And here it comes…

**Before I get into my rant/woe-is-me moment, I would like to remind you to enter my GIVEAWAY since you’ll probably not want to read this post and who doesn’t like free stuff?**

Okay, so this post is going to be a bunch of words, grammatical mistakes, and run-on sentences because I’m most likely not going to read over it. I’m just typing away because, like I said in my last post, I have been bottling up so much the past few days. Last night my cheeks turned pink… This is when I know I’m freaking out on the inside but keeping all the anger inside. It actually starts showing on my face.

So, I had my appointment last Tuesday with my surgeon who seemed pretty pleased at what he saw with my right knee. He told me to start going to the gym to do some elliptical, walking on the treadmill, cycling, or swimming. But here is the thing… My left knee keeps getting this pinch-y feeling and I’m concerned of doing things to rehab my right knee in fear of fucking up my left knee. Since I diagnose myself via Google, I’m really scared I have problems with my plica which is something I had a problem with in my right knee.

I brought my concerns up to my surgeon who looked over my left knee and said it had no fluid buildup and no swelling. He really didn’t seem too concerned but I have a history of things hurting andΒ things going terribly, terribly wrong. What if this all happens again with my left knee? I seem to live in the past but I don’t want to make the same mistake twice. Also, he stated the pain may be “in my head”, joked about being a hypochondriac, and said most athletes worry themselves when things are minor…

See, this would be a chuckle but the worst day of my life was the day a doctor told me the pain was “in my head”. I saw a sports medicine doctor as soon as I graduated from college and moved home. After weeks of physical therapy, the doctor finally diagnosed me with making up or exaggerating my own pain. I will never forget this day. I came home and immediately balled me eyes out on the coach, had my parents scream at me for stop making up my pain because “that’s what the doctor said”, and had a panic attack to the point my lips turned blue and I couldn’t speak words. IT WAS HORRIBLE. It is quite possibly the worst feeling to try and beg people to believe you are in pain just for them to keep saying, “No you aren’t”. I was panicking and it was the moment I said to my mother, “You are the only one who knows your own body” which changed everything. Turns out the pain was not in my head – Thanks, Doc – and I ended up having one of the worst stress fractures my surgeon has seen in a knee.

So, I may be focusing on the pain more than I should but I definitely know I’m not “making it up”. It makes me cringe to think about this happening again. I’m just a mess. I spend my entire day wondering why I bother to get out of bed in the morning because I’m just waiting for something else to go wrong. In my opinion, I did find the best surgeon in my area but my body just does not want to heal this damn knee. Needless to say, yesterday I tried walking on my treadmill and now my knee feels like shit. I’ve been icing like crazy but once my knee blows up, there’s no going down… It just likes to get bigger not smaller.

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If you’re still reading, I really appreciate you listening to my inner thoughts. I could probably go on for hours back and forth between my worries/struggles with my left and right knee.

I just really need a miracle, but miracles never seem to happen in these parts.

Debbie Downer signing off.

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19 thoughts on “And here it comes…

  1. ok breathe. you are going through a lot, there is no doubt in that. but you have to remember that being honest with yourself and others is all you can do. you need to just keep speaking up about pain and really listen to what your body is telling you. it hurts, don’t do anything I am a firm believer of playing it safe at first, taking more rest time especially with your history. hang in there and you know where to find me!

  2. How dreadful, I am a mom (not your mom though!) and I think you should not stress that left knee. I wouldn’t. Can’t you just do the cycling and swimming (not weight bearing) for now and see how it goes?

  3. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this! I will say, though, that I remember right before and after my knee surgery, my OTHER knee started to hurt. There wasn’t anything wrong with it but I thought there was. Sometimes your body does this “phantom” thing where it just hurts and there’s actually nothing wrong. I believe that you’re not making it up because something in your body is making it hurt but if the doctor says it’s okay, it probably is. Hang in there and you’ll get through it!

  4. Aw, I wish we lived closer! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know it can be super frustrating when it feels like no one is listening.
    You are going through quite a few big things right now, so I think the most important thing is to talk it out. Call your Doctor and calmly explain why you’re feeling this way. I know it can be hard to speak up, but it will make you feel SO much better in the end. Trust me, I’ve had those issues in the past. Even though I get incredibly anxious, I can get past those by being honest. I can totally relate to those panic attacks. I have panic disorder and dang that thing is NOT fun in the slightest. If you are in a lot of pain doing these cross training exercises, it’s probably best to just back off completely and do none of those things. Rest, relax, meditate, watch some good movies. I KNOW this will be really hard to do and get through, but you have support from so many people! You can e-mail me anytime if you’d like or anything. Hang in there girl, you will get through this!

    • You’re right, I really do need to speak up about things and anxiety really is the worst thing in the world. I was never one to worry about anything and now it’s like a full blown panic attack. Oy. I need to learn how to just meditate but I can’t get myself to sit somewhere and just relax. It’s terrible! Plus, I know nothing about meditation so I’d have to go through YouTube or something haha! Thanks so much, lady!

  5. Lauren, I’m so sorry that the sports medicine doctor told you that you were “imagining” your pain! That is seriously horrible, and I’m sure that makes it hard to trust doctors. Luckily, it seems like your surgeon is very good and knowledgable. The best thing you can do is to trust your doctor, and also trust yourself. If you feel there is something wrong, then definititely voice your concerns. But at the same time, realize that worrying over your knee accomplishes nothing. I am a HUGE worrier, and I worry about everything and anything. I know anxiety is something that’s extremely hard to control, but reminding myself that worrying doesn’t help is sometimes enough to snap me out of it. Also, try to stay off the internet. I look up way too many things and have “diagnosed” myself with everything from appendicitis to cancer. Looking up symptoms online tends to make people think they have the worst case scenario.

    Just take it one day at a time and know that there are better days ahead. Your body will heal itself in time. You will be ok! I’m thinking of you!

    • Google is really the worst thing in the world with injuries. I need to stop but I find myself just putting in things and having like 10 different – and always horrible – diagnoses for myself. And you’re right, I find myself waking up at 3 AM and I start worrying about something and I think, “What is worrying about this… NOW… going to change?!” Lol, it’s ridiculous sometimes. Thank you so much!

  6. Oh dear! You poor thing! I feel so bad that you’re going through this…it must feel like that recurring nightmare everyone has…except yours is real life! I think calling the doctor and talking to him again about your concerns and maybe telling him about what happened to you in the past with the doctor not listening to you and having a really bad stress fracture. Maybe then he’ll understand why you’re pushing him to look at it again. Thinking of you!!! XO

  7. Girl, I hate that you’re going through this. You don’t deserve it at all! I hate it when doctors don’t understand… I feel that someone who has never overexercised/had an ED before can never understand.

    Trust yourself hun. You’ll get through this, and you’ll run your next 5k in time – I know it! Sending prayers your way!

    • It is hard to voice something others just do not understand and after years of trying to get people to understand, I have fully accepted they never will… AND I hope they never do because EDs are terrible.

  8. Ugh ugh ughhhh that makes me SO mad that everyone tried to tell you that you were not in pain. What the fuck!?! NO. I think it’s ok for you to be concerned, I would be too!!! Take it easy, but try to do some small moving around maybe? Sending healing vibes your way!

    • Thanks for the healing vibes! And yeah, it was pretty fucked up. He said, “Just go run.” Yeah, nice one big guy… Running with a stress fracture. I’m trying to move around without being conscious of it but that is kinda bringing me in a circle because, really, I’m STILL thinking about it. lol

  9. 😦 I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I hate when people think they know YOUR body. I mean, who would know it better than you? I think you should stick with your gut instinct and do NOT give up until you get answers and help!

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