Don’t ever google injuries.

Happy Thirsty Thursday, everyone!
I know I’m enjoying my Dunkin’ Donuts in honor of the day!
That is probably going to be the only chipper note of this entry.

I have a lot of things on my mind throughout the day. Mostly, the thought of food, calories, and meal-planning consists of about 90% of my time. I don’t understand why my mind is constantly focused on food. It actually makes me not want to eat because the thought of it all the time makes me sick.

Immediately after I begin counting calories or thinking about what I will eat that today or the next day, I get sick to my stomach. I wish things were easier with recovery. I know it sounds ridiculous, of course it isn’t going to be easy, but the circumstances I find myself in… Are just too much sometimes. I really want to fight this probably more than anything in my life; yet, when it comes down to it… It’s 4:00 and I have eaten about 600 calories. I was reading Tessa’s blog and what she said I can completely relate to, but I just can’t seem to get past it the way others do. I know 600 calories isn’t where I should be right now… I know after I get back from class tonight I’m going to have a huge bowl of oatmeal at 600 calories. This brings me to 1200 calories. But that’s going to be at 8:00 at night.

I know this is going to send me into panic mode. “You don’t want to get better. Think of what you’re doing to your parents. Your dad doesn’t even want to be seen with you in public anymore because of how everyone stares at you. Your hair is falling out and you cry everytime you think about what you’ve done to your body.” Etc, etc.

So I will eat but stop. Last year, I used to binge all the time at night… But I knew I would run in the morning and although I would be uncomfortable, I didn’t mind eating ice cream and such late at night because I knew I worked out enough to eat it. Sure I couldn’t sleep and I was miserable, but at least I was eating.

Now? I just look at my knee. Never knowing if I’m ever going to heal. I’ve been trying to heal for about 6 months now. And of course, I googled my swollen legs/extreme bruising only to find horror stories about the operation I had on my knee for plica. (Don’t ever google things when you are injured = bad idea and mostly negative responses)… HOWEVER, I did read that things in your knee may never be healing because it’s tracking wrong. This really bothers me because there are a lot of times I thought my knee might have been tracking wrong prior to this second surgery. So now what? I’m never going to heal.

Immediately, sadness fills my entire body. It feels like my heart is empty. It hurts. And then, I don’t eat. Instead of binging, I just don’t eat. I can’t. I just can’t deal with the thought of knowing I’m 21 years old and have a bad knee which might cause me to live with pain the rest of my life.

So… do I want to recover? YES, but unfortunately… Only if my knee recovers as well. And not knowing = not eating. I just can’t seem to shake it no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I go to bed thinking, “Tomorrow, I’m just going to eat whatever I want, when I want.”

Why can’t life be easy?

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20 thoughts on “Don’t ever google injuries.

  1. Aww girl, don’t beat yourself up! Everybody has ups and downs, this just so happens to be a kinda rough patch in your life. You WILL beat this, and who knows, maybe your knee will be stronger and better than ever before once it heals! I believe in you my friend. πŸ™‚
    {{{lotsa hugs}}}

    • Thank you for the hugs! I wish I could just wake up one morning and be like “SCREW THIS”. But everytime I get that feeling, I literally take a step and realize my life sucks because I have a 60-year olds knee 😦

  2. I found this quote today on the CrossFit blog I read and wanted to post it here for ya…

    β€œWhen I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.” (Winston Churchill)

    It’s never easy to be injured but I think it’s even worse when you have an ED and can’t do anything just because those thoughts are pretty much uncontrolable. If it could be controlled, it wouldn’t be an ED. Don’t beat yourself up over it, I know it sucks but maybe in the end this could actually help you recover? And when you can work out again, you will definitely be thankful for it and probably have a new outlook on it too.

    • I knowww. I encounter these thoughts ALL the time, but the ED thoughts ALWAYS win. And if they don’t win, I end up regretting fighting them because I’m just so depressed about my knee. It’s awful to think I’m 21 years old and think i don’t want to wake up anymore. 😦 It’s just SO hard to control the negative thoughts and counter them with positive ones.

  3. Hey deary, most people only report things when they have had bad experiences. It is easier to focus on the bad things than the good…no one ever seems to fill out costumer service papers unless their service was poor! It is natural to feel worried, upset, angry, etc. All of these feelings are definitely going to happen with something such as your surgery. I really feel as this whole thing can make you stronger in the end. And I hope you know how much support you have, and if you ever need a friend, just let me know! You can email me or something if you ever want to hang out! πŸ™‚

  4. I’m the opposite. I DO binge — bigtime. And the cycle continues. But I really really cannnot exercise (a former competitive athlete here) and seriously I sit on my butt all day. It doesn’t stop the binging. I am tired of living in this gaunt and incapable life. I just freaking need to gain and actually get back to life …i hear its good.

    • Binge-ing is really hard to overcome but try to start eating less sugar. I’m not saying to “go ahead and binge” but try binge-ing on this that are naturally sweet or cottage cheese with cocoa powder mixed it. Something decadent but NOT with added sugar. You may, literally, be addicted to sugar. I know when I used to eat ice cream (like a gallon in two days) it was because I was addicted to sugar. Once I kicked that, it made binge-ing easier to overcome. It’s just something to try.

  5. Your body and your knee won’t heal if you don’t eat enough. Repairing & healing requires nutrients- a lot, this can only come from food.

  6. HUGS!! ❀ ❀ you will get through this – I know its kind of daunting to just live in fear and not knowing what your body is doing, but you KNOW that if you want your knee – and the rest of you – to heal, you need to eat. It seems counterintuitive, but when you're injured, you need more food so that your body has enough energy to make those tissue repairs as well as get you through the day, you know? I think right now you're really recovering from two things: 1. knee surgery and 2. an eating disorder….and its kind of odd to think of your knee situation as a blessing, but this period in which you can't work out might actually be the perfect opportunity for you to recover from the eating disorder. I know how tough it is to eat – and it's NOT going to be easy and it's NOT going to feel good or natural….but, here's a thought:

    "decide you want it more than you are afraid of it". and

    "sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same".

    Though my situation's definitely not as severe I'm kinda going through something similar – I haven't worked out in a week because of this freak pain I'm having, and I'm using the opportunity to try and meet my energy balance to do things like get my period back and get my body fully nourished so it can perform well. Some days I feel like a fat lard, but I just keep telling myself that…I don't just want to be able to run, I want to be able to run strong, fast, and injury free and I want to train HARD. And I need a solid body if I want to do that. And I want that more than I want to be thin (and when I'm training hard and fueling well, my body will settle out at the weight/leanness that's healthy for me). SOmetimes it feels fake telling myself that…but fake it till you make it.

    ANd next time your over here hit me up and we'll get froyo!! blogger hangout FTW!

    • I know my body needs so many nutrients and I will think to myself, “Just go downstairs and eat whatever. You got cookies from the cookie blogger swap sitting in your cabinet. Just go EAT some.” But then, my mind automatically thinks, “Why eat when you can’t work out? You did pilates this morning, do you REALLY think that’s a sufficient workout? Do you really think you got STRONGER from that? Stupid girl. Your knee is never going to heal and you’re going to wake up the rest of your life in pain. If you don’t eat, you won’t have to live through the pain.”

      Such disordered thoughts. It’s sad to even read that after typing it. I love the song “sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same”. I forget which one it’s from… But I constantly look up quotes and “mantras” if you will, but I just automatically get feedback from the negative voice… Then, my stomach drops, I cry, and completely lose any appetite I may have had before it.

      And seriously, I would drive up JUST to get froyo (and go to Wegmans, of course). I love that area so much because there’s Dick’s Sporting Goods, Best Buy, Kiwi, Wegmans, a movie theatre which gives you booze, book store/cafe, ulta, etc ETC. I love how many things there are to do! I wish I lived closer so I didn’t waste my gas so much… But I continue to do so haha

      And I’m sorry to hear you’re going through it, as well. ANY injury is a rough time for anyone. The element of not knowing is awful.

      • I remember the anxiety before student teaching!!!! It is very stressful to think about it but you take things one day/one week at a time…you don’t have to walk in and take over the classroom immediately! I’m an elementary school teacher so it may be different but the first week was strictly observing…walking around, getting to know the kids, routines, etc. The second week, I took over simple things like lunch count, attendance, Morning Meeting, walking the class to specials/lunch/recess, etc. The next week I took over math, etc. until you’ve taken over everything. The last week the regular teacher started taking everything over again to transition the students. I had two student teaching placements (8 weeks in one grade/school and 8 weeks in another grade/school) and both were set up exactly the same. I loved student teaching…it goes by so quickly but is a great experience.
        Let me know if you want to talk more about it! I’ll be honest…at first I really struggled with my ED during student teaching but by the end, I think being in the classroom really helped me.

  7. You know what you need to do, you can keep on putting it off and making it worse or you can make a change now… right now! Will this change be easy, hell no, it is going to be crazy hard and rough but you will recover and life will be better than ever. Seriously. If you don’t eat, and keep on with your disordered patters think about what will happen, will things get better… NO! If you eat, begin and keep on recovering things will suck as first, sure, but in the end they will be so much better. It is so worth it, is not recovering really ever the answer, I don’t think so. You know what you need to do, please please please go get a cookie and start now (sounds dumb but true). Get your life back girl, I can tell my your writing you have such a spark in you, but the disorder is not letting it shine. fight hard.

    • I agree with this. You need to be taking in a lot…consistently. Reach out to a doctor, nurse, someone to connect u with people

      You CAN do it on yourself
      but apparently YOU can’t…bcuz you”re not

      so u have a choice….take it back yourself…or go to someone and tell them to help you

  8. I love the title of this post. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help but google injuries, aches and pains. I googled my foot surgery before I had it…I seriously wanted to cancel!

  9. well, listen.

    i used to be a competitve runner….i bounced around , did good, lost weight…jerked around and didn’t gain…kept making excuses and one day becomes the next and before u know it is 3years gone by and my body CANT run anymore

    i used to binge when running and it was “ok” becuz i’d just run the next day
    so when i can’t run or exercise anymore, i suddenly became orthorexic
    but i finally rebelled from the orthorexia
    and now i binge anyway

    i’m up to eating 2000 cals consistenlty a day now , stll ZERO exercise (for YEARS remember) and still binging (and i’m taking 600+++ cals before bed (not just yogurt and cacoa powder).
    I don’t care anymore…i don’t care that i can’t ‘burn it off”…who the heck cares…your heart, liver, kidneys, muscles, need it

    the kicker: i’m 30 years old
    if u don”t stop now this will be your future: and u don’t want to be the mess like i am

    SO, you are SUPER young…and barely eating a thing…u should be eating 3000 cals without even considering anything…u can literally be taking in those huge calories and doing ZERO activity (sleeping, breathing, washing your dishes, folding your laundry is activity)
    seriously: i think u need help…help from a support team
    or u will be like me going day after day doing nothing and getting nowhere

    u need to take in more cals during the day + at night ( i eat a huge bedtime snack)

    do it for yourself

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