Happy Thirsty Thursday, everyone!
I know I’m enjoying my Dunkin’ Donuts in honor of the day!
That is probably going to be the only chipper note of this entry.
I have a lot of things on my mind throughout the day. Mostly, the thought of food, calories, and meal-planning consists of about 90% of my time. I don’t understand why my mind is constantly focused on food. It actually makes me not want to eat because the thought of it all the time makes me sick.
Immediately after I begin counting calories or thinking about what I will eat that today or the next day, I get sick to my stomach. I wish things were easier with recovery. I know it sounds ridiculous, of course it isn’t going to be easy, but the circumstances I find myself in… Are just too much sometimes. I really want to fight this probably more than anything in my life; yet, when it comes down to it… It’s 4:00 and I have eaten about 600 calories. I was reading Tessa’s blog and what she said I can completely relate to, but I just can’t seem to get past it the way others do. I know 600 calories isn’t where I should be right now… I know after I get back from class tonight I’m going to have a huge bowl of oatmeal at 600 calories. This brings me to 1200 calories. But that’s going to be at 8:00 at night.
I know this is going to send me into panic mode. “You don’t want to get better. Think of what you’re doing to your parents. Your dad doesn’t even want to be seen with you in public anymore because of how everyone stares at you. Your hair is falling out and you cry everytime you think about what you’ve done to your body.” Etc, etc.
So I will eat but stop. Last year, I used to binge all the time at night… But I knew I would run in the morning and although I would be uncomfortable, I didn’t mind eating ice cream and such late at night because I knew I worked out enough to eat it. Sure I couldn’t sleep and I was miserable, but at least I was eating.
Now? I just look at my knee. Never knowing if I’m ever going to heal. I’ve been trying to heal for about 6 months now. And of course, I googled my swollen legs/extreme bruising only to find horror stories about the operation I had on my knee for plica. (Don’t ever google things when you are injured = bad idea and mostly negative responses)… HOWEVER, I did read that things in your knee may never be healing because it’s tracking wrong. This really bothers me because there are a lot of times I thought my knee might have been tracking wrong prior to this second surgery. So now what? I’m never going to heal.
Immediately, sadness fills my entire body. It feels like my heart is empty. It hurts. And then, I don’t eat. Instead of binging, I just don’t eat. I can’t. I just can’t deal with the thought of knowing I’m 21 years old and have a bad knee which might cause me to live with pain the rest of my life.
So… do I want to recover? YES, but unfortunately… Only if my knee recovers as well. And not knowing = not eating. I just can’t seem to shake it no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I go to bed thinking, “Tomorrow, I’m just going to eat whatever I want, when I want.”
Why can’t life be easy?