My trip/week in the E.R.

Video explains my absence and eye-opening experience this past week.

 

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30 thoughts on “My trip/week in the E.R.

  1. I know you keep saying that you are going to recover and want to recover, but do you think you are too far into your ED to do it yourself? Have you thought about finding a treatment center to help you in your recovery? There is no reason to go through it alone. Sometimes you have to lean on others for support.

  2. Heyy I’ve never commented your blog but randomly stumbled upon it while reading other blogs and Im so sorry your going through what you are. I have a few people who have struggled with eating disorders in my family and to be honest I am not in support of treatment centers at all…they scare me and having someone tell you how to live you life even if it is for your betterment doesn’t sound right to me. They only way anyone can recover from something or achieve something is if they decide to do it deep with in themselves. No one can force you to recover you have to do it on your own. And thats the power you have, you are a strong person to put yourself through gruelling activity…you just need to put that effort in recovering. Believing and thinking positive sounds so silly but sometimes when all else fails….thats the only thing we have left and it works :)…I hope you can find some happiness during the holidays I will remember you in my prayers. I wish you all the best and I do apologize if i spelt to far in my comment. xx

    • Do you have a blog yourself?
      And THANK YOU for not supporting treatment centers. I do not believe it would be the best decision for myself, either. I’m just an independent person and I know it would be more harmful than beneficial. Thank you for all the positivity! πŸ™‚

  3. as much as you want to get better, it’s really tough to actually do it..it’s because your brain is malnourished. i’ve been there, and when you don’t have enough food you really can’t function. so it’s close to impossible to get better when you’re constantly malnourished. i would really suggest going to a therapist, or even consulting your parents about it. if you want to get better, you gotta ask for help. i was once where you were, and i was miserable. you deserve so much happiness. your life can be so full and rich, if you take the steps to do it. i’m rooting for you. be brave!

  4. Oh my goodness, what an experience. I feel so bad that you went through so much with your knee and the doctors. All of that pain and fear. I’m so sorry about the blood clots and bleeding. Ugh.

    You can get through this. If you gain weight and eat right, you will have a better mindset and have energy. I really think therapy will help you. I am def. going to be praying for you. I hate seeing you go through this. This is a tough time, but you are still an athlete in my eyes because this is just a break in your life from exercise.

    Take care ❀ You can email me at any time if you want!

    • I know, the phrase “blood clots” just scares me in general. To know I had them… Made me feel nauseous. It’s SUCH a scary thing to never know what’s happening underneath your skin.

      And I’m not exercising until I gain weight because I really don’t have the energy of an athlete or person who is mentally nourished. i promised myself I will not do anything until I gain five pounds πŸ™‚

      Thank you for all of the support and prayers, love ❀

  5. Oh no!!! I feel terrible that this happened to you!! How awful and scary 😦 I can relate to the battle and the constant back and forth you’re going through. It is so difficult and hard. Whenever I would convince those who cared about me that I was “fine” and that I wanted to recover, someone close to me said, “Knowing is not behaving.” Just knowing you want to recover and gain weight is not taking the steps to actually DO it and I get the feeling that’s some of what you’re going through.
    What about the counselor you were seeing on campus? Do you still see her? I think finding someone who specializes in eating disorders, maybe off campus but nearby, would be so beneficial to you. I know an outpatient/inpatient center is scary and no one wants to actually go through that but in looking at the big picture of life, a more intensive program will help you in the long run. You have a long and happy life ahead of you and taking care of this problem NOW, before it’s too late, is going to free you of this demon. You don’t want to be dealing with this for the rest of your life. Take charge and take advantage of the support around you.
    xoxo ❀

  6. oh my goodness laura! I’m so sorry you had to go through all that at the hospital – I’ve taken friends to the ER before and they’re just so slow and inefficient. Wow it just breaks my heart hearing you talk about how much pain you were in and your relationship with your parents and everything…

    I agree that you really just need to focus on YOU. reading blogs can sometimes be helpful and inspiring, but sometimes it can be triggering too. And I agree about working out. You have to ask yourself, “do I want to be an athlete? Or do I want to be the girl with the exercise addiction and an eating disorder?”.

    The difference is that athletes take care of themselves. We devote our bodies to our sport, and in order to get through tough workouts, we need to optimize our nutrition and our rest. I had this realization a few weeks ago too – I want to do great things with my running, and in order to do that I need to fuel my body and give it the rest it needs. Kara Goucher – an olympian and probably one of the worlds best distance runners – took FIVE WEEKS of NO EXERCISE AT ALL after injuring her hip. Athletes don’t exercise to burn calories and they don’t restrict what they eat. You CAN be an athlete again, but to do that you need to build a healthy strong body – you’re not there yet, and its’ going to be tough and painful and lots of tears but if its worth it to you, you can do it.

    And to be honest I have to second everyone else – I think you should look into inpatient therapy. It helped my sister a lot, and there’s no shame. You can’t do this by yourself. If your friends and family aren’t in your life, you need SOMEONE to encourage you and keep you accountable – I think a therapist or a treatment center would really make this all happen much faster for you.

    • **Lauren. Lol! πŸ˜‰
      And yeah, I really had an eye-opener in the hospital. I bet every time I go to a gym or anything, people see me as the “really skinny girl” not an athlete. I really, really realized how much of a fog I have towards reality of situations. I do believe inpatient centers/therapy are the “quickest” and “efficient” means of gaining weight, but they are really not for me. I think it would be too much for me to handle and since I’m independent, I could see it more of hurting me than helping me.
      Since I don’t see myself as an athlete since I’m so skinny I made the promise to myself to not exercise until I gain five pounds. NO exercise besides PT stretches/quad strengthening so my knee heals correctly. If I love exercise and being an athlete more than I love my eating disorder, I will gain the weight. I want to be an athlete, so let’s see how much I want it.

      • I totally understand about the treatment centers – they’re all different and it actually took two tries for us to find a place that worked for my sister…some of them really suck. I recovered on my own without a ton of help, so I think you can do it – its going to be hard, you’re gonna be uncomfortable, but it’ll be SO worth it in the end πŸ™‚ and hey if you ever need someone to talk to/vent to or whatever you know where to find me!

  7. Oh no!!! I feel terrible that this happened to you!! How awful and scary I can relate to the battle and the constant back and forth you’re going through. It is so difficult and hard. Whenever I would convince those who cared about me that I was β€œfine” and that I wanted to recover, someone close to me said, β€œKnowing is not behaving.” Just knowing you want to recover and gain weight is not taking the steps to actually DO it and I get the feeling that’s some of what you’re going through.
    What about the counselor you were seeing on campus? Do you still see her? I think finding someone who specializes in eating disorders, maybe off campus but nearby, would be so beneficial to you. I know an outpatient/inpatient center is scary and no one wants to actually go through that but in looking at the big picture of life, a more intensive program will help you in the long run. You have a long and happy life ahead of you and taking care of this problem NOW, before it’s too late, is going to free you of this demon. You don’t want to be dealing with this for the rest of your life. Take charge and take advantage of the support around you.
    xoxo ❀

    • I really feel like the whole hospital stay was an eye-opener. My doctor said he doesn’t want me exercising for another week (since I now have multiple stitches in my knee) but I made a promise to myself I’m not allowed to do any exercise, besides PT stretches until I gain 5 pounds. So if I really love exercise above anorexia, I will have to gain weight. No if, ands, or buts.
      I do want to see a nutritionist but since I’m going home I’m kind of stuck between starting one now out here because I’ll be coming back in a month for spring semester… Or should I get one at home when I’ll only be home for a month. I’m not really sure what to do. I mean, it is the holidays so it would be rather simple for me to gain five pounds from cookie-eating (lol) but I DO want to do it through means of actual food, as well. I’m not really sure whether to make a session even if I leave for home or to just wait until I come back…

  8. I’m sorry this was such a hard week, but it was definitely a good wake up call. I’m happy for you because you seem very motivated to get to a healthier place. Good idea to stick with yoga for exercise πŸ™‚

    I wish there was something I could do to help you, I’m sorry your family situation is so hard. I don’t know the detail of what’s going on in your family but know that you are not alone. I will be keeping you in my prayers πŸ™‚

    • I’m definitely more determined than I was! It was seriously a wake up call to how much I am in denial of being unhealthy and NOT an athlete. Thank you so much for the prayers!! I appreciate the support πŸ™‚

  9. Just found your blog. I can empathize with you. I injured myself recently and kept pushing myself when I should have been resting. My first injury hasn’t flared back up in a while, but I got a second injury as well. A few weeks ago I had an intense moment of self-reflection. Basically I came to terms with resting if it means that sometime later in my life I will be able to exercise again. I think having ED thoughts forces you to get into this “in the moment” type of thinking. Where you don’t think about how your choices will affect your future (even you immediate future like tomorrow), you just do whatever you can to ease your ED thoughts. So, you exercise when you are tired, hurt, etc. I miss my cardio workouts and often get jealous/feel guilty when others talk about not being able to miss a run or a day at the gym. However, they are not me (or you) and their situation is completely different. I can also relate to you with your parent situation from not getting along to feeling awkward eating in front of them. I am still working on myself. One of the things that really helped me is building my confidence. It may sound counter productive to feel confident in your ED body, but it is not. If you can feel confident in a body that you don’t like it will be much easier to feel confident when you start gaining weight and those negative ED thoughts come back making you question your weight gain and appearance. Also, I don’t know if you take any supplements, but I just added some to my life and it makes me feel like I am doing something to get my body healing again. Just a multi-vitamin, vit b12, vit d, glucosamine chondroiton and fish oil. They aid in decreasing inflammation and healing. I’m glad I found your blog. I will check back soon. Thanks for sharing your life and thoughts.

  10. Hey dear! I am really sorry to hear all of this! I hope you are able to find what you need from this whole experience, as awful as it was. It seems that you have realized a lot already! Just so you know, I will be in Ship all the time except weekends!

  11. Oh my goodness. Unfortunately I can relate WAY too much to this video. Thankfully I didn’t have to get to the hospital experience that you did, but definitely did have the “if I’m going to be an athlete I actually need to gain weight” moment. In my case, anorexia took away my favorite sport ever (gymnastics) and I was trying to be athletic in recovery. That kinda didn’t work. I was still too thin, NO muscle mass, and not nearly as fast as everyone in my division (I was running/swimming/triathlete).

    And then I stress fractured after running a half marathon. That was kind of a wake up call for me. Sure, I was able to run a half marathon, but I wasn’t a top competitor. I was just another person with an eating disorder destroying their body trying to burn off as many calories as possible. And the stress fracture honestly scared me… I was doing enough exercise and not eating enough to the point that exercise- what was supposed to be “healthy”- was actually hurting me. At least in my case, I actually managed to gain weight and (long story later) ended up diving (reliving my gymnastics dream I guess?) at a university!!

    I’m definitely keeping you in my prayers. πŸ™‚ You do whatever’s best for your recovery and give ED a good kick in the ass. πŸ™‚

  12. So I just came across your blog and I seriously love what you have to say – you are very honest and real about the whole situation! Oh and btw that knee injury sounds absolutely horrible! I can’t even imagine! And blood clots – oh my – just the sound of them makes me nervous!!!
    I really hope that you get through your eating disorder! I myself had it really bad not too long ago and I am still constantly struggling with it!
    I have gained some weight, but lately I have been losing again because of stress, which is not good because I don’t have much to lose really.
    It really sounds like you are making good steps in the right direction, but it can be so hard when you actually see the weight gain coming on! I really encourage getting slightly bigger clothes because the second your clothes feel tight it can mess with your head (that is just from experience). I find that there are days where it is super easy and I fuel myself properly, other days I severely under eat, and then other days I eat way too much (happens rarely, usually when my body is so hungry I can’t stand it any longer). It doesn’t help that I run to and from the gym, run at the gym, and lift weights (surprisingly I have gained some muscle which is amazing cuz I don’t eat very much but it is more than before)
    Definitely just eating fruit and veggies will not help you out in gaining weight! Also, even if you notice some bloating/weight gain right away, try to stick with it even though it can be soo hard sometimes!
    We aren’t meant to be this skinny and have all of our bones showing! People worry about it and it is bad for our health!
    You won’t get fat or anything, you will just be normal and healthy – the battle of not eating is a really taxing/difficult one – you want to live your life not consumed with thinking about food right?
    That is a goal that I have for myself, which I am really trying to learn, and again some days are better than others, but after a while I just get sick of not being able to sleep because I’m so hungry!
    I really really hope that you recover from your surgery and everything goes well – a couple of pounds of weight gain will probably make you look and feel a ton better so good luck πŸ™‚
    xoxo
    Natasha! πŸ™‚

    • I know blood clots just sound SO awful hah! And it stinks that as soon as you start losing weight, you don’t really realize it until you have TIME to realize it. It can just peak it’s head in slowly and secretly. I do have some bigger clothes with me and I wear a lot of jeggings which (thankfully) stretch a bit. Plus, I pretty much live in velour pants and sweat pants because… Well, I am a college student πŸ˜‰ haha. I’m definitely realizing the bloating feeling at the moment. It sucks because I feel like I can’t fit another morsel in my body. I know I’m going to have set-back days, it’s just important to bounce back the next day and with time, those set-back days will become less and less as my body adjusts. Thank you for all of the feedback! Thank you for the good luck! πŸ™‚

  13. Looks and sounds like you have a lot to deal with already and now we’re all bombarding you with comments on your bog as well! I hope you’ll be better soon. But to do so, I hopehopehope you’ll be able to push yourself to do what you just said you would. If motivation seems to disappear as quick as it just entered, replay this video (over and over and over and over again!). Because as someone else already commented, saying you’ll do it is one thing, actually doing it is another. That EDvoice has a tendency to peep in and fool yourself into pretending you’re doing what it takes, even though deep down you know you’re not really pushing your limits. Also, I strongly advice you NOT to do yoga/pilates etc now either. If you take the rest you need right now, you’ll have plenty of time (YEARS hun! YEARS!) later to do all the exercise possible. If you overpush it now, you might just end up damaging something permanently. And I know how it feels, I had the same thing but with my hip this time last year and a slight warning: This is your body screeeeaming for help. Crying for you to stop. And the second you do, it will be so thankfull it will go into complete rest-mode. This is scary. You’ll not be able to do what you did, even though you feel like it shouldnt be or feel any different. It will pass. I promise. Just give your body the time/rest/fuel it needs now. Please. Do what you deeeeep down know whats right (yes, also involving that christmascookie and no, not involvnig that extra walk around the block to ‘breathe in some fresh air’) and your body will thank you later. You can do this. And taking on a little extra help (therapy/treatment/nutritionist/doctors) is not in ANY way a sign of failure or lack of capability. It is only you taking this on full force.
    Sorry for this little bookworkcomment here. I wish you all the strenth you can imagine and more and keep it up. The new year is around the corner, let it be one of health and happiness.
    Love,
    Sooz

  14. I do agree about hating inpatient centers. I personally had a really bad experience (but weirdly enough some other people LOVE them and want to be there…I dont get it…I guess different experiences).

    I used to be a competitive runner. Tons faster than a lot of the “speedy” bloggers you see anywhere. I lost it all. I did what you did and took my sweet time. NOW I’ve lost it all. I walk (and thankful to walk). I force in food (and junk included, bread, protein, carbs, FAT, chocolate!). All you’re doing is hurting yourself more and you don’t realize it. SO if you aren’t going to get help, you have two options….suffer the consequences in another 5 years time (like i did…cause i didn’t act fast enough).

    You dont’ need to take a few weeks away from exercise. You need to take at least (minimum ) a year…if you take the next 3 years off, you’re body will bounce back better than what you’re doing to it now.

    Good luck.

    Eat.

  15. p.s..i’m older than u now (30) but i am not a family person either…scraping by in money becuz i absolutely know i can’t go home…but BUT i have talked a bit more to my mom…from a distance…but its helped a bit…trust me: that was a breakthrough for me…so maybe there’s someone out there for u too.

  16. sending hugs your way my darling. you are so strong and beautiful. sometimes god sends us messages in difficult ways to show us how much self-care we need. you CAN do this. i am here if you need support!

    • Sending hugs back! Listen to your own voice, CJ. I see you’re having a rough week. :-/ I think the holidays are tough for all families. They are stressful but do NOT beat yourself up over it. It’s just a tiny part of the year. And this year, remember, you’re home. You are controlling your life and don’t ever wish you’re back where you were because that means you’ve lost control. You’ll be okay, dear πŸ™‚

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