A magic lamp, perhaps?

I seem to get frustrated with myself a lot. Maybe I’m too hard on myself or I’m just not really trying as much as I think I am. I really want to get over this disordered eating habit. I don’t really know what you would “label” my ED as but it is probably in the orthorexia mindset.

Today, my leg feels a little bit better but I can’t help but get upset when I try to walk and it feels like a brick is on my knee. I mean, my knee is freaking huge. Did you see the pic in my last post?! That’s what is staring me in the face. Haha. It’s not pleasant. I keep touching my knee thinking it’s a magic lamp and maybe if I rub it, it will just *POOF* go back to the way it was about 6 months ago.

I know for a fact I want to get over this. ALL of it. I’m so tired of planning out meals, counting calories, reading food labels in grocery stores, requesting no butter or “light on the cheese”, asking for “sugar-free” syrup (this one doesn’t bother me so much), not being able to eat the baked goods I make without feeling guilty, binging on fattening foods because I can’t be normal and eat one or two handfuls, putting restrictions on any food I eat (even grapes), thinking about food constantly, beating myself up for eating something which might be considered unhealthy… Oy vey. I could go on forever.

I just hate how I am soĀ  pumped sometimes to do things right. I will read blogs and I get this… Idk, almost feeling of excitement to get up and start eating and eating!

Yet… I can’t get up. My body won’t get up. WHERE IS THE EXCITEMENT?! It was here a minute ago, I swear. I swear this girl was excited to make her parents happy to see she’s healthy again, so they don’t feel they failed as parents. I swear this girl was just planning on making a dish she saw on a blog. I swear she was just here.

I don’t understand myself sometimes. It is a constant battle with myself and every day it seems I just can’t win. My ED always wins. It’s that little voice in the back of my head saying, “You just got surgery, you can’t even work out for who knows how long. All of the weight you gain will be cellulite and fat, not muscle. Wait until you can do cardio or swim because you will just be disgusting if you start eating now.”

Honestly, it even sounds ridiculous typing this… Why do I think this way? I know it’s who I am and I should accept it, then move on. Don’t let it phase me and don’t keep thinking about it because it really does just make it 10 times worse…
But I just can’t seem to make my ED voice STFU.

Put a damn sock in it!”

That’s what I need to say from now on…


5 thoughts on “A magic lamp, perhaps?

  1. The inner battle is the hardest part. It may feel like recovery is taking forever but with perseverance you will get there. Make the decision to keep moving forward…even if it’s baby steps! Everyday you can start over and wipe the previous day’s slate clean.

    I still have those feelings that associate no exercise with the constant fear of gaining weight. But I’ve just had over 2months of close to no running or proper workouts and I haven’t gained weight. In fact I ate more and took care of myself. So this was a giant wake up call for me!

    Hang in there šŸ™‚

    • I keep telling myself that, too! I know one week or little to no exercise will not make me blow up like a balloon but my body still will not move towards the kitchen. It’s all about baby steps for me and I have gotten far from where I was, but it just stinks this surgery might set me back. I don’t want it too, but it’s just the WORST when you feel all of the weight you’re gaining is fat and not muscle.

      Thanks for the encouragement! šŸ™‚

  2. hunni dont feel bad. this happens. there are days when i say, “i can totally try this challenge food. I am so excited to have it, etc.” and then i actually get faced with it and i literally cannot make myself eat it. i cant explain it to others, its just the way i am. dont be too harsh with yourself, just heal physically my darling. rest the knee and work through the thoughts. much love ā¤

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