Happy Saturday, everyone!
I hope you are all enjoying your weekend.
I know here in good ‘ol PA the sun is shining and making it look like it’s 90 degrees outside.
Really, it’s probably 50 but I can pretend it’s not!
I went to the Doctor’s office yesterday to get my stitches out and ask my doctor why my ankles look like I have cankles and my whole entire calf is swollen. Turns out the bleeding and fluids during surgery ran down my leg while I was healing. He said this isn’t abnormal but it only happens to very few people. The first thought that ran through my mind was, “Of course it happened to me.” He proceeded to tell me I should probably take it easy for another… week. I know, to everyone… Two weeks of no exercise is nothing but my heart immediately sank. I’m not going to lie when I say I have pretty much cut back way too much on calories but to be honest, it’s really hard for me to wake up some mornings. I’m so tired of having to deal with all of this healing… both physically and mentally.
Actually, I kind of scared myself last Tuesday when I ventured to class. I woke up early and did a small workout with a resistance band and 12-lb dumbbells I bought at Tar-jay (what else is new ;-)) And afterwards, I quick showered, took a Vicodin, and off to the library before class to get a nice cup of Starbucks Christmas Blend. Now, I’m not sure if it was the fact I took Vicodin on an empty stomach or the fact I washed it down with about 20 ounces of coffee, but between my two morning classes… My heart felt like it was going to explode. Immediately, I panicked. I quickly crammed a few cocoa almonds and a Cliff Bar down my throat but the pain would not ease up. So, I left class early.
I know all of the effects EDs have on your body and the fact I’ve been eating frozen grapes, cranberry sauce, jello, and chugging coffee/diet soda for the 3-4 days right after my surgery is harming my body. But I wish I cared. That’s right, I just don’t care. I can’t hide it or lie to myself… It’s terrible, but this brings me back to my doctor’s appointment. As soon as he said the word, “Time“, my mind shut down. He doesn’t understand my body doesn’t have time. And my heart sank because it knew I was going to hurt my body for another 7 days. Immediately, I started crying after I left. One of the nurses pulled me in her office to ask if I was okay but I couldn’t even explain why I was crying. “I just want to be able to exercise so I can recover from my eating disorder with ease.” Yeah, that sounds sane. Not. I can just imagine how terrible I look to everyone. Crying, thing hair, pale, and I haven’t worn make up since the day before my surgery. Talk about a
I’m just to the point I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to look up natural remedies to get rid of the swelling faster… I know it sounds weird, but I know a lot of foreign cultures have weird remedies for things that sometimes work. Just herbs or something that they know about but it isn’t “believed” in our society. So I’m just trying to look up things because my body just can’t take this anymore. It’s so ridiculous. I was doing pretty good, too. And I don’t want to throw all of my work down the tubes. Oy vey.
I’m just trying to keep going. Even if my mind can barely concentrate on anything because I’m exhausted/hungry… I need to just try and stay focused. At this point it’s pretty much mind over matter.
I do not have control.
And I need to learn to accept it.
With those who have suffered with an ED, control is all we want.
Food, life, situations, circumstances, etc.
So this is a huge deal and I need to accept it.