The challenge of acceptance.

Happy Saturday, everyone!
I hope you are all enjoying your weekend.
I know here in good ‘ol PA the sun is shining and making it look like it’s 90 degrees outside.
Really, it’s probably 50 but I can pretend it’s not!

I went to the Doctor’s office yesterday to get my stitches out and ask my doctor why my ankles look like I have cankles and my whole entire calf is swollen. Turns out the bleeding and fluids during surgery ran down my leg while I was healing. He said this isn’t abnormal but it only happens to very few people. The first thought that ran through my mind was, “Of course it happened to me.” He proceeded to tell me I should probably take it easy for another… week. I know, to everyone… Two weeks of no exercise is nothing but my heart immediately sank. I’m not going to lie when I say I have pretty much cut back way too much on calories but to be honest, it’s really hard for me to wake up some mornings. I’m so tired of having to deal with all of this healing… both physically and mentally.

it’s exhausting.

Actually, I kind of scared myself last Tuesday when I ventured to class. I woke up early and did a small workout with a resistance band and 12-lb dumbbells I bought at Tar-jay (what else is new ;-)) And afterwards, IΒ  quick showered, took a Vicodin, and off to the library before class to get a nice cup of Starbucks Christmas Blend. Now, I’m not sure if it was the fact I took Vicodin on an empty stomach or the fact I washed it down with about 20 ounces of coffee, but between my two morning classes… My heart felt like it was going to explode. Immediately, I panicked. I quickly crammed a few cocoa almonds and a Cliff Bar down my throat but the pain would not ease up. So, I left class early.

I know all of the effects EDs have on your body and the fact I’ve been eating frozen grapes, cranberry sauce, jello, and chugging coffee/diet soda for the 3-4 days right after my surgery is harming my body. But I wish I cared. That’s right, I just don’t care. I can’t hide it or lie to myself… It’s terrible, but this brings me back to my doctor’s appointment. As soon as he said the word, “Time“, my mind shut down. He doesn’t understand my body doesn’t have time. And my heart sank because it knew I was going to hurt my body for another 7 days. Immediately, I started crying after I left. One of the nurses pulled me in her office to ask if I was okay but I couldn’t even explain why I was crying. “I just want to be able to exercise so I can recover from my eating disorder with ease.” Yeah, that sounds sane. Not. I can just imagine how terrible I look to everyone. Crying, thing hair, pale, and I haven’t worn make up since the day before my surgery. Talk about a hot mess.

I’m just to the point I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to look up natural remedies to get rid of the swelling faster… I know it sounds weird, but I know a lot of foreign cultures have weird remedies for things that sometimes work. Just herbs or something that they know about but it isn’t “believed” in our society. So I’m just trying to look up things because my body just can’t take this anymore. It’s so ridiculous. I was doing pretty good, too. And I don’t want to throw all of my work down the tubes. Oy vey.

I’m just trying to keep going. Even if my mind can barely concentrate on anything because I’m exhausted/hungry… I need to just try and stay focused. At this point it’s pretty much mind over matter.

I do not have control.
And I need to learn to accept it.
With those who have suffered with an ED, control is all we want.
Food, life, situations, circumstances, etc.
So this is a huge deal and I need to accept it.

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6 thoughts on “The challenge of acceptance.

  1. The further you go, the lower the weight/bmi you get to the more your cognitive thinking will be impaired- it makes you become even more rigid in your thinking and even harder to change:/ is there any way you can get more help- I’m sure you don’t want to live in this shell of a life that ED,s create. I believe you can pull yourdelf out of this.
    Please take care of yourself:)
    Xxx

  2. *hugs* I know it’s really hard. People don’t understand how hard it is until they’ve been through something like it- most people would love the excuse to just sit around, and yeah sometimes it’s nice to have a day or so to do that but when working out and exercise is a part of your life, it’s just like if someone else couldn’t drive for a few days- they’d go crazy.

    Just try to remember it’s only another week… one thing is that now you can see the end so that makes it a little better than just not knowing how long it would take to recover. And, you have your whole life to work out and exercise… I would sometimes feel bad about it, but then my friend who’s 60 started running and ran a 5K faster than a lot of people my age… made me realize how if I take care of my body now I’ll be able to run way into my older years, ya know?

  3. Its so hard for me to read this and not be able to do anything! I wish I could just come hang out with you and we could get good meals at Whole Foods or Panera, and then we could go shopping and distract ourselves with designer shoes.

    I know exactly what you’re going through. My sister was in inpatient therapy for anorexia about 4 years ago, and they had her eating 3k calories a day on bed-rest. No pilates, no resistance band workouts. And she didn’t recover, because she mentally needed to work out – or at least be able to go for a walk! – in order to be “Ok” with eating. BUT….you have an injury to heal! And if you wan that to come out ok, you neeed to eat good food! I know its hard, but the more you restrict the longer it takes. And the sooner you give your body what it needs, the sooner it will respond by healing and being the runner you want it to be πŸ™‚

  4. Sending hugs your way!!!

    I know exactly what you’re going through. I had an ankle injury a few weeks back (I’ve always had ankle problems and still do) that kept me from practice for two weeks. I was miserable. I wanted nothing more than to get back practicing… get back to what I LOVED to do. I hated that my injury was really out of my control and I needed to rest. But in the end… it worked out. I ate, got through the rest period and then came back stronger than ever.

    Its scary. I KNOW. But you can get through it. Eating food will help your body heal. You’re going to get through this and it’ll be okay.

  5. Trust me, I know what it feels like to be depressed about not exercising! I broke my foot and couldn’t walk or run for 2 months and then I had to wait longer for some muscle to come back so I wouldn’t tear my ligaments and tendons! I was depressed and stressed, which I know now affected the time it took me to heal.

    Your body won’t heal as fast if it is stressed. Stress can also slow down your metabolism even more. If you can’t exercise, try to find ways to slow down your breathing and try to breathe as deeply as you can for minutes at a time. If you can stretch without hurting your injury that may help signal to your body to lower its stress and heal faster! Also, try keeping your foot elevated as much as possible. It took a long time for the swelling to go down in my foot simply because of sheer gravity.

  6. I’m sorry your feeling this way. I know exactly what’s going on in your head. The constant need to exercise in order to feel ok with consuming foods…it’s always going to be there. Maybe try doing something like yoga & stretching to help. I know you probably already know this but restricting only slows your metabolism further. I keep reminding myself this and it encourages me to eat something every 2-3hrs.
    If you need anyone to chat to I’m here.

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