**Before I get into my rant/woe-is-me moment, I would like to remind you to enter my GIVEAWAY since you’ll probably not want to read this post and who doesn’t like free stuff?**
Okay, so this post is going to be a bunch of words, grammatical mistakes, and run-on sentences because I’m most likely not going to read over it. I’m just typing away because, like I said in my last post, I have been bottling up so much the past few days. Last night my cheeks turned pink… This is when I know I’m freaking out on the inside but keeping all the anger inside. It actually starts showing on my face.
So, I had my appointment last Tuesday with my surgeon who seemed pretty pleased at what he saw with my right knee. He told me to start going to the gym to do some elliptical, walking on the treadmill, cycling, or swimming. But here is the thing… My left knee keeps getting this pinch-y feeling and I’m concerned of doing things to rehab my right knee in fear of fucking up my left knee. Since I diagnose myself via Google, I’m really scared I have problems with my plica which is something I had a problem with in my right knee.
I brought my concerns up to my surgeon who looked over my left knee and said it had no fluid buildup and no swelling. He really didn’t seem too concerned but I have a history of things hurting and things going terribly, terribly wrong. What if this all happens again with my left knee? I seem to live in the past but I don’t want to make the same mistake twice. Also, he stated the pain may be “in my head”, joked about being a hypochondriac, and said most athletes worry themselves when things are minor…
See, this would be a chuckle but the worst day of my life was the day a doctor told me the pain was “in my head”. I saw a sports medicine doctor as soon as I graduated from college and moved home. After weeks of physical therapy, the doctor finally diagnosed me with making up or exaggerating my own pain. I will never forget this day. I came home and immediately balled me eyes out on the coach, had my parents scream at me for stop making up my pain because “that’s what the doctor said”, and had a panic attack to the point my lips turned blue and I couldn’t speak words. IT WAS HORRIBLE. It is quite possibly the worst feeling to try and beg people to believe you are in pain just for them to keep saying, “No you aren’t”. I was panicking and it was the moment I said to my mother, “You are the only one who knows your own body” which changed everything. Turns out the pain was not in my head – Thanks, Doc – and I ended up having one of the worst stress fractures my surgeon has seen in a knee.
So, I may be focusing on the pain more than I should but I definitely know I’m not “making it up”. It makes me cringe to think about this happening again. I’m just a mess. I spend my entire day wondering why I bother to get out of bed in the morning because I’m just waiting for something else to go wrong. In my opinion, I did find the best surgeon in my area but my body just does not want to heal this damn knee. Needless to say, yesterday I tried walking on my treadmill and now my knee feels like shit. I’ve been icing like crazy but once my knee blows up, there’s no going down… It just likes to get bigger not smaller.
I just really need a miracle, but miracles never seem to happen in these parts.
Debbie Downer signing off.