Home for the Holidays

Merry Christmas Eve!!!

I decided to come home for the holiday on a whim.I definitely kinda missed my family and could use additional support.
Plus, my whole house is filled with Christmas candy and cookies.
So… If I choose to gain weight the “fast way”, there is always the option at home.

I really want to be able to indulge without gorging. I know my “body needs it” yadda, yadda, yadda. But honestly, it’s more likely a relapse occurs if you just shove cookies into your mouth. Think about it. Even people without EDs get that “guilty” feeling sometimes after a really, really bad cookie binge… So imagine what it’s like for a person WITH an eating disorder. Yeah, it’s about ten times worse and we go hide in a corner and don’t ever want to come out. So moderation and more moderation is what I’m STRIVING FOR. The key is, as Julia Child best puts it… Is to include moderation into your life. Don’t be afraid of it.

So far, I’ve gained about four pounds.
Not a lot, but it’s something.
The only thing that is really hard for me to handle is the uncomfortable feeling.
I go to bed every night completely famished or too full.
There seems to be no “happy median” for me.
I DID eat cereal last night with milk for the first time in, honestly, I have no idea how long.
I didn’t measure the cereal. I didn’t measure the milk. I just poured and poured until it looked right for my appetite. AND it was Kashi Blueberry Cluster which is pretty much fantastic! That’s one FEAR FOOD down the drain. πŸ™‚

Other fear foods I’ve marked off my list? Well, considering for the last couple months I’ve been eating nothing but fruits, veggies, egg whites, and assorted grilled fishes… My fear foods were pretty much anything delicious. But I’ve been incorporating ATLEAST one every.single.day.

I’m so determined to do this. Honestly, it’s easy for me to incorporate things back into my diet if I know they are the “healthier” version of the food. Like, smart balance over regular butter. Natural peanut butter over JIF. White whole wheat flour instead of all-purpose. Christmas cookies over fruit. πŸ˜‰ It’s almost just an “ease of mind” type thing… Tricking my mind, I guess you could say. I just feel better incorporating “fatty foods” if I know they are whole foods.

I’ve actually been able to talk to my mom the past few days about this. Before I came home, I explained to her the uncomfortable feel and the days I’m just not going to eat the recommended calories. I let her know these days are okay and they will occur less and less as my mind and body become accustomed to eating more. To my mom, and I don’t blame her, if an individual has one bad day… They automatically think “RELAPSE” and freak out. Now, this could be the case… But it is her job to just keep an eye I’m not losing myself without really realizing it. And not to freak out immediately. She has to learn to trust me, as I have to learn to trust her. We have NEVER had a good relationship, but with family… It’s never too late to try again.

It’s Christmas Eve.

Relax. Spend time with Family.
Find Happiness. Eat Cookies.
Watch the Eagles beat the Cowboys.
Find Faith. Find Hope.


27 thoughts on “Home for the Holidays

  1. I can relate to how your feeling! Im trying to gain but don’t want to do it all at once, and deal with a ll the negative feelings. But I have to remind myself that my idea of ‘indulging’ probably isn’t even considered much to normal people. Julia child said it best!
    Best wishes, and merry christmas!

  2. I’m so glad you decided to go home, and that you and your mom got to talk it out a bit! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ That’s the great thing about families – no matter how bad the relationship, the love is always there. And I totally agree, its easier for me to eat more calories if they’re healthy calories – but it IS the season for treats after all, so I think you’re right – balance it all out. 4 pounds actually sounds like a huge accomplishment to me – CONGRATULATIONS! keep up the hard work, I’m so happy to see you working towards that ultimate goal! Merry Christmas Lauen!!! πŸ™‚

    • Thank you SO much! πŸ™‚ And yeah, it’s just key to balance it all out. I just have to find that balance. It’s almost like I think once I eat something, I have to eat so much of it because my body probably thinks it’s never going to get that again. I think that mayyyy have something to do with it.

      Merry Christmas to you, too!

  3. I’m not with family…I usually do Christmas alone.

    I feel horrible about myself. I sit on my bum all day…I binged again tonight…about 1000 calories at 10 pm….that is after a full day of sitting + eating…so about 2100 for the day…and all that stuff after 10 pm…i’m horrible 😦

      • its hard to know how many cals per day i really need…i’m 30 years old and have been like this for 5 or 6 years…and don’t exercise…i’m extremely worried i’ll “swing” the other way and end up gaining a ton and never being able to lose it…plus i used to be orthorexic and now am rebelling by eating chocolate, etc…
        still..eating a TON of cals after 11 pm at night…it makes my digestion worse and when i wake up to breakfast i don’t want to eat a thing (i then proceed to choke down a 300 calorie smoothie…and still feel awful all day)..i don’t know how to get on the “right track”…

  4. so glad you are home with family. ENjoy and savor the time and food. Those 4 lbs are happy pounds. Good for the soul and sounds like it was good for you to conquer that fear.

  5. Glad you went home to spend time with your family for Christmas- it’s definitely the time of year to really try NOT to feel all the negative thoughts (even though that’s pretty much impossible), because you never get the time with family back.

    I hope you have a great day and enjoy everything you eat and the time with family :). Merry Christmas!

    • This is true. It is REALLY hard but I’m trying to enjoy it. It’s a struggle for everyone, though, the holidays are always SO hectic and everyone is “on edge” haha. Merry Christmas! πŸ™‚

  6. It sounds like you are doing MUCH better! I have been praying for you and for your knee to heal up! I’m glad you were able to go home and talk a little with your mom! Merry Christmas!!!

    • Aww! Thank you SO much for praying for me. You don’t know how good it feels to hear someone is looking out for me! I hope my knee heals, too, I’m so worried since the last two surgeries didn’t do the trick. :-/ I hope you had a wonderful Christmas!

  7. merry christmas girl! amazing job with the cereal. remember, cookies are NOT bad, and it is a holiday. everyone deserves a treat on the holiday, guilt free. you are wonderful and I am SO SO SO proud of you.

    • I’m trying! It’s hard but I just have to keep reading motivational quotes/things to keep me goin! I really wanna hit up your popcorn maker when I get back to school. I’m so nervous about student teaching, though, because one of my friends said it’s SO time consuming and I’m NOT good at managing my time at all! Yikes.

  8. I hope you were able to live it up on christmas and just relax! This was honestly the first year that I didn’t think about food and get all crazy and nervous about it. It was such a relief, and I believe you will get to that point too! Gaining isn’t easy, and I think you should be proud of the 4 lbs you’ve managed to put on so far. Just keep truckin’!

    • Thanks lady! It definitely is not easy but I can’t expect it to be. I tried to relax as much as possible but I was a bit on edge. HOWEVER, it was a lot better than the previous two Christmas’ and DEFINITELY better than Thanksgiving. So, with that sense, I definitely made progress within the past month. πŸ™‚ Thanks for the boost!

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