The Ultimate Goal

As you all now, this process is a tough one. I made a goal/promise to myself after I got out of the hospital. My body is aching because of how much I’ve put it through. We are not talking months or a year or two… We’re talking five years of unhealthy eating habits. Yes, this started my junior year of high school.

So, what is my ultimate goal? Well, besides my knee to look/feel normal which I believe is out of the question at this point…

Goal: No exercise (Besides PT stretches/quad strengthening) until I gain five pounds. (Maybe even 10)

No weightlifting, cardio, swimming, cycling, biking, or anything until I gain five pounds. Now, I may do yoga if my knee gets better (which it probably won’t feel up to yoga anytime soon) because I have bad anxiety. Although yoga is a workout, I believe it holds more of a meditation-like value for me. My therapist suggested it a few weeks ago and I believe (when I’m cleared to do so) I will hit up a few yoga classes. This won’t be anytime soon, though. Also, workouts will not include anything I do with my PT because I have to get strength back in/around my knee badly, so anything I do with him does not count. That’s going to a good cause.

So what’s the point? Well, for one… I need to get healthy. My body is showing it has had enough already. For two, I want to consider myself an athlete again. Athletes do not nourish there bodies through strictly fruits/raw veggies. Athletes eat protein, protein, protein… And healthy fats, of course. πŸ˜‰ Thank God I love nut butters. Who am I now? I bet whenever I go to the gym, there is not one person who thinks, “Wow, that girl looks really athletic.” Right now, I know for a fact I’m referred to as, the skinny girl or “Wow, that girl is really skinny.” Is that what I want to be seen as? Well, I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to be thin. But thin also can mean fit, athletic, andin great shape”. Therefore, if I want to exercise and i love exercise more than calorie-burn, I will lose this weight.

The goal is to become an athlete again:

  • Have nice, muscular thighs. Not twig legs that are not even close to touching in the middle.
  • Meat on my bones. Not skin and bones.
  • Boobs would be nice, but athletes don’t always have boobies either. πŸ˜‰ But seeing my chest bone = not attractive.
  • Nice toned, muscular arms. Not arms you can see with veins protruding out of the skin.
  • Strong mentality and emotions. This is tough for everyone, but extremely tough for malnourished minds.
  • A healthy heart, body, and soul.
  • A long life.
  • Friends, family, and fellow athletes to spend time and enjoy a healthy life with

These are just a few.

So, that’s my goal. So far, so good. I’d be lying if I said this was anything close to being easy. I really want to go home, but home seems to be really triggering for me. Home does have a ton of Christmas cookies, though. And home will provide me with a lot of money for food/going out to eat. I know if I came home, my dad would always be down to go out for breakfast/lunch/dinner. I mean, I am still trying to gain weight from healthy fats… “Here she goes again, restricting”. No, by healthy fats I mean spoonfuls of natural peanut butter, not Jif (with hydrogenated oils). I need to start researching healthy fats/natural food products, not recipes I will never make.

So, those are my thoughts in a nutshell. My goal for however long it takes to gain the weight and my ultimate goal for health.

Please let me know your thoughts, suggestions, etc, etc.. I love talking things out with people. It seems to help so much when you have support!


23 thoughts on “The Ultimate Goal

  1. girl you can do this. you have the willpower and motivation to become healthy and back to being an athlete. It is the greatest feeling in the world to just sit back and enjoy life, time with family, and moments with friends which are all things you have been held back from. once I started to eat properly, everything stated becoming more clear. plus, bodies need to be well nourished when recovering from an injury. I know its harder than it sounds but once you get that bit of hope, I know you’ll have the desire for complete recovery. by the way I know for me personally, finding something to do to distract me from my own thoughts like spending time with friends, doing homework, working, etc. definitely helped me act “normal” so to say. good luck girl and keep updating πŸ™‚

    • I’m trying to find things to do because I tend to eat, then go and just think about it because I’m bored. Or I don’t listen to my body actually telling me it IS full for once and I keep eating out of boredom leading to the overly-full/uncomfortable feeling. I need to find a hobby or SOMETHING that keeps my mind busy. It’s hard because I can’t really go do something or go anywhere… I’m an active person by nature so sitting down activities aren’t really my favorites. :-/ I can’t wait to be more “normal” though. It’s been so, so long!

  2. These problems we face come from a focus on body image and a tendency to set goals that are driven by appearance and numbers. Although you may feel that this set of goals is meant to allow you to be more healthy, from an outsider’s perspective, it is just a repeat of the same behaviors that have driven us to this state in the first place. I am not trying to judge you or break you down, I definitely have struggles of my own that I am trying to treat with the help of professionals. I’m just trying to point out a pattern that I can see not only with you, but with myself. Wouldn’t it be nice to just be able to step away from body image and try to enjoy life? I try to do this in baby steps, literally taking it days and hours and minutes at a time. I try to make it through each meal and focus on what’s occurring in the moment, soothing myself by saying in my head that I can deal with the “consequences” of eating later. More often than not, I find these “consequences” to be not-so-bad-after-all. I guess my general point is that finding coping skills to deal with the realities of everyday life may be a more effective use of our energy than constantly trying to remain in control of invariable factors. Let me know what you think.

    • I’m good with setting goals for myself through numbers. I’m more of a structured person and like to lay things out for myself so I don’t look back and be like, “Well, I said I just needed to gain weight.. So, I gained a pound that’s enough.” Because that’s NOT enough. Yet, I’ll let it be enough because of the ED mentality. So, numerical goals are definitely better for me. Counting calories to know where I am in the “ball-park” is also a good thing for me to do. I could easily eat fruit all day and be mentally satisfied because I love fruit. But that isn’t anywhere NEAR the calories I need, so to let myself know I’m getting enough in my body… I rely on numbers. I can see where you’re coming from though. To each his own, I guess.

  3. You can do this! At least you’re writing your plan out and thinking about, but until you actually do it, it’s just words on a page. It’s really easy to talk about what you’re going to do and how you’re going to accomplish it, but it gets tough when you actually gain a pound or know you’ve gained weight- it’s mentally tough. That’s why EDs are a mental disorder that manifest physically. I love what you said about athletes though- you are so right- real athletes take care of their bodies, people with EDs abuse them.

    And peanut butter is delish :). I love the Peanut Butter and Company ones, they are the best!

    • It is really hard to see numbers go up and your body change. The worst is clothing because you begin thinking things like, “I can’t afford new clothes, I have to atleast lose a little to JUST fit into these jeans.” <— ED TALKING. I have to just learn to tell it to shut up. Haha. That's why I wear jeggings, at least they stretch a little πŸ˜‰

      And yessss, PB & Co dark chocolate dreams is SO good! I just like how they use evaporated cane juice instead of hydrogenated oils. It just SOUNDS healthier!

      • I think evaporate cane juice is just a pure form of sugar… it is nothing like hydrogenated oils. Thought I’d let you know just in case it was freaking you out! πŸ™‚ BTW, you are absolutely gorgeous and I love your writing and I know you can recover and beat this ❀

  4. You can SO do this!! Ya it might not be the most fun process in the world but just think about how AMAZING the end’s going to be! Friends, fitness, family… LIFE?!?!??!? So much better than what ED can give/take away from you. And you’re going to do this- you still ARE an athlete… your just working out/fighting in a different way. You’re fighting against ED. And once you win that battle you’ll be able to show the rest of the world how much of an amazing athlete you really are!

    • It’s hard to feel like an athlete when all I’m doing is laying around all day…

      But I keep thinking this IS temporary. It’s a setback. And I’m going to be up for the challenge of getting back into shape and weight-lifting and such when I gain weight. It’ll be a new and improved challenge!

  5. i haven’t exercised in over 2.5 years because I’ve flailed. I’m determined to do it this time (2500 a MINIMUM). And I’m 30 years old.

    Fats don’t frighten me: nut butters , avocados, olive oil, nuts, seeds, whole eggs, real yogurt with live cultures, fatty fish (salmon, sardines, etc)…just to name a few

    and yes protein too is important

    but DO NOT neglect carbs: bread, cereal, oats, for god’s sakes, cookies and chocolate and muffins won’t hurt you either…its all stories u make up to yourself in some kind of is crazy

      • My problem is that I continue to overeat or eat the wrong things all day and night long (like overloading on nuts, rice cakes, avocado, DAIRY, etc)…then the next morning I feel like crap, so I want to eating nothing…but I have to force myself.
        Like this morning I forced myself to have smoothie cause that was the only thing I could think of…but I put in a bunch of stuff I didn’t want (all I wanted was nothing or fruit of course)…it was like 1 cup coconut milk, 1 (30 g) scoop whey protein powder, 1/2 cup frozen mango, 1/2 cup banana, 1 TBSP sunflower seed butter….and something right now is not sitting right and makes me feel sickish…so inevitably I have an unpleasant experience in the bathroom (my bowels are SO messed up 😦 ) and its just the morning time…so its only morning and i already feel screwed up and lousy for the day….

        I think I need to be more normal…i see and she eats “normal” you know….(although not nearly enough cals that u and I would need)…but its like i’m all hung up on protein and doing everything “perfect”..i HATE this..

      • I know I’m probably not the one to give advice, but I’m trying to really get over this, too. There is NOTHING wrong with eating a lot of fruit in the morning. But just eat like a slice of toast and THEN all the fruit you want. And you can’t think of the “toast” or whatever you choose to eat with the fruit to be because you “have” to. If you don’t want toast, ask yourself what you really do want. Have that and then if you still feel unfilled, eat fruit. ALSO, and this is something I’ve completely lost in this process… When you’re hungry for something eat it the way you TRULY want to eat it. It’s going to be a battle, but if you really want something and you’re supposed to be increasing your calories… Why not try it? If you STILL feel unfilled, try again the next morning with something else. What I mean by THIS is… Say I really wanted fruit but I thought that wasn’t sufficient and I should try to eat at least a little something, something with it… And I choose toast. Now, I would NOT want my toast to be a slice of charcoal bread. So, I could add a.) butter b.) honey c.)jam d.)bananas e.)peanut butter or a combo of ANYTHING. The important thing is… If you choose butter or honey, go for like a “Smart Balance Light” brand or an olive oil-based butter. It makes me feel better knowing I’m increasing calories in a HEALTHIER way. You’re not smearing a hunk of lard on your bread, it’s a nice fluffy olive oil buttery spread with Omega-3s. Just try it! And let me know how this goes!

  6. you’ve got this one girl! I think once you start fueling your body right and gain however much weight you need, the mental willpower will come along with it – you touched on it, but nobody really thinks clearly when their brain is starved! It’s definitely going to be tough – weight gain is uncomfortable, there’s just no getting around it, but when you start to feel and see the benefits, there’s definitely no going back πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ As for how to gain weight, I wouldn’t worry so much about whether food is healthy or not – life’s about balance. No need to stuff your face with junk food, but when you’re gaining, you also don’t need to feel bad about a cookie or two. And I bet your dad would be thrilled if you went out to eat with him!

  7. These goals are GREAT!!! One step at a time, don’t force anything too fast. You are awesomeeee. Jiff is nasty and even I am afraid of that shit. Stick with the natural nut butters, avocados, COCONUT oil. YUM!

  8. Yeah…you are not like me…I’m FORCING in calories…and I eat a TON of fat (way more than you…I eat at least 1-2 tbsps of olive oil, half an avocado, 2 whole eggs, fatty salmon, a TON of nuts every day…so I am a loser cause u deefinitely don’t do that)…plus I’m binging on entire tubs of yogurt + nuts + a BAG of bread!!! plus a BOX of oranges…i just had a bar (entire bar) of 60% chocolate…and i sit on my bum all day long…and i’ll wake up and feel like crap (and my bowels will be mess…likely constipated…sorry TMI) and then still force in a sickening breakfast\
    so i KNOW you can’t relate to that cause u seem to be taking in LOW calories…u definitely don’t force in major cals 6x a day like me and u defnitely don’t binge like me
    i’m a pathetic loser…and now i have to deal with the consequences in the morning again after a binge on junk

    i used to be very rigid and wouldn’t touch the stuff…slipped into orthorexia…that backfired on my bigtime…now i lose it…i lose control and binge

    • Thank you SO much! I didn’t know you changed your blog name! I was wondering why you weren’t coming up on my reader anymore! And I will definitely contact you if things get bad, thank you so much! ❀

  9. Hi Lauren!
    I just discovered your blog and I can’t believe how identical our stories are! I can completely relate to what you’re going through right now. I’m 21, and over the past 4 years I went from being a runner/athlete to dangerously underweight. I’m working really hard right now to gain weight, and just like you said, it is NOT easy! It seems like no matter what I do I can’t gain and keep on more than a couple pounds…and I need to gain ALOT more than that.

    Even though its a slow process, I know that it is possible! I’ve found that setting big long term goals and little goals each day has really helped me! I know what you mean about wanting to eat healthy, natural fats, and I tried that for a while but I really didn’t make much progress until I doubled my portions (2 tbsp. of PB, or 2 whole eggs instead of 1) and started drinking an extra bottle of Ensure everyday. This really seemed to help speed up my progress, and it was a little easier to take (just think of it like taking medicine – it’s only temporary and it will help you get better faster πŸ™‚ Just something to consider!
    I really admire you for sharing your story and I wish you all the best! I’m slowly starting to see things improve for myself, and I know you will too! Just be patient πŸ™‚ I totally understand how difficult it is to force yourself to sit still and avoid activity, but it is so worth it to let your body rest/recover. Just focus on everything you will be able to do once you get your muscles back! I’m trying really hard to focus on preparing for the life I’ll have after I regain enough weight to work on my long term goals (finish my nursing degree and exercise instructor certification). Reading, and planning for all the things I want to do in the future really motivates me to force in the calories everyday even though its usually uncomfortable. Writing also really helps me to get my thoughts out and keep my priorities straight! So keep blogging girl! πŸ™‚ Things WILL get better! Like you said, talking it out totally helps me too so I’d love to talk yo you more! Stay strong girl πŸ™‚

    • It really is NOT easy to completely shut off all forms of exercise. I think that is really the hardest thing to do because you build up SO much energy from eating things (especially a lot of protein) and you have nothing to do with it. I tend to cry when I have a lot of energy because I just think about my injury and how much I’ve thrown away. I could be out enjoying my time with friends and stuff but I’m stuck in the house, building up energy, and sitting on my toosh. I DEFINITELY believe in setting short term goals all leading to long term goals. I think the short term goals really keep you on track and help you maintain focus. It makes it easier to find yourself “losing it” (no pun intended). I keep trying to find something to take my mind off of things but I’m naturally an active person, unfortunately. So, all of the things I like to do/hobbies I’ve done are all active activities. It’s REALLY frustrating. I hope you keep reading my blog and commenting! It’s nice to hear from everyone with similar stories!
      PS. I definitely load up on PB. Did you ever try various nut butters? They are REALLY good, too, and you’re not just getting the same ‘ol PB taste!

  10. Hey Lauren!
    I think that yoga would be a great thing for you to start doing when your knee gets better- it’s a way to get more in tune with your body! And the stretching would do your body some good I’m sure πŸ™‚ Also- I read a book over Christmas Break called Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and another dietician. It’s about respecting your body and getting in tune with hunger and satiety cues. It’s really helpful for people who either struggle with weight loss or disordered eating! It’s an “anti-dieting” book that is aimed to get you to your natural weight- this is based on the individual. I feel like it may help you since I know it can be hard to restructure the way you think about eating- I’ve been through it! Good luck on everything πŸ™‚

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