This post is going to be a little bit of a debby downer; yet, it is something I want to write about because I believe it is important and explains some big parts of my life. It’s wordy as hell but it will give you a damn good picture of my mindset as of… now.
I am sure as soon as some stumble onto my site they read my bio and immediately click away because I have the same similar story as most trying to recover from disordered eating habits. I understand most blogs you happen to stumble upon have some sort of story with either unhealthy eating patterns or a full-blown eating disorder. I think a lot of those who started a blog with a bad eating habit forget why they started a blog in the first place and it is the reason I really want to get back into blogging/start blogging more to begin with: support and honest friendships. Since my ED developed, many of my relationships with friends and family slowly faded away or became entirely extinct. Since my surgeries, I have completely lost everything. This is no exaggeration. If you follow me on Instagram, you’ll know I spend (not to mention my blog title) 100% of my time with Elmo. I know it sounds like I’m desperate for friends but… I kind of am..
This is the raw truth about myself. How I feel about myself right now:
I feel… like a spoiled brat. My parents pay for everything, including food, clothes, gas, coffee, books, surgeries, medicines… Everything. Why? Because I cannot stand long enough to get a teaching job or really ANY job. You may think I am exaggerating but every single step I take my knee feels just… off. It’s a feeling I cannot explain and I try hard to compare it to something but I can never find the right words. This frustrates me to no extent especially when I go to the doctor’s office and cannot explain my symptoms.
I feel… like a nobody. I made my way through college and received my Bachelor’s Degree just to see it become a meaningless document in a pile of papers. The career I chose when I was seven years old is being thrown away. Why? Because I did not take care of my body, ran too much, and didn’t eat enough to sustain my muscle. So, what happened? Surgeries. Four of them and still nothing is right.
I feel… alone. Aside from Elmo, my family, and the Dunkin’ Donuts drive-through team… I see no one.
I feel… immature. This one is a BIG one. I am watching my peers, fellow graduates, old friends, and even bloggers I stalk go places in their lives. Where am I? Stuck at home. Due to all of these surgeries, I am missing out on growing up. I have the humor of a sixteen year old and it will probably never change, but I feel like my maturity level is just… not where it should be for my age. I am so dependent on my parents… How can I possibly grow up? It’s an awful feeling.
I feel… lost. In the past, I could label myself as so many things from baker to student to runner. If someone asked me to label myself, I would have no idea what to say to them.
I feel… like a terrible ‘friend’. There are so many times people try to make connections with me or catch up; yet, my response and excuse is always something about my knee. Why? Because it hasn’t been better since June 2011. For some reason, I think I’m kind of “over” the eating disorder frame of mind with going out to eat. I might be wrong since I haven’t been put into the circumstances, but I realized going out to eat does not mean you’ll gorge yourself or have to gorge yourself. You can always modify an order to whatever the hell you want it to taste like at the moment.
I feel… devastated. I went from being able to run 13 miles to barely being able to walk around my house. I went from being athletic to just reading and wishing I could workout again. And today, I found out I might need a fifth arthroscopy. Well, fuck.
So, is making a blog a desparate attempt to make friends? You better fucking believe it.
And these little details of how I feel about myself give you an insight on my life.
Although most of these things are bad, this is the raw and worst of my life and my personality.
I wish I could connect with people like I used to connect with them… Because my interests have not changed a bit.
I still love talking about fitness, getting inspiration for baking, and I am a total foodie at heart.
Yet, it’s been folded over and creased because I’ve pretty much had to morph myself with my current circumstances.
Hopefully you can read between the lines and get to know the real me.
Good and boy. Happy and Sad. Funny and… well, probably fucking annoying at times. 🙂
Tell me some raw truths about yourself.