The Raw Truth

This post is going to be a little bit of a debby downer; yet, it is something I want to write about because I believe it is important and explains some big parts of my life. It’s wordy as hell but it will give you a damn good picture of my mindset as of… now.

I am sure as soon as some stumble onto my site they read my bio and immediately click away because I have the same similar story as most trying to recover from disordered eating habits. I understand most blogs you happen to stumble upon have some sort of story with either unhealthy eating patterns or a full-blown eating disorder. I think a lot of those who started a blog with a bad eating habit forget why they started a blog in the first place and it is the reason I really want to get back into blogging/start blogging more to begin with: support and honest friendships. Since my ED developed, many of my relationships with friends and family slowly faded away or became entirely extinct. Since my surgeries, I have completely lost everything. This is no exaggeration. If you follow me on Instagram, you’ll know I spend (not to mention my blog title) 100% of my time with Elmo. I know it sounds like I’m desperate for friends but… I kind of am..

This is the raw truth about myself. How I feel about myself right now:
I feel… like a spoiled brat. My parents pay for everything, including food, clothes, gas, coffee, books, surgeries, medicines… Everything. Why? Because I cannot stand long enough to get a teaching job or really ANY job. You may think I am exaggerating but every single step I take my knee feels just… off. It’s a feeling I cannot explain and I try hard to compare it to something but I can never find the right words. This frustrates me to no extent especially when I go to the doctor’s office and cannot explain my symptoms.

I feel… like a nobody. I made my way through college and received my Bachelor’s Degree just to see it become a meaningless document in a pile of papers. The career I chose when I was seven years old is being thrown away. Why? Because I did not take care of my body, ran too much, and didn’t eat enough to sustain my muscle. So, what happened? Surgeries. Four of them and still nothing is right.

I feel… alone. Aside from Elmo, my family, and the Dunkin’ Donuts drive-through team… I see no one.

I feel… immature. This one is a BIG one. I am watching my peers, fellow graduates, old friends, and even bloggers I stalk go places in their lives. Where am I? Stuck at home. Due to all of these surgeries, I am missing out on growing up. I have the humor of a sixteen year old and it will probably never change, but I feel like my maturity level is just… not where it should be for my age. I am so dependent on my parents… How can I possibly grow up? It’s an awful feeling.

I feel… lost. In the past, I could label myself as so many things from baker to student  to runner. If someone asked me to label myself, I would have no idea what to say to them.

I feel… like a terrible ‘friend’. There are so many times people try to make connections with me or catch up; yet, my response and excuse is always something about my knee. Why? Because it hasn’t been better since June 2011. For some reason, I think I’m kind of “over” the eating disorder frame of mind with going out to eat. I might be wrong since I haven’t been put into the circumstances, but I realized going out to eat does not mean you’ll gorge yourself or have to gorge yourself. You can always modify an order to whatever the hell you want it to taste like at the moment.

I feel… devastated. I went from being able to run 13 miles to barely being able to walk around my house. I went from being athletic to just reading and wishing I could workout again. And today, I found out I might need a fifth arthroscopy. Well, fuck.

So, is making a blog a desparate attempt to make friends? You better fucking believe it.
And these little details of how I feel about myself give you an insight on my life.
Although most of these things are bad, this is the raw and worst of my life and my personality.
I wish I could connect with people like I used to connect with them… Because my interests have not changed a bit.
I still love talking about fitness, getting inspiration for baking, and I am a total foodie at heart.
Yet, it’s been folded over and creased because I’ve pretty much had to morph myself with my current circumstances.

Hopefully you can read between the lines and get to know the real me.
Good and boy. Happy and Sad. Funny and… well, probably fucking annoying at times. 🙂

Tell me some raw truths about yourself.

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18 thoughts on “The Raw Truth

  1. Girl, if you ever want to talk to anyone, know that I am here. You have a world of support in the blog world, and with a little hope, you WILL get there. Feel free to email me anytime at pickyrunner@gmail.com. I hate that you feel so down on yourself right now! You have so much life left to live. Sure, the past few years have sucked for you between your knee and your ED, but don’t let that ruin the years you have ahead ❤

    • I have just heard bad news on top of bad news and eventually you just lose hope. Thank you so much for support. It is really what I need right now; in fact, blogging about anything just gets my mind off of it so I really hope to just figure it out a little more!

  2. I know things might seem a little bit hopeless right now, but believe me that they WILL get better. How do I know? Because I basically could have written all of this just a few short years ago, and life right now is a complete 180 from what it used to be – something I couldn’t even imagine when I was going through it. So hang in there – situations and circumstances aren’t written in stone. Life is fluid, full of ups and downs. Funks are never permanent, so don’t lose hope 🙂

    • Things have definitely gone up and down the past few years but it’s amazing how much you can slowly build up and then hit a catastrophic down. It’s the famous 3 steps foward; 7 steps back. Thank you for giving me hope there is and will be a light at the end of the tunnel. 🙂

  3. I wish I would have known when I was in PA and of course I’d love to stop and hang. I was an education major for 3 years of college so a lot of my friends are struggling and even with student teaching now. You are awesome and you are going to make it through this!

    • I probably would have made plans with you then start crying because of my knee and call them off. AKSJFDLJ. Goes back to the list. Student teaching was SO hard. Students do not want to take you seriously at all unless you have a cooperating teacher who teaches you how to lay down the law; otherwise, you’re screwed pretty much. haha!

  4. Well I am pretty sure I stumbled across your blog at kind of perfect time because I can relate to at least some of these posts. It is hard to not look back and regret a lot of my actions I did when I was seriously engrossed in my ED it really is. But I have to look forward, I can’t let that past or what ifs get stuck in my head. it is all about finding what you can that makes you feel good. it may take you or me or anyone a bit longer but that is ok. no path is perfect. If you ever feel like chatting email me – therunwithin@gmail.com.

    • I know what you mean about letting things go because you cannot undo them… Only move forward. Also, I find I’m engrossed in the past which ends up just bring back old feelings. It’s hard to forget but I guess I just have to turn all of those circumstances into life lessons. I’m glad I stumbled upon your blog 🙂

  5. Thanks for being so honest in this post. You know what? I think a lot more people than you think have some of the same feeling as you do. It just seems so taboo in our society to not have friends, to feel immature, etc. I am very dependent (emotionally and physically) on my family/parents and I think that life is too short not to be close with one’s family, you know? And about friends… if you ever want to talk, email me! We can become texting buddies, too 🙂

    • It just seems I am so dependent on them compared to those who are moving out of their homes and just.. Well, moving on with their lives. I feel so immature and just… juevenile because of how much I rely on my parents. Thank you for the support and I’ll definitely become text buddies 🙂

  6. I’m 31.5.
    Eight years of university…and nothing. Lost my career. Kinda underweight, yet binging at night, no energy, adrenal fatigue and major digestion issues…still fear of food, yet binging and not exercising cause I’m too lethargic and depressed. Feel so badly about myself…my career, everything down the tube.
    HUGS to you. Email if you want. I can’t relate to anyone cause I keep struggling with the bad bad extreme late night binging (afriad this will catch up to me) . YOU ARE NOT old….I am…
    Man oh man. Also, I used to be a majorly good competitve runner…last few years, walking is laborious and boring and all…yeppers. I HAVE to change my attitude and mentality. I HAVE To be positive and resilient and be a kind, good person…instead of whinning. MUST work on this ASAP.

  7. Good for you for letting all of this out. I’m sure you’re frustrated but you also seem like you’ve come really far! Maybe even though life isn’t what you want it to be yet – you’re over the hump so every step is getting you closer to that point!

    I bought mint jeans on friday – thought of you, girl 🙂

  8. I don’t know if it makes you feel any better, but I can really relate to just about everything you wrote…feeling dependent on your family, social isolation, and feeling without an identity. When I start thinking things like, “I shouldn’t be so dependent on my parents” or “I should be working/in school” I just try to remember that everyone’s situation is different. I think we tend to hold high expectations of ourselves and what we think we “should” be doing, and then feel disappointed when we don’t live up to those expectations. I think that more people than we realize feel the exact same way that we do, it’s just not something that gets brought up in conversations too often.

    I know you are going through a rough patch now, but things won’t stay this way forever. You will get better, your knee will heal, and you will be able to teach and run and bake again. It just takes time. Coming out of this, you will be even stronger, and you will appreciate the good times that much more. If you ever want to get anything off your mind (or just want a friend to talk to), you can always email me at comingbackalive@yahoo.com.

    • After reading your comment, I agree 100%. I do set high expectations for myself and sometimes I believe the expectations I set are unrealistic. Especially under my current circumstances, I cannot expect to be able to get a job but it’s the fear of NEVER being able to get a teaching job that gets me down. I try to live in the moment and not worry about the future, but sometimes it’s hard because I might have to go in a different direction with my career and I cannot just keep sitting around forever. I hope this rough patch does make me stronger in the end; unfortunately, my knee is just being very stubborn. Thank you for the support! I really appreciate it 🙂

  9. Lauren! We should hang out sometime since we must literally live 10 minutes away from each other. OR, you should join the PA Bloggers group… we do all sorts of fun things! It is so much harder to make friends post-college, in my opinion! I’ve met so many great people through blogging though!

    • I keep going on Facebook to join the group but I get distracted so easily! And we definitely should because we most likely live LESS than 10 minutes from each other haha! I need to try and move on with my life and it’s definitely difficult being out of college + half handicapped.

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