Where did she go?

Second day after my surgery… And all I have to say is OUCH. I’m in a lot of pain right now, I’m not going to lie or try to make myself sound tough. It hurts. A LOT. I woke up this morning and immediately attempted to do some pilates/resistance band stuff.

Did you really expect anything different?

I find myself in a really bad place when I’m scared of things. I completely shut down and just… Lose it. It’s weird how one day you can go from thinking I am strong, I will beat this, I am going to keep eating through this… But when it comes down to it, you wake up the next day and it’s like that girl was never real.

Where did she go?

I wish I could answer that because she comes and goes like the wind. I’m sitting here not wanting to eat anything and beating myself up from eating a frozen yogurt mixed with SF chocolate fudge pudding mix. I also had some grapes and a pumpkin coffee from DD. I just really wish I didn’t want to eat. I can’t do my schoolwork and I can’t get anything accomplished. It seems like I have all the time in the world to sit here and “recover” but I can’t get ANY of my work done. All I find myself doing is going to blogs, random sites, and anything… Even when I think back sometimes and ask myself, “What was I looking at today?” I don’t even remember. It’s like I sit here and mindlessly scroll through things. I just don’t understand it.

I feel so bad for my roommate sometimes for having to deal with me. Although she never comes out of her room unless her boyfriend is here, I know she doesn’t do it on purpose. I just don’t understand why she decided to put a Christmas tree up in her bedroom. Why not put it downstairs? It just seems like she wants nothing to do with me sometimes… But I guess I don’t blame her :-(.

Who wants a friend with an eating disorder anyway?

This really stinks. I was in such a good mood yesterday. Shows what medication can do for your mood…


6 thoughts on “Where did she go?

  1. Dude I get the same way whenever I’m stuck at home all day– I usually bake like crazy or just stay on the computer hopping from Facebook to random Google searches to blogs. It can be so dull! Maybe you could find a good book to pass time or invite your roommate to have a movie marathon with you? 🙂
    Sending get well wishes! Have a great weekend friend!

  2. dont define yourself as a “friend with an eating disorder” you are a wonderful woman, who is going to be a fabulous math teacher, is fun, loving, and a great friend.
    i know its hard right now but i am sending many positive thoughts your way! i am here if you need support hun!

    • Thanks, CJ. I know you’re here for support but I feel like such a downer. I know it’s bad for those struggling or recovering from ED to have downer friends. I actually had a friend my freshman/sophomore year who used to do things with me so we could “help each other” stay skinny. It was bad. It was just fuel to my fire. Oy.

  3. I agree with CJ- don’t define yourself as a “friend with an eating disorder”. You’re a friend with lots of wonderful qualities who happens to be struggling with something very intense. And regardless of what others say, or whether it has a medical term- everyone is struggling with something.

    Honestly, I don’t see where it’s such a bad thing that you’re reading blogs and surfing the ‘net and relaxing. You’re out of commission, that’s sorta what you have to do to pass the time. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

    And those nut butters you bought look delish!

    • I know everyone struggles with something, it just really bothers me how mine seems to consume my life. If I’m not thinking about getting better, I’m worrying about getting worse or counting calories or planning meals or looking up meals… It just ALWAYS seems to be something related to it and it drives me insane sometimes.

      And I know! Especially the pretzel one. It intrigued me to buy them!

  4. I relate to this bigtime. I have all the time in the world to sit and eat and do “work” but I can’t do anything. I’m useless…TV and reading…I hate this and I really don’t like myself.

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