Oh hey, 2013!

Oh hi! I know it’s been a very, very long time. Sorry for the hiatus! Instead of writing about a four-page post, I’ll do a quick summary of some big events which occured throughout the past… err, year?

Oops.

Otherwise, I believe I am going to be using this blog more as an outlet. I’m probably going to post the most random things in the world, so…. Do not be surprised if one day I post about how much I hate Taylor Swift then the next day I cry as I whine about my knee issues. Yeah, that’s still going on.

Okay, so student teaching was hard but do I love teaching? You better believe it. I graduated in May 2012 with my Bachelor’s Degree in Mathematics Education. Hoor-ay!

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After my first placement, I really needed something in my life. I did not talk to almost anyone because I was so busy and I am anti-social thanks to years of eating disordered mind. So, I decided to buy a puppy. Yeap, right smack dab in the middle of the semester. Let me just tell you.. Puppies are no joke. HARD WORK. But worth it? By far the best decision I have ever made for myself. Meet Elmo. He’s a Cavapoo (Cavalier King Charles Spaniel + Poodle) and the love of my life; in fact, since I can barely get around due to my knee, I’m with him almost 24/7. It is kind of sad but I have a feeling I would not be here or anywhere if I had not decided to get him.

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Oh, about my knee. Err, I had a third/fourth (whatever you want to refer to it as) surgery. Turns out I had been hobbling around on a stress fracture for who knows how long in my knee. I did all of my student teaching with a stress fracture, was told to “just go and run” by a stupid doctor with a stress fracture, ran a Color Run with a stress fracture, yeap… my knee was a mess. Finally, I got my fourth surgery and things still are not going well for me. I’m not going to lie, if I post as much as I think I will.. You’ll see I am in a dark place right now. Everything in my life (Literally, everything) has been taken from me. My knee is such a mess I cannot teach on it, I cannot walk around on it, I can barely stand on it, I can’t bake anymore (Well, I can but it’s painful and becomes un-enjoyable from the pain), I cannot exercise, I cannot run around my puppy, and I cannot move or take on step without feeling like my knee is… Well, not a knee. Instead of a hinge, it’s more like an inflamed ball of angry. Ooof. Needless to say, I should probably be on antidepressants. Okay, definitely… I’m really surprised I am still alive right now. Honesty stinks, but it’s the truth and I cannot/will not hide it.

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My eating? Uhm. It’s been a roller coaster. Of course, as soon as my knee did not heal immediately I went back to a disordered mind. Especially with the depression and watching my career go down the drain… Things have been sketchy. I am to the point in my life where I always get pumped to just fight it. I want to take it by the horns and just plow through the beast… But at the end of the night I realize it was the same day as any other. Frustrating? Yeap. Maybe I’m alone on it or maybe it’s just the caffeine but I really do get psyched to recover; yet, I find myself just not DOING SOMETHING about it.

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Is this the reason my knee isn’t recovering? I don’t know. It’s kind of the chicken or the egg scenario. It may be but I’m too stubborn to just eat because, of course, I’m convinced it is not the reason. I don’t believe eating disorders can cause inflammation/access synovial fluid in my knee but eating disorders can cause osteoporosis (stress fractures… eek, scared to get that one checked) and muscle atrophy.

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Chicken or the egg. Chicken or the egg.

Otherwise, I’m just going to pick up and just start blogging. You’ll find I am very all over the place and pretty much never leave my house; however, I miss actually having anyone to talk to … Even if it’s people I have never actually met in real life 🙂

So hello again! And Happy 2013!

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10 thoughts on “Oh hey, 2013!

    • I know, we stalk each other without wordpress lol! I’ve been reading your blog, too, just not commenting 😉 I was staying on the DL. But yes, the little puppy you saw on campus has definitely been probably the only thing to make me TRULY happy in the past like… year and a half haha.

  1. HEY! I’m so glad you’re back! I missed you whenever you stopped blogging and wondered how you were doing. I’m sorry to hear that your knee is still giving you trouble. I hope that it can heal. Elmo is so cute! I’m excited you’re back to blogging 🙂

    • I missed you, too! I definitely missed just keeping up with people and getting to know others who just have the same struggles/interests. It’s so nice to just get feedback and I’ve definitely just missed it A LOT. 🙂

  2. I’m glad you’re back!! I honestly think it’s going to help you more than you know. It may help you mentally but it will also help your ED too if you write about it and listen to the support we all have for you. I went through a similar problem with getting knee/foot surgery twice in three years and that’s what caused my Eating disorder in the first place, so if you ever want to talk, feel free to email me!! (pickyrunner@gmail.com)

    • Yeah, I always struggled with eating since about junior year of high school; however, I would eat junk, cookies, and tons of chocolate; however, now I do not even touch anything with sugar in it. I know the calories/fat in everything. It’s a mess. After my first surgery everything just COMPLETELY fell apart. This is probably one of the roughest things I’m having to deal with because it’s affecting everything in my life. You need good knees to do almost.. well, anything. I’m glad to hear someone has a VERY similar story to me! I can’t wait to get to know you more 🙂

  3. My sister went through a really rough divorce – without much detail her husband was emotionally abusive and she has never been one to really fight for herself. I swear to got her yellow lab was her cure – having that dog to love and care for during such an emotional time when I KNOW she wasn’t loving or caring for herself was just the outlet she needed. I think the best thing about dogs is they love unconditionally – even when you don’t love yourself. Sounds like it has definitely been a rocky year for you but definitely happy to have found you!

    • Without Elmo, I do not know where I would be right now. It is just an amazing feeling when you come home after having the roughest day in the world and there is always SOMEONE happy to see you. Unconditional love is really a strong cure, I completely agree with you. I’m glad to hear your sister had the same help I have to get through a tough time 🙂

  4. It’s great to hear from you and have you back in the blog world :). Really sorry to hear about your knee and the food issues, but it’s great that you graduated with your degree (love the pic of you and the family) and got a puppy- he’s a really cute puppy and I can totally believe he’s helped your recovery! Hopefully 2013 will be a better year for you with the health issues and you can continue living an awesome life with the pups 🙂

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