I’m not going to lie… Recovering from surgery is so hard for me. I am struggling emotionally, physically, and mentally with this surgery. Anxiety to the max.
Anxiety Problem #1: I am freaking out about my left knee. It just feels off and I am so afraid of making it worse. Since my right knee is a huge bundle of wrap, I am relying – mostly – on my left leg. So, if I’m relying on my left leg and it feels off… It just is not making me feel good. At all. I might not be exaggerating when I say I’ve been crying like a baby and my mother is about to strangle me. I just cannot help it.
Anxiety Problem #2: I am so afraid of doing something wrong that I walk around like I am on glass 24/7. This may seem like a good idea, but it is not a good idea at all. I need to get the fluids moving from my knee and start bending/using my muscles so walking around like I’m floating is not a good idea if I want to recover. With this being said, I have no idea how to walk normal. I have been walking around “wrong” for about a year and half. I don’t even know how to walk anymore. Frustrating.
Anxiety Problem #3: Food. You know you saw this one coming from the get-go. It’s weird. I explained this to my mom in the hospital. I get so pumped to eat whatever I want to eat. Actually, I know my eating disorder has almost nothing to do with gaining weight/food in general. I wake up almost every day with the mindset of “I’m going to do this,” but the minute I take a step… It all changes. I did all of this to myself. I restricted. I decided to run more than 60 miles a week. I killed my body. And I’m paying for it. This causes me to go in a downward spiral every day. I’m living with what I did to myself. So, not only am I dealing with my right knee but Mr. left knee does not feel good either. It’s such an awkward thing.
Anxiety Problem #4: My medication is making me feel like shit and my heart feels like I have heartburn after every meal. Oxycodone + some other medication that is more powerful = Sick belly. I hate taking Ibuprofen let alone all of these heavy duty drugs. I do not like to fill my body with these types of medications. It just doesn’t feel right.
Anxiety Problem #5: I feel like Elmo hates me because I’m laying around all day and cannot play with him (ie. Run around the house like a crazy person). I couldn’t exactly do it before but I tried… I think he’s taking a liking to my mother. I’m a jealous dog owner. I’m just being ridiculous.
Anxiety Problem #6: Did I mention my left knee yet?
I should probably start making a Friday Favorites blog post to perk myself up a little.
Does anyone know any good “recovery” stories I could read about… Mostly athletes, maybe runners?!
I think I need to read some inspiring stories I can relate to on a certain level…
Enlighten me, please! 🙂
Girl and Pup 
I promise your dog doesn’t hate you. Stay calm about your left knee. It’s probably just a little nerves that are making you afraid that something is worse than it is. When I got out of knee surgery last year, my mom like wouldn’t let me move for 3 days straight and when I went back to school, the athletic trainers were literally telling me that if I didn’t start bending my knee right then and there, they were going to do it for me. It didn’t hurt, I was just afraid to do it. I’m so glad they pushed me though because I recovered so quickly. And they also made me practice “walking normally” which I thought I was but after a few days of really focusing, I was able to do it. Until they had me tackling stairs… You’ve got this!!
That’s what my dad said, “YOU NEED TO START MOVING OR YOUR KNEE WILL FREEZE THAT WAY”. My mom and dad are on such different pages, it’s kind of funny to watch. Overal, I’m getting around the house. Minor aches and pains, nothing too severe. I’m trying to do minor quad contractions to get the fluids moving.
i really hope everything is ok! And I am sure Elmo still loves you. Dogs are seriously in tune to people’s emotions, so I am sure he sort of understands what’s going on. Keep your head up and stay strong! You can do this!
I was sick all day yesterday and he kept checking on me, you’re definitely right! It was funny, actually. My mom said while I was throwing up he was looking at her then looking at me like, “What’s wrong with her!?” Haha.
you should talk to your doctor about the other knee because the last thing you want to do is ignore the problem. I think pushing yourself with food is going to really help, I promise.
Me too. And I will definitely mention it at my follow-up if things don’t go away by the appt!
It is so normal to feel like you are overcompensating with your other knee. Honestly I think the more rest the better. I don’t know…maybe lay with your legs vertical to get fluids up there? (like after a longer run). Boy can I relate to Oxycodone. I had an allergic reaction to that last year which caused me to pass out in a locker room for 3 hours with no one knowing I was there.
But on a positive note-I’m glad you got this done and I know it is just better things to come!
OMG! You passed out for 3 hours before someone found you?! Honestly, it’s making me have really bad heart pain/heart burn. I’m not liking it. Plus, it constipates you and my stomach hurts. Sorry for TMI but it’s extremely uncomfortable. It’s not helping me sleep either. The only thing it probably is doing is making me more chipper than I would be without it lol. I just hope I’m thinking about my left knee too much and nothing is wrong.
UGH I hate pain pills!! I can’t take them..they make me so queasy. This sucks that you are struggling mentally, I wish I could come play with Elmo and brush your hair. That sounded so creepy..just go with it.
HAHAHA. I just died.. I know what you mean about the hair brushing, my mom did that when I was younger. no worries 😉 Even if you meant it creepy, I won’t take it that way LOL and yeah, I just got sick yesterday. NOT FUN.
Sending big hugs your way, love ❤ I struggle with anxiety big time, so I can definitely relate to worrying about every little thing, but try to keep in mind that 99% of the things you worry about never actually end up being true. And don't beat yourself up about what you did in the past. We've all made bad choices. We've all made mistakes. Nothing you can do to go back and change that now. You CAN make sure to take care of yourself now though, and do whatever you can to help the healing process. So don't let past guilt keep you from not eating. Your body needs food to heal, and ensuring it gets what it needs is going to help more than you can imagine.
Anxiety and the past seem to get the best of me A LOT. It’s probably one of the only things I struggle with and it’s the WORST thing to struggle with… It’s the one “lingering” thing which seems to not go away so easily. It’s almost like I feel like my life/body are damned. It sounds ridiculous but I told my mom today, “It’s almost like I screwed up and I’m not getting a second chance to be healthy because right when I think it’s over, something else comes along.” Then, I proceeded to spill hot coffee on my hand and my mom said, “You can’t win”. Worst luck ever. Haha
oh my spectaculaur friend! my heart breaks for you! <333 you know that i can relate to anxiety. sometimes it can just feel so crippling like it's literally squeezing the air out of you. remember that you cannot change the past, and future tripping will only make you feel worse. try taking deep breaths. seriously, stopping and just breathing deeply will be a great first step. because you will be using your mind to focus on doing that and it will relieve some anxiety and put you in a place where you can start seeing reality and calm yourself down. i'm thinking of you. please email me if you EVER need to talk!
Thanks Cait! Yeah, my anxiety hit an all time high this summer and it hasn’t gone away. I had my first panic attack and ever since then it’s full force. Now, I actually just try laying down and closing my eyes to take a few minutes to just relax. It does seem to help until the next thing comes along haha, but I’m working on it. Everything is a work in progress, I guess. You have such a positive/good attitude so I definitely will e-mail you if I ever need to talk! 🙂
I’m an anxiety queen, so I feel those anxious pains!
Try to keep that positive mood up, think about all the things you’re blessed with right now, and that most of the things you’re worried about are false!
I know it’s hard but don’t let the guilt overcome you, because you are more powerful than the guilt.
Your in my thoughts right now!!!
Thank you! Yeah, I live in the past A LOT because I feel like the mistakes I’ve made the past few years are all catching up to me now. I’m so upset with myself so it turns into a spiral of emotions. Anxiety is the WORST part of it all.
Hey girl, I found your blog and have been reading for a few days now – thought I’d say hi 🙂
I used to get very anxious as well, and I always freaked out and spilled all my frustrations out to my mom. Sometimes I wonder how she handled it too. Granted I still have anxiety sometimes, things are getting better, and I’m sure things will get better for you as well. The further you go in recovery the more things resolve. And about 99% of the horrible thoughts you have never even happen. And the last 1%? Well, you actually become GLAD that they happened.
Lots of love and prayers for you from this side hun. You’re not alone and many of us have gone through what you are going through!
Thanks for saying hi! I definitely feel so bad for my mother. We get in full-blown arguments because of my anxiety and the fact she says/knows most likely nothing is wrong. The amount of anxiety I’ve developed over the years (especially since my surgeries) has gone through the roof. I really, really need to learn to step back and just let things happen though. Thanks for the prayers/love 🙂
I feel so bad that you are dealing with all of this anxiety. My heart really goes out to you. Have you told your Dr. your concerns about your left knee? I would definitely ask him about it and see what he says. Are you going to be doing some kind of physical therapy soon? Hopefully that will help your knee heal even further.
As for the eating, I can imagine how hard that must be. But remember that food is fuel and your body needs fuel in order to heal itself. It’s easy to beat yourself up for past mistakes, but please don’t blame yourself. You did not ask for an eating disorder and it is NOT your fault. All that matters is that you are moving forward now.
Elmo does NOT hate you, I can assure you that. He knows that you are his mama and he will love you no matter what!
Hang in there, girl. Things will get better, I promise!
Thanks, lady! I will probably mention it to my Dr. when I go for my follow-up. I’m hoping it’s just from my knee compensating for half of my body being handi-capped right now. Fingers crossed. It’s hard not to live with guilt because I feel as though I’m paying for everything I’ve done to my body the past few years. Sometimes things are irreversible and I just hope it isn’t the case! Elmo is a little mad I’m not playing with him as much but he laid by my side yesterday when I was sick, so I guess he doesn’t hate me too much 😉
I know your not feeling like YOU right now, and that’s understandable, but just know that you got the surgery for a good reason. You may be suffering right now, but it’s only temporary girl. Things will start looking up for you. Also, I do think it would be a good idea to at least mention your left knee pain to your doctor.
I definitely will on my follow-up appointment. I just hope it’s from compensating for my other knee. eek. I’m just trying to breathe and ignore it for now.
Aww I am just so sorry you are feeling this way right now Laura, on top of everything! I am going to echo what other people are saying here and would bring up your concerns with the other knee to your doctor, you don’t want something ELSE to hinder you! The eating thing… gosh I get that one, not in your situation of course, but generally I understand where your mind is going here. Just do your best to remember that food is just so important right now and allows you to HEAL even faster! Without the right nutrients, proper intake and all of that, you will be side-lined even longer… don’t want that for your lovely self! Keep your head up lady xoox
Yes, the thoughts are just lingering and I know I need extra protein especially now for my knee. The right nutrients are so important but I just hate the fact I get so upset I just stop eating. It’s almost like I give up, it’s SO frustrating. I’m definitely making myself eat, though, because I know it’s the right decision and something I cannot toy with at the moment. Gotta just keep pushin’ on!