to the best of us. We all go through those periods where we stuff our face with something we didn’t intend to do. Like last night I stuffed my face with froyo, I went back for seconds.. The first time in years. I felt so guilty but I also loved it. I’ve talked about binging with my nutritionist the other day. It happens to everyone, you’re not alone. You’re doing the best you can. We’re all here to help you!

    Email me (pumped4pumpkin@gmail.com) if you EVER need to talk about anything or want to vent. We can even skype if you want to!

  9. I’m so sorry you are struggling right now dear! I bet blogging helped a little. I know writing things down always helps bring me some clarity. As Katie said, sometimes it’s better to sit with our feelings than fight them.

    I bet you’ll feel really good if you find an activity outside of the gym that you can get involved in. Have you thought about volunteering? I know colleges and the surrounding areas usually have tons of opportunities for that and I KNOW it will make you feel better. As a bonus you’ll probably meet a whole bunch of people and make some new friends!

    Stay strong beautiful!

  10. up your calories girl, have even more at meals, and just more all around. I know it is easier said than done, but your body needs to heal and get healthy again. I really hope you are seeing someone to help with your disordered thoughts, feelings, and actions. The knee injury is actually prob a blessing is disguise, you do not need to be going to the gym in your state, you may not feel as sick as you really are and you could be doing extreme damage to yourself in the long run. I really hope you can get help , you do not need to do this alone!

  11. I know I’ve never even talked to you or met you or even commented on your blog (just found it btw and wow <3) but I so want to give you a big hug right now! I have been in a situation where I felt exactly the same and know how hard it is, but things WILL always get better. you must remember that everything happens for a reason. I know it is such a hard feeling to try and be at peace with yourself and tears are good because they help you get through the 'I feel shitty' times and come out the other end with a better understanding of yourself. Wish I lived in America as I'd be over there like a shot cheering you up with all my goofy stories! Everything will get better and you will feel better but it wll take time. Stay strong and trust in what your body wants to heal πŸ™‚

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