As I was student teaching today, I found myself in a different state of mind. This week has opened my eyes so much to the teaching experience without too much experience. My other student teachers taught some of their lessons, but I mostly sat in the back of my co-operating teachers room and observed her teaching strategies and classroom. Even though I was not teaching and was seated almost the entire time, this week was EXHAUSTING. I feel so exhausted and I really have not done anything physical or MORE physical than before. In fact, my workouts in the morning have been cut down because I have to leave my gym by 7:30-7:45. Then, it hit me. I’m most likely MENTALLY exhausted. With everything I have gone through plus spending every day in the classroom, my body has had enough of all of the stress. I feel sick about 90% of the day and I believe I’m just worrying/dealing with SO much…
With this being said, I’ve increased my calories by a lot. I now find myself smothering everything with peanut butter and although this isn’t the best way to gain weight… I know it’s just something I have to do. I was reading someone’s blog the other day. A new one I found from another site. I wish I could remember whose blog it was but they said, “The key to my recovery was WANTING to recover. The journey is uncomfortable but the only suggestion I have for recovering is you have to realize you have to recover and you WANT to recover”. Although people have said this to me many times… Reading this individuals blunt-ness and honesty made me think about recovery. Do I really want to gain weight? Yes. Do I want to recover?… …. That’s the big question. “Recovery” to me is stuffing myself with food to the point of discomfort. A CONSTANT, never-ending weight gain. In my mind, recovery is not being healthy and the outcomes… It’s the process. The process of healing. And do I want to recover? With this definition, no. I want the outcomes. I want to look healthy. I don’t want people staring at me all the time and whispering as soon as I walk by. I don’t want my co-op teacher staring at my thinness. I don’t want to feel the eerie-ness as soon as I walk into a room. I want to have full hair, un-sunken eyes, no black circles, nice and toned curves, an athletic body, and, as Angela describes it best… A glow. A healthy glow.
I want to reach this so bad. I want to go home and be able to watch the Eagles game with my dad. I wish I could afford the time and effort to see a nutritionist/dietician but if I’m exhausted now… I couldn’t imagine incorporating it, as well. It’s one step at a time. And I need to find my love for life again. I think it’s going to start with experimenting… Cooking… Baking. I look at thousands of recipes every day but constantly think about how to make them healthier or say I’m going to make them. Do I? Rarely. VERY rarely. Or, if I do bake, I hand it off to other people without indulging on it myself. Portion control? Not this girl. But I realized the other day it’s probably because my body is just SO hungry, it wants to continue to eat what I bake. It doesn’t matter it’s fattening. That’s not the point. I could do the same thing with a bin of vegetables. But binge-ing is my body just trying to make up for all of the shit I’ve put it through…
Baby steps. It’s all about baby steps. And sometimes, in the darkest times, you realize the scary truths. The reasons you aren’t recovering is because you really don’t want to. You want results but are too lazy to do the process. Too annoyed with the discomfort. But I need to learn to GET THROUGH IT.
I was strong growing up and I want to become strong again. Strong is healthy. Strong is power. Strong is beautiful.
As I said, as I sit in the back of the classroom… I looked outside the window. I saw a tree with its leaves just changing. The tips are burning red and orange. Although it will be beautiful, soon the tree is going resemble fire and crisp with the Autumn air. This will leave the tree naked, empty, lifeless. I will not let myself burn and crumble with the changing seasons. I will not let myself fall apart with the natural changes of life. I need to be strong or my beauty, too, will fade away.