It’s dark at 4:30…?!

Does anyone else hate this?!

I like it in the morning hours when it’s getting bright earlier but not the dark part.
It makes me sleepy.
Sleepy = bad when you have lesson plans due.

Sorry for the constant state of being “MIA” or leaving you small posts about bursts of emotions. It seems to be a rollercoaster ride throughout this process, BUT any process is a step in a positive direction. The only negative would be giving up which IS NOT an option.

I had my second therapy session and my therapist told me to get a journal. I found this extremely amusing because at Barnes and Noble the day before I saw journals on-sale and thought about buying one.
“But you always write like you’re trying to write a book and it ends up being a fake journal.”
So I didn’t buy one.
After I laughed at the irony with my therapist, I told her I would be embarrassed to read it anything to her because of my horrible grammar.
She started laughing so hard because again, it just proves I try to be a well-known author before just writing down my thoughts.

Perfectionism at its finest, eh? Haha!

So, I bought a journal. We shall see how this one ends up.
Maybe you’ll see it on book shelves one day 😉


I discussed with my therapist the fact I think my knee has a huge impact on my recovery. Honestly, it makes me sick by how much discomfort it causes me. I wake up every day with the feeling of just… Cotton being in my knee. Cotton? Yes, cotton. It feels like it’s stuffed and just… Awkward. I can’t stand walking around knowing I’m only 21 years old with a bum knee. I can’t even go out to bars because I’m most likely on some kind of Ibuprofen or if I were out and my knee flares up, what am I supposed to do? I can’t go to theme parks, malls only for like an hour, can’t go for walks, walk around campus… It’s just a mess. And it really makes me upset to the point I get panic attack/heat flashes when it’s in discomfort.  I literally feel like I get sick. It’s pretty bad. She suggested I try acupuncture because I’ve tried almost everything else, but I can’t imagine it is going to help at all. Who knows. Ugh. It doesn’t hurt when I do exercise, but there will be times while I’m walking around it just feels like it’s clogged with peanut butter or something.

I really think it’s never going to get better.

Butttt… The other morning I went to a diner. I got pancakes. A pumpkin pancake and a peanut butter cup pancake. I know this is the most amazing thing you’ve ever read, right? Haha.

Were they good?
Do I know how many calories were in them?
Is that a good thing?
Did I recreate the peanut butter cup pancakes the next day for lunch?
Ohhhh baby, you better believe it.

Yesterday was the first day I haven’t had oatmeal at least once since I came to school, I think.
I got the shakes. I think I need to go on the, “I’m addicted to food” show.
But seriously. Lol
I think I might be addicted to the melty peanut butter effect.

Tomorrow I have a PCTM conference in Penn State.
With all this controversy going on up there (Poor Joe)…

This should be interesting.

Instead of going to the creamery with my Methods class, I’m getting Kiwi Frozen Yogurt.

Is it ED or the convenience of knowing frozen yogurt > creamery?



I hope you all are having a good week! Today is Wednesday so I know the blogging world is happy because of all of the WIAW posts. 🙂



16 thoughts on “It’s dark at 4:30…?!

  1. I totally agree about the time change–it rocks in the morning but sucks at night haha
    Sorry to hear about your knee, but yay for another successful therapy session! Keep up the great work friend! 🙂

    • I know! I have a night class and as if I didn’t already fall asleep as it is… Now it’s dark BEFORE I even get to class. And it’s 3 hours. AND i have one before that. So, yes, it’s definitely a stinker. lol

  2. Yayyyy for mowin down on some amazing pancakes..I wanted some just reading about them! I am glad your therapy is still going well, your therapist sounds like a good one! I always choose froyo over ice’s just necessary.

    • It really is necessary! I feel like froyo tastes better but maybe that’s just in my head 😛 I do miss devouring an entire reeses pieces sundae from Friendlys hahaha. But, I think that was more because of the peanut butter sauce. mmm

  3. Oh my gosh, I totally connected with the stress about your knee. I have an inflammatory nerve disorder that causes me a lot of pain and limits so many activities for me. I can’t walk more than a couple of blocks. It causes so many eating issues for me. I know how you feel.

  4. Hi, I just wanted to say that I incredibly relate to your posts.

    I read your comment on CJ’s blog, and it resonated with me. I’m low weight, needing to gain; completely unable to exercise; and for the last few months I’ve been binging (still only gaining slowly…but the binges make me feel extremely guilt-ridden…i have those “what are you doing eating a pack of rice cakes and multiple bars of chocolates after all day, late late at night, continuous” …its hard cause I don’t exercise and then it get in that stupid cycle again in my head, you know.

    Its exhausting. So crazy hey?

    And do you find then you question everything you eat? Its all “wrong” or nothing fits just “perfect”. So exhausting to think these irrational useless thoughts really. I went through a long orthorexic phase and I’m amazed I broke from them…I was so rigid and afriad of “junk”. Now, I’m the other way and it doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, I still need to gain and all I’m doing is wasting time and hurting my stomach.

    • I find that right after I eat, I will feel compelled to keep eating even when I’m absolutely stuffed. I get like a nervous sensation but I’ll eat so much before that. I hate it. And yeah, I definitely have orthorexia. I developed it a little throughout the years but when i had to get surgery, I completely became orthorexic and i find myself forgetting exactly what I let myself eat before. I feel like I haven’t eaten oil or anything in so long that now when I see oil added to anything I’m like, “ew”.

  5. Recipe for these deliciouspancakes please!!! And I love kiwi frozen yogurt!!! I’d totally go there with you!

  6. I found your blog through another one…

    Those pancakes you made sound so fab! And I love that you enjoyed them, and baked them – like a gift to yourself.

    If you ever feel alone, check out … especially the poetry (the In Their Own Words section, in the left side bar)… because sometimes it’s just so hard. And you’re never, really, alone. Many have walked this road before, and many more are here with you.

    Oh, and could you pretty please post the pancakes recipe? 🙂

    • I will definitely post the pancake recipe soon! I used one of bob mill’s pancake mixes so it wasn’t entirely homemade 😛

      And I have been to something-fishy before but i find it hard to navigate!

  7. I have been eating pancakes for dinner almost every night this week, I can’t make them in the morning because I am too much in a hurry and the blender wakes Craig up, so night it is!

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