The Bad Days…

When you eat half of a loaf of banana cornbread…
half a bag of microwave veggies…
sliced cheese…
and about 1000 calories of dried, un-sulphured mango…
You find yourself asking why.

Why me? Why am I here? Why am I doing this…?
Why can’t I eat normally?
Why is it that my roommate barely eats anything, but I sit here and eat all of this in just one sitting…
But I’m the one who doesn’t eat enough?

Why must I sit here and cry…
and why did I throw my personal life away?
Because right now… I have no one to talk to.

Bad parent relationships + not being able to do anything because of my knee…
Equals a low, low time. A lot of ALONE time.
Too much alone time.
In fact, I’m alone all of the time.

So what do you do?
When you’re crying because you just eat and eat…
Then feel awful because you could have split it up into three separate meals…
Or ate something you actually wanted… Not something you felt you had to eat.

This is so difficult sometimes.


11 thoughts on “The Bad Days…

  1. *hugs* it happens to me too. I come home at night and binge out on junk, and then realize I basically wasted my calories, when I could’ve had quality food that I wanted or something that would fuel my body for workouts and not just make me that much hungrier.

    I would say try to get out of the house… I do a painting class occasionally and it really helps me. It’s a nice way to channel your thoughts, really. I would definitely try some sort of art or maybe volunteer work (I do that too- volunteer XC coach).

    Hope things get better soon!

    • It’s just hard because I have homework and I almost have to stay here. I find myself going places and not getting work finished. I guess sitting here crying and just thinking about everything isn’t much better, though. Thank you for the support. I just wish I could get a handle on things because I really don’t have the time to go to a nutritionist while I’m at school… Considering I’m starting to see a therapist, doctor, and physical therapist now. Ugh.

  2. Everyone has their down days girl, don’t sweat it. These hardships are making you stronger, I’ve learned through recovery that you sometime take steps backward, but then you skyrocket with progress.
    Just know I’m cheering for ya, you WILL beat this stupid disorder!! 🙂

  3. Aww hun.
    I’m so sorry that this isn’t going well for you.
    Maybe if you went on a walk for a little bit every time you felt more sad? Walking around is a great way to release endorphins and lift your mood a little bit. 🙂

  4. Hey girl,

    I’ve been reading your blog for the past month or so. I see a lot of my younger self in you. You are strong and you CAN get through this. If you ever want, we can email or something or facebook. You say you feel alone but, at the minimum you ALWAYS have people on here to turn to!

  5. it happens to me too. i understand how you feel when you say you ate as much in one sitting as you feel you should in three seperate meals. it feels particularly bad when it happens to me at breakfast because i still have the entire day to get through when all i want to do is start over.
    you are not alone my dear. i wish there was something i could say to make it better, but just know i am here if you need me.

  6. I can totally relate to this!! After I binge sometimes I just wonder “why cant I eat like everyone else??” Even my parents dont understand where I put all the food that enters my mouth!! It seems like I wouldnt have a worry in the world if I didnt think about food and weight so much! I definately feel for you and Im sorry youre going through this as well. Remember its important to eat consistently and keep yourself busy and the binges will go away!! Stay strong!!

  7. wow, its crazy how I literally just had the same thoughts run through my head last night. I, too, am just starting the recovery process and working with the whole support team. Hold on, and treat each day as a new start and remember that this PROCESS takes a while, you will not learn to control restricting or binging overnight, but over time you will learn the food that makes your body feel good, and to take a break from buying particular things that trigger binges. It will get better, and just remember how strong you are to even attempt this recovery process in the first place =)

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