I wrote this post last Wednesday…

And still  have not uploaded the photos to go with it.
I’m such a novice blogger. Ooof. But here it is 🙂

 

Guess what I found?! LIBBY’S PUMPKIN! Okay, I’m not going to lie… I did squeal a little bit. I should probably stay out of that Giant for a couple of days because they probably have a sign reading, “WANTED: Crazy Girl Seen Hugging/Hoarding Libby’s Pumpkin” Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m going to fill a cart. Not even joking. Is that wrong? I didn’t think so.

Being kicked out of Giant is going to be an issue when I need last minute items, like cinnamon. My apartment is in walking distance of Giant. Do you know how awesome it is? Pretty awesome. Especially because I love Giant’s salad bar. And guess what this Giant has?! BLUE CHEESE CRUMBLES. Awwww yeahhhh! Those are hard to find on salad bars… At least around these parts. Well, the salad is actually Strawberries, Spinach, Blue Cheese, and Bacon… But I pick out the blue cheese. Just another reason Giant has a wanted sign of me pasted inside. Ooof.

On another note… I found a few good things. Try this can of pumpkin for instance. I found this at a farmer’s market before Libby’s was found in Giant. I think I’ll keep this momma for the summertime. Yeah, hoarding at it’s finest. Also, Thompson’s Bagels now have “Limited Edition” pumpkin bagels. Uhm, yum! I mixed greek yogurt + pumpkin + cinnamon and used it as “cream cheese” in my bagel. Holy moly, it was so good. You must try it! I would have a picture butttt it was put together in 5 minutes and thrown in my bag as my “dinner” between my 5 hour block of classes.

 

So yesterday I had a bad eats day. I didn’t make my calorie mark by far. Actually, this whole eating more thing is stressing me out. I can get enough calories for the day easily. I can sit down and eat about 800-1000 calories of sweet potato fries lickity split. BUT sweet potatoes don’t really have fat in them. That’s my problem. I need fat in my diet… Except everything I like is nonfat. Ever since I was a baby, my mom has given us nonfat milk. If I drank milk at a friend’s house who had two percent, the only way I could drink it was if it was chocolate milk. Simply put, I hate thicker dairy products. 1%. Ew. It grosses me out. I don’t like the creaminess and I never have liked it…  So, cottage cheese, milk, yogurt, even cheese… I like it to be non-fat. Otherwise, it seriously grosses me out. I know what you’re thinking but there was an instance when Starbucks put regular milk in my latte [those bastards] and I couldn’t even drink it. The milk just coated my mouth. Ugh. Yuck yuck yuck. With this being said, it’s hard for me to get fat through anything.

Should I focus on calories for now or just fat?

I got so stressed out the other day, I broke out in a sweat. My heart rate increases because I get so upset. I want to eat certain things but I know I should be eating other things. Then, after I eat what I “should eat”, I’m left so unsatisfied that I could cry. I just get so overwhelmed with trying to pick the right foods, I’m missing out on what I really  want to eat. I didn’t even do a presentation because I couldn’t get myself to concentrate on it. This is what I’m afraid is going to happen.  I got a salad from Giant and covered it with chickpeas, imitation crab, and blue cheese. And you know what? The whole time I was eating it, I was wishing that I had my old salads back. I liked cottage cheese better than blue cheese. And I don’t really want chickpeas on my salad. It didn’t taste nearly as good.  It’s not even the calories which bothered me. I mean, I’m all about eating more… Even though I feel gross all the time. But the fact I was so unhappy with what I was eating just upsets me. I bothers me when I eat oatmeal for breakfast, then I want another bowl around dinner. Is it bad to eat it twice in one day? I mean, honestly, my bowl of oatmeal is probably the most fat-dense meal I eat… considering I smother it in peanut buttah… So, is it okay? Or is it completely not nutritious to eat that much oatmeal? UGH. I can’t believe I didn’t do the presentation. My mind is just so focused on making myself better. I don’t know how to balance everything.

So again, should I focus on calories or fat? Who knows. 😦

My mom brought up the fact I should just “eat tons of ice cream” since I have an excuse to do so. But, like I said in my prior post… I don’t want to get addicted to sugar. Last year of my spring semester, I became reliant on a big tub of frozen yogurt to keep me happy. It made up for my loneliness and stress throughout the day. It was frozen yogurt and dark chocolate treats which became my best friend… Until the next day when I woke up feeling gross and extremely tired. The sugar would just overwhelm my body. Sometimes I couldn’t sleep at night because I would just be so hyped on sugar. Then, I would wake up feeling absolutely terrible and have to sit through class all day. I mean, yeah I was fueling my body. But with what? Terrible things. Not nutrients. Not vitamins. Maybe calcium… Moderation is key, I guess. But I can’t moderate. That’s why I don’t want to even start bringing those things back into my life. I’d rather sit and eat a pound of sweet potatoes, please.

I know I’m not going to get a lot of people staying on my blog when I’m writing pages and  pages about my life dealing with food. A lot of people do not read blogs to read about people bitching about their lives. In fact, I’m sure people like Julie and Janae can’t stand blogs like this… I think I give blogging a bad name. Maybe this should be considered more a journal? Yeah, maybe. Oh well. I just hope you guys know I’m doing this because I want to get to know people and I want individuals to get to know/help me through this process.

IMPORTANT: PLEASE GIVE ANY THOUGHTS, EXPERIENCES, ETC. ON GOING TO A THERAPIST.

I am contemplating going but I have always looked as therapists as a joke [sorry to those out there,  it’s nothing personal] my whole life. I’ve always just said they were pointless, but with everything I’m going through… I thought maybe I should give it a shot. I’m such an independent person, though. Should I go??? I would like to know what you guys think! PLEASE give any feedback you can. It would be A LOT to me!

 

 

Sorry for taking so long guys, and sorry it’s pretty bland. I understand if you’re bored. Haha, hope everyone had a good weekend!

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16 thoughts on “I wrote this post last Wednesday…

  1. First of all, you’re not giving blogging a “bad name.” Stop thinking negative thoughts about yourself! Other bloggers aren’t going to judge you because you have a different blog focus than they do. I did see a therapist when I was diagnosed with anorexia and thank goodness I did. I had the same exact view that you did about therapists and most likely because my parents are very private people and aren’t into “feelings” and talking problems out. My counselor was (is) the best. I saw her in college and she saved my life. I started seeing her again recently because I’ve been having some food and exercise issues again. If you find the right person, they will become an important lifeline to you. A nutritionist/dietician is a good resource as well. Let me know if you have any other questions! I want to help you because I relate to what you’re going through and I have great hope that you’re going to overcome this and come out on the other side!!

  2. Yay for libbys pumpkin!! I just found some too! 😀
    I think a therapist or nutritionist would help immensely. I went to a therapist for awhile and she really helped me get my thoughts sorted out. I know you can beat this girl, you’re so strong and brave. I’m behind you 100% 🙂

  3. I dont think you should focus on either one, It obvioulsy upsets you.You do need fat!! Im the exact same way as you are, in fact we may be twins 🙂 I wouldnt eat fat because i convinced myself i didnt like it. I loved fat free milk, cheese, and yogurt, still do. But when i really started trying fat, I realized I did like it. I love cookies, peanut butter, avocado, and mac and cheese!! It was hard for me to accept my body actually needed these foods i deemed “bad”. After I started eating them my hair grew back and i felt better. Take it from me, eat fats in moderation and honestly your body will telll you when it needs more fats. Then still eat the fat free foods you like. Plus eating fats will help get your calories up to weight gaining range. I know how annoying it is for parents to try to get you to eat loads of ice cream (mine tried it) but i just explain to your parents that wont help. Its not really healthy for anyone, even people underweight. Your parents love you and just want to see you happy and healthy.
    P.S. pumpkin spice bagels are my new obsession since i found them last week at Publix!!!

  4. You can blog about whatever you want! I think a therapist and a nutritionist would be extremely beneficial to you right now. It’s hard, believe me, I understand but sometimes we just have to let others help us and try to let go of all the control we think we need to have. In reality it’s the disorder that has the control. I think foods higher in fat may help you achieve the “full” feeling you are unable to attain. Your body is hungry and telling you that so don’t feel bad for feeding it. Stay strong!

    Katie

    • I think the higher fat foods are needed, too. But I ate a salmon wrap the other day and wasn’t satisfied. 😦 And it was a lot of food, not just like a tiny thing of salmon. Haha. And I think a therapist is in order, as well. You’re right. It is REALLY hard. Hopefully I can get myself to go next week when school opens back up.

  5. It sounds like seeing a therapist and nutritionist would really help, a lot, if you are honest and open up. It sounds like you are going through some rough stuff, and you are not along and people are there to help you. You can do this girl, you are strong and if you reach out for help and power through the rough times and not so fun stuff life will get better when you can break away from your eating disorder! Honestly, you sounds deprived, like your brain is deprived of nutrients, once you establish a healthier weight and lifestyle you and your whole body will be so much happier, your mind will finally heal too, and these scattered and anxious thoughts will finally go away but it takes time and hard work. You can so do this! Stop with the low calorie foods tho, keep the low fat dairy if that is what you like but buy hearty breads, not flat out light stuff, no low fat (duh! 😀 ) or light stuff, hopefully your laughing cow cheese isn’t the “light” version, you need the non light stuff where ever! Bulk up your meals, add oils to everything, butter to breads, snack on nuts a lot, these things will add fats and won’t make you feel too full and are whole foods not “junk”. But allow yourself junk if you want, have ice cream when you want, add nuts on top or something. Buying the low cal versions or “light” stuff” is a hard to break habit, but buy the calorie dense stuff and with each thing remember you are making yourself healthy for the future, giving yourself a chance at a fun and happy life, not a sad and scary thin life full of worry. You deserve to be happy 😀

  6. Hi girl,

    Eliminating fats, I do the same. And it’s not about the calories (like you said), it’s about the taste and the texture of food. I do not like creamy, fatty food too.
    You know what I really hate? Salads (which I loooove) drizzled with some olive or any nut oil. I haaaate it when my lips shine from the oil after eating it…

    But you said it right: we just need fat, so we really have to eat them. What about the healthy good fats just like avocado, salmon (smoked!), nuts and seeds? Do you like these?
    If you don’t like regular milk, yogurt etc., just eat your non-fat dairy products, but search for other ways to eat the good fats.

    Seeing a nutritionist or therapist really could help. I’m looking right know for a nutritionist who is experienced in working with eating disorders. I also need someone who helps me to give a proper and healthy diet but who knows it’s pretty hard for me to gain weight or just eat more calories.

    Good luck girl! We support you!

    • I love salmon and fish, so I’m hoping to somehow incorporate more of those. Fish is a hard thing to mix things with, besides salads or eating it by itself. Lol. I don’t really like avocados or guacamole, only in things I really can’t taste it too much. Haha. Like sushi 🙂

      I was thinking about seeing a nutritionist but I think with school + if I go to a counselor, it’s just TOO many things to have on my plate. Plus, I have random doctors appointments for my knee and even that gets stressful if my workload is tight!

  7. YES see one.. they are annoying sometimes.. and we all hate them but love them too- u dont have to open up like crazy, but eventually you get used to it! just STICK TO IT! its goingto suck and feel uncomfortable at first but jut talking helps SO much!! also if u dont like them.. try a new one! i tried like 10000 until i found the right one!

  8. my darling i think therapy is wonderful. i go once a week and my husband and I also go to marriage counseling. its really helpful and makes me learn communication in better ways than restriction and exercise.
    as far as fat and calories goes, i think you need to focus of feeling satisfied but eating ENOUGH calories a day.
    I had this debate with my nutritionist one week and she said as long as i meet my minimums for certain nutrients, i really should eat what i want. if i miss the mark, make it up the next day. it helps recovery be a bunch more fun.
    i hope this helps. oxoxo

    • I’m gonna try it! Thank you for the feedback 🙂 And I’m definitely focusing on calories right now. I decided I need to adjust one thing at a time. Right now, I need to focus on just EATING more and eating enough. I need to get my body used to just eating in general. I’m just hoping I’m doing enough!

  9. This is your blog and you can write about whatever you want.

    As far as fats go, I don’t know what I’d do without almonds and nuts. I know you eat peanut butter, but almonds are also a good option, along with almond butter. I don’t think you should focus on specific macros, I’ve always heard if you got enough calories the macros would work themselves out… and like you, I prefer skim or 1% milk, and fat free dairy products.

    I’ve been to a few therapists, some I liked, one I didn’t. It’s just like a doctor, sometimes you have to go through one or two to find a fit, not every therapist is for every body.

    Pumpkin bagels sound so delish!

  10. This is your blog!!!! Do not be afraid to speak your mind 🙂

    Olive oil is one of my favorite fats, as well as nut butter. Don’t worry about eating a lot of oatmeal.. I eat cereal and pb 2-3x a day!

  11. Blog/journal..whatever you wanna call it, it is YOUR outlet, do with it what you want! Who cares what anyone else thinks. Those who like what you have to say will read and those who don’t won’t read it. But the ones who do read are reading because they relate to YOU, not what you’ve made up because it’s what blogging is “supposed” to be. Keep doin yo thaaang! 🙂

    As far as therapists go? I would not recommend going to one. Personally, my experience sucked. I have bulimia, and during my lowest point of it, I really started reaching out for help, which at the time a therapist seemed needed. My first therapist pretty much bought into my nonchalant attitude and despite what I told her I was doing, she thought I really didn’t have it that bad. So we switched. The next therapist used a lot of “when WE binge and purge it makes US..blah blah..” and that drove me bananasandwich because she had never had any experiences with eating disorders. Half the time she would tell ME how I was feeling and was just going about my recovery the wrong way. If you do get a therapist, I would make sure it’s one who can relate to you, not just one who specialized in eating issues.

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