Autumn air smells so sweet.

As I was student teaching today, I found myself in a different state of mind.  This week has opened my eyes so much to the teaching experience without too much experience.  My other student teachers taught some of their lessons, but I mostly sat in the back of my co-operating teachers room and observed her teaching strategies and classroom.  Even though I was not teaching and was seated almost the entire time, this week was EXHAUSTING. I feel so exhausted and I really have not done anything physical or MORE physical than before. In fact, my workouts in the morning have been cut down because I have to leave my gym by 7:30-7:45.  Then, it hit me. I’m most likely MENTALLY exhausted.  With everything I have gone through plus spending every day in the classroom, my body has had enough of all of the stress.  I feel sick about 90% of the day and I believe I’m just worrying/dealing with SO much…

With this being said, I’ve increased my calories by a lot. I now find myself smothering everything with peanut butter and although this isn’t the best way to gain weight… I know it’s just something I have to do. I was reading someone’s blog the other day. A new one I found from another site. I wish I could remember whose blog it was but they said, “The key to my recovery was WANTING to recover. The journey is uncomfortable but the only suggestion I have for recovering is you have to realize you have to recover and you WANT to recover”. Although people have said this to me many times… Reading this individuals blunt-ness and honesty made me think about recovery.  Do I really want to gain weight? Yes. Do I want to recover?… …. That’s the big question. “Recovery” to me is stuffing myself with food to the point of discomfort. A CONSTANT, never-ending weight gain.  In my mind, recovery is not being healthy and the outcomes… It’s the process. The process of healing. And do I want to recover? With this definition, no. I want the outcomes. I want to look healthy. I don’t want people staring at me all the time and whispering as soon as I walk by. I don’t want my co-op teacher staring at my thinness. I don’t want to feel the eerie-ness as soon as I walk into a room. I want to have full hair, un-sunken eyes, no black circles, nice and toned curves, an athletic body, and, as Angela describes it best… A glow. A healthy glow.

I want to reach this so bad. I want to go home and be able to watch the Eagles game with my dad. I wish I could afford the time and effort to see a nutritionist/dietician but if I’m exhausted now… I couldn’t imagine incorporating it, as well. It’s one step at a time. And I need to find my love for life again. I think it’s going to start with experimenting… Cooking… Baking. I look at thousands of recipes every day but constantly think about how to make them healthier or say I’m going to make them. Do I? Rarely. VERY rarely. Or, if I do bake, I hand it off to other people without indulging on it myself. Portion control? Not this girl. But I realized the other day it’s probably because my body is just SO hungry, it wants to continue to eat what I bake. It doesn’t matter it’s fattening. That’s not the point. I could do the same thing with a bin of vegetables. But binge-ing is my body just trying to make up for all of the shit I’ve put it through…

Baby steps. It’s all about baby steps. And sometimes, in the darkest times, you realize the scary truths. The reasons you aren’t recovering is because you really don’t want to. You want results but are too lazy to do the process. Too annoyed with the discomfort. But I need to learn to GET THROUGH IT.

Man up.

I was strong growing up and I want to become strong again. Strong is healthy. Strong is power. Strong is beautiful.

As I said, as I sit in the back of the classroom… I looked outside the window.  I saw a tree with its leaves just changing. The tips are burning red and orange.  Although it will be beautiful, soon the tree is going resemble fire and crisp with the Autumn air.  This will leave the tree naked, empty, lifeless.  I will not let myself burn and crumble with the changing seasons. I will not let myself fall apart with the natural changes of life. I need to be strong or my beauty, too, will fade away.

 

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. It’s about creating yourself.”

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12 thoughts on “Autumn air smells so sweet.

  1. I love this post girl :). I love that you want recovery! That’s the most important thing. I know I go through days where I want it and days that I don’t. Honestly, the days I eat more the more I feel confident and want to beat this. The days I eat less, I tend to regress. The pictures were inspiring and hilarious. 🙂 It’s a tough road but one worth taking!

    • I’m learning this now. The rough days are tough but they are the days I’m actually eating what I’m supposed to be eating. In my mind it’s too much, but in reality it might be about 200 calories out of the thousands I owe my body. I just hope I can feed my body so I stay athletic because I love working out and being active. I’m afraid I gain so much it’s hard for me to enjoy a workout.

  2. oh my gosh, this post hit so close to home for me. i am in the process of “recovery” and i know exactly what you are saying. i want all the outcomes, but the process that im in right now sucks. sucks so bad that i often question if it’s worth it? like all this pain, discomfort, forcefulness to eat. but your post really has opened my eyes. thank you. i am glad that i found this!!! amy

    • I’m glad my post inspired you! Feel free to e-mail me whenever you would like! And don’t feel as though it’s discomfort. I know it’s emotional, but as soon as you want to cry just think of how many calories you OWE your body. It’s nothing compared to what you ate.

  3. this post is beautiful. it turns something so ugly like an eating disorder into beauty because its powerful, honest, and STRONG. YOU are strong hun and it is true, YOU have to want it. think about all the things you want in life and evaluate how to get there…i promise you wont be able to achieve those things with an eating disorder. think of that. and think that you arent binging. you are giving your body what it needs. believe that you deserve recovery, because you do.

    • Thank you so much! And I know I won’t be able to get half as far in life or have ANY fun if I don’t overcome this. It is going to be so hard but I need to just get over it and do it! Who WANTS to live like this forever?

  4. No matter how hard, and it WILL be hard…. it is for the overall good. You will finally really live, not just survive day to day. With each hard or difficult day during recovery you are gaining you life back, your true self. Think about how amazing it wil feel when you are finally able to have tons and tons of energy, happy most of the time, not lonely anymore, be less stressed, tired, moody, and feel free and life will be much better and easier but it takes time and hard work. You are obviously so strong and so smart, you want this… do it! Those binges may feel uncomfortable now but they are needed, your body has taken such a beating and is crying out for help. You can do this, just think of how much you will gain and how much more happy you will be without that stupid eating disorder! There is so much more to life than that, the world is seriously beautiful and you have but one chance to experience it all… it is up to you, your choice to make it happen or not.

  5. BEAUTIFUL POST!!! Girl, YOU CAN DO THIS. It is just like any type of addiction or if anyone wants to make a change in their life they have to WANT IT…you can’t force it, you have to want it for yourself and it seems like you really do. YAY for peanut butter. Keep us updated, we all care about you so much!

    • Thanks, Janae! 🙂 I am definitely trying and it is only something you can get over if you really want to do it! And I thought of you today because I always have peanut butter packets with me and whip them out randomly. I get the oddest stares. Some people just don’t understand good food I guess. haha! I’m gonna start carrying around a jar, we can start a revolution 😉

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