It Hurts…

It hurts… To watch everyone have fun and live their lives. You watch those who treat others like a piece of dirt have fun drinking, working, vacationing, etc. Meanwhile, I sit here and wonder what I did to deserve this.

It hurts… To hear about the struggles of other people and think to yourself you’re being selfish, but really, you just want to live your life to the fullest.

It hurts… To watch people get injured and heal very quickly while you have been struggling to heal for almost two years. You have no resources and have no idea where to turn to ask what’s going on. Surgeon says to just keep doing what I’m doing… But something seems to be aggravating it and I don’t have any idea.

It hurts… To try and eat more of a variety when in the back of your mind you’re tired of doing things for people when nothing is being done for you. Every time I leave a doctor’s office I’m in the same condition.

It hurts… To watch my dog want to run around and play but all I can do is sit and throw his toy. 😦 Poor Elmo.

It hurts… To get my knee drained and feel it has fluid in it the next day. Why is my knee doing this? Anyone…? Please?

It hurts… To put on a fake smile and pretend everything is alright when it is not alright. Not at all.

It hurts… To be 23 years old and feel like the rest of my life is going to be spent on the couch.

It hurts… To have the mindset of “I’m going to beat this!” Then, wake up the next day and things feel worse. You realize you have no idea where to turn or where to start… It’s like a big puzzle.

It hurts… To realize no one is around to care but me.

It hurts… To have plica syndrome.

It hurts… To live.

It hurts… To feel like I did something to deserve all of this but cannot think of what I could have done.

It’s been a bad couple of days… WeeksMonthsYEARS. Ugh, okay I’m done.
If anyone knows any plica experts, let me know.
Little Miss Debbie Downer is out for now!

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19 thoughts on “It Hurts…

  1. It’s okay that you’ve had a few tough weeks. We all go through rough moments. Heck, I’m going through some myself right now too. Just remember all the positive in your live, and I’m sure there are manyyyy people who care for you. Myself included!
    You’ll get past this journey. I know it’s hard to believe, but you will.
    Thinking of you lots right now!

  2. Hang in there girl. I know you’re having a rough time right now. You just have to keep your head up and believe that things will get better. You are working hard and eventually it will pay off. You will not be the person on the couch for the rest of your life if you listen to the doctors, eat well, and try not to get too down on yourself even when it feels impossible. Stay strong!

    • I’m trying to realize this isn’t the rest of my life but I always contemplate whether I’m one of those “horror” stories you read about online/magazines/etc. It freaks me out and that’s when things really go sour. I’m so scared it’s just not going to go away.

  3. I can’t even imagine how you feel. One of the hardest things for me is to watch people train so poorly and never get injured (I’m not saying but any means I want anyone to get injured) I’m just saying that it stinks that so many people have poor methods of training and can get away with it.

    • That’s EXACTLY how I feel right now. Honestly, there are so many people I want to just be like, “Stop what you’re doing because this is what happened to me…” but it just seems they can just keep going and going and going. Then, I get mad because I feel like I was never given a “second” chance to just… Be fit and smart. I look at those people and just shake my head sometimes because they don’t know how good they have it. Then, they’ll make social media updates about how much they hate their mom’s cooking or boyfriend’s new haircut. Please, just stop.

  4. I just wanna give you a huge hug right now, girl. We all go through our rough patches, and I know how hopeless some situations can feel, but they DO pass and get replaced by better days. That being said, can you really say that you’ve been doing whatever it takes to help your body heal? You mentioned before that you know you’re not eating properly but you’re not willing to change anything. That might be the reason that you’re not seeing the results you want… so if you want to stop hurting, you might have to start putting up a little bit more of a fight. Be strong, girlie. It’s not worth it to to hurt while everyone else is living their life ❀

    • Another valid point, Amanda. And, surprisingly, I’ve had this conversation with myself – as if that doesn’t sound weird – and I’ve been trying to pull my eating together bit by bit. I’ve been eating a lot different since I last posted about my weird oatmeal for dinner obsession. Baby steps added up lead to big steps and I just have to keep pushing on. It’s so hard to be strong when you don’t see results. Immediately, I want to blame it on the fact I’m eating… I guess it’s almost like a punishment for myself. It’s a weird mindset, but that’s why it’s a mental disorder. ❀ Thanks for the hug πŸ™‚

  5. Wow I have never heard of this and I am so sorry that you feel as though you have done something to deserve it. I will keep you in my thoughts and hopefully the next few weeks are brighter.

  6. Rough days, weeks, months, YEARS suck big donkey balls!! You gotta keep channeling those positive thoughts (before you throw a shoe at me trust me I know, EASIER said than done!) The negative thoughts just pull you down deeper, and make the days LONGGGERRR! I’ve been there too, and have had to literally FORCE myself to think positive even if just for a moment.

    Keep doing whatever exercises you are authorized to do. Walk as much as you’re able to, keep throwing that ball outside..Elmo doesn’t care if you’re sitting, laying, running, hopping, he’s just glad to be with you!! Love you girl, keep your head up because you did NOTHING to deserve this time in your life, and it WILL make you stronger in the end.

    • I know the negative thoughts make things 10 times worse but it gets to the point I can’t even FORCE myself to be positive. I’m trying the count 5 breathing technique right now. It works sometimes. Elmo is mad I don’t play with him a lot, I can see it in his big brown eyes. lol Thanks for the love, girl, right back atcha!

  7. I know you are having a tough time right now, and have every right to feel despair about your situation… I actually feel similar more often than I care to admit. I am of course not experiencing the same things you are, but as far as your feelings that are coming from such issues in your life… yeah I get that. I feel bad for myself often, and get mad when I think about all that I have missed out on because of all of THIS. I have the every chance of every minute to change things, but gosh-darn is it hard

    I am not trying to make this about me btw, but I do understand Laura and my advise is to keep your head up as much as possible. Realize that things will get better in time, and actually can only improve from here… if you ask me πŸ™‚ Do what you can now as far as exercise goes… walking and such, and then your body will continue to thank you as it slowly but surely gets better. Your mind will not be far behind.

  8. Sometimes life is ROUGH and, in the moment, it feels as though it’s impossible to find a way out. But you will. Keep on keeping on, girl. You’re stronger than you think!

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