This post is in regards of my disordered eating issues. I’m going to be blunt about it. It’s something I struggle with a lot and it’s something which I’m fighting like heck to get away from forever.
This surgery has taken a lot of things and turned them completely upside down. Not only has my physical condition changed, but I am mentally and emotionally drained as well. I’m not going to lie when I say every night since November 9, I’ve eaten oatmeal for dinner. I can remember three nights I didn’t eat oatmeal. Did I eat other things throughout the day? Yes, I snack lots but I just would not eat anything else for dinner. Is this normal? No. Is it fucking weird? Yes. Do I know it’s wrong? Yes, but I still do it.
My mom has brought up the fact she believes my health may be the main problem in my recovery and what is going on with my body. I don’t believe it can cause inflammation in my knee but I know what she is getting at with the concern. It breaks my heart to think my body is having issues because I’m too stubborn to just start eating and feeding it. If I know I’m doing things wrong and I want to heal, why can’t I just… start eating more…?
My thought process is completely screwed up. Whenever I eat anything, my initial thought is, “Why did I just fuel a body I don’t want to live in anymore?” Harsh, right? I have way too many suicidal thoughts in one day and it’s hard to control but I try to just breathe it out. But this is what I think after every single meal. At the end of the night, I think, “Great, now I’ll just be heavier with two bad knees. What a great life I live. At least my mom will be happy to have a plumper daughter”.
Uhmm… How did I get here?
Do you know how much frozen yogurt I ate today? Zero. I never went because 1.) I am socially awkward 2.) I was trying to plan out how I would fit frozen yogurt into my meal plan. Planning. Always planning. Everything revolves around a clock and how many calories I should consume in a day. It’s ridiculous and annoying. I am surprised I ate half of my free Rita’s. I’m saving the other half for tomorrow because the stuff is ridiculously sweet but still… I should have just eaten the whole damn thing.
I don’t understand either why my mother says I’m so skinny. I mean, I know I’m thin but I take pictures of myself all the time and I no longer look sickly like I did about a year ago. I mean, maybe it’s the disordered mind but I’m pretty sure I look a lot different. Hrm.
Also, I follow 17 year old girls on Instagram who post pictures of their food and I “like” their pictures. I mean, the shit looks good but still… These girls are 17 years old. First, I want to hug them and tell them to stop before it’s too late in the game to turn back. Second, there are many girls in high school who go through eating phases just because of lack of maturity. And if you’re 17 and reading this, I assure you there are more important things (like your health) than fitting into a prom dress. Third, my current weight was some girl’s lowest weight and she is the same height as me. *throws red flag* And finally, I am 23 years old. It’s time to grow the fuck up. How did I get here?
I’ve really been thinking about how much my weight/health could be affecting my body. Your body uses muscles to get through workouts or every day activities like walking or going up and down the stairs. Well, when you deprive your body of nutrients or supply it with a very small amount of calories it begins to lose fat. When you don’t have anymore fat to lose, it begins to feed on muscle. If you have no muscle to support your joints; well, say goodbye to your joints because they have no support.
Sound familiar, Lauren? How did I get here?
I have been having a rough time with this surgery especially since my other knee is bothering me. I see the red flags. I see them and I know what I’m doing but I don’t turn the other page. I don’t change a damn thing. Any why? Most likely fear. Fear of gaining weight but my body remaining the same… Crippled.
…How did I get here?