Second day after my surgery… And all I have to say is OUCH. I’m in a lot of pain right now, I’m not going to lie or try to make myself sound tough. It hurts. A LOT. I woke up this morning and immediately attempted to do some pilates/resistance band stuff.
Did you really expect anything different?
I find myself in a really bad place when I’m scared of things. I completely shut down and just… Lose it. It’s weird how one day you can go from thinking I am strong, I will beat this, I am going to keep eating through this… But when it comes down to it, you wake up the next day and it’s like that girl was never real.
Where did she go?
I wish I could answer that because she comes and goes like the wind. I’m sitting here not wanting to eat anything and beating myself up from eating a frozen yogurt mixed with SF chocolate fudge pudding mix. I also had some grapes and a pumpkin coffee from DD. I just really wish I didn’t want to eat. I can’t do my schoolwork and I can’t get anything accomplished. It seems like I have all the time in the world to sit here and “recover” but I can’t get ANY of my work done. All I find myself doing is going to blogs, random sites, and anything… Even when I think back sometimes and ask myself, “What was I looking at today?” I don’t even remember. It’s like I sit here and mindlessly scroll through things. I just don’t understand it.
I feel so bad for my roommate sometimes for having to deal with me. Although she never comes out of her room unless her boyfriend is here, I know she doesn’t do it on purpose. I just don’t understand why she decided to put a Christmas tree up in her bedroom. Why not put it downstairs? It just seems like she wants nothing to do with me sometimes… But I guess I don’t blame her :-(.
Who wants a friend with an eating disorder anyway?
This really stinks. I was in such a good mood yesterday. Shows what medication can do for your mood…