Merry Christmas Eve!!!
I decided to come home for the holiday on a whim.I
definitely kinda missed my family and could use additional support.
Plus, my whole house is filled with Christmas candy and cookies.
So… If I choose to gain weight the “fast way”, there is always the option at home.
I really want to be able to indulge without gorging. I know my “body needs it” yadda, yadda, yadda. But honestly, it’s more likely a relapse occurs if you just shove cookies into your mouth. Think about it. Even people without EDs get that “guilty” feeling sometimes after a really, really bad cookie binge… So imagine what it’s like for a person WITH an eating disorder. Yeah, it’s about ten times worse and we go hide in a corner and don’t ever want to come out. So moderation and more moderation is what I’m STRIVING FOR. The key is, as Julia Child best puts it… Is to include moderation into your life. Don’t be afraid of it.
So far, I’ve gained about four pounds.
Not a lot, but it’s something.
The only thing that is really hard for me to handle is the uncomfortable feeling.
I go to bed every night completely famished or too full.
There seems to be no “happy median” for me.
I DID eat cereal last night with milk for the first time in, honestly, I have no idea how long.
I didn’t measure the cereal. I didn’t measure the milk. I just poured and poured until it looked right for my appetite. AND it was Kashi Blueberry Cluster which is pretty much fantastic! That’s one FEAR FOOD down the drain. 🙂
Other fear foods I’ve marked off my list? Well, considering for the last couple months I’ve been eating nothing but fruits, veggies, egg whites, and assorted grilled fishes… My fear foods were pretty much anything delicious. But I’ve been incorporating ATLEAST one every.single.day.
I’m so determined to do this. Honestly, it’s easy for me to incorporate things back into my diet if I know they are the “healthier” version of the food. Like, smart balance over regular butter. Natural peanut butter over JIF. White whole wheat flour instead of all-purpose. Christmas cookies over fruit. 😉 It’s almost just an “ease of mind” type thing… Tricking my mind, I guess you could say. I just feel better incorporating “fatty foods” if I know they are whole foods.
I’ve actually been able to talk to my mom the past few days about this. Before I came home, I explained to her the uncomfortable feel and the days I’m just not going to eat the recommended calories. I let her know these days are okay and they will occur less and less as my mind and body become accustomed to eating more. To my mom, and I don’t blame her, if an individual has one bad day… They automatically think “RELAPSE” and freak out. Now, this could be the case… But it is her job to just keep an eye I’m not losing myself without really realizing it. And not to freak out immediately. She has to learn to trust me, as I have to learn to trust her. We have NEVER had a good relationship, but with family… It’s never too late to try again.
It’s Christmas Eve.
Relax. Spend time with Family.
Find Happiness. Eat Cookies.
Watch the Eagles beat the Cowboys.
Find Faith. Find Hope.