Where’s my fairy Godmother?

I’m happy to hear most of you put your pets through the same torture! It doesn’t make me feel so bad about buying Elmo bunny ears. I know my blog posts pretty much sum up my bipolar ways – Hello, mood swings – But things are kind of rough around these parts. I have an appointment tomorrow with my surgeon and it’s just upsetting to know I always leave his office in the same state every time. I come home to realize nothing has changed and I’ll wake up tomorrow frustrated with no answers. So, here’s some late night wishes on this Wednesday.

I wish I had all the answers, but doesn’t everyone? It would be so easy to go through life if you knew it was worth it in the end.

I wish I could go back and do it all over again. This time I would choose running but running smart, healthy, and taking care of my body the entire ride… Err, run.

I wish I could ask the right questions to get a better understanding of where I stand in my physical state. If something made a spark in my doctor’s mind it would… Well, be a miracle.

I wish I believed in miracles but – in my opinion – they are only but a dream.

I wish I was not 23 years old, unemployed – except for some tutoring, alone, and living with my parents. All of these things lead me into a deeper isolation and depression than my disordered eating.

I wish people would understand the difference between disordered eating and eating disorders. Also, those who simply imply you have all of them at once. For example, if someone contacts you and immediately says, “I used to throw up after meals, too”. Uhm, no I didn’t do this… Everyone is different and I hate the stereotype of everything being a book. It’s not a set in stone thing.

I wish I had a better relationship with my parents. As of 10 minutes ago, my dad slammed his wallet down and went upstairs to bed because – well – I am being a bit of a spoiled brat but a not so spoiled brat. After talking with my mom, she pretty much has a 10 PM bedtime so I have some time to myself. No Elmo. No mom. No dad. Just me. This is my only time to really relax during the day. I don’t have to chase Elmo around (although I don’t mind because I love him) and I don’t have to worry about my knee. When they don’t go to bed at 10, I get extremely anxious. I don’t blame them. I hate me, too.

I wish I could remember what it felt like to just eat and drink without having second thoughts about anything. To drink a glass of water without it being a count of the 64 I’m supposed to get a day. Ugh.

I wish I could heal my knee myself. I can’t get passed it and it’s just… not going away. The more days I watch slip by me, the more I realize I don’t care if I see tomorrow. Yeah, it’s like this… Every day.

I wish I could hold it all together but after fake smiling all day and pretending things are getting better. They’re not… and I crack.

I wish my wishes would come true.

What do you wish?

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30 thoughts on “Where’s my fairy Godmother?

  1. If you lived anywhere near me I would invite you to hang out with my friends. Move to Houston. 🙂 You would fit in perfectly. We’re all mostly 23 and alone too. 😛

    I wish I was able to help you heal your knee and make you truly smile. Keep trucking girlie. Things will look up. Sometimes it just takes longer. If you ever need anyone I’m always here. Sending you virtual hugs and kisses!

  2. I wish I could help you, girl. You’re going through a tough time right now and it’s so hard for parents to understand. They want to help but they just don’t know how. I know they don’t hate you- they’re probably just not sure what to do anymore. Please try to hang in there and know that you can vent anytime you need. Xoxo

    • Yeah, it’s to the point we ALL don’t know what to do in terms with my knee. It’s annoying because a big part of my disordered eating is situational induced. Things really hit the fan when this all started and it’s like I’m stuck.

  3. I wish I could give you a huge hug and have you believe me when I say that everything is going to be okay. We all fall into those deep, dark holes that make it seem like we’ll never get out and see the light, but they WILL pass, things WILL get better, and you WILL be happy again. Hang in there, hun… and if you ever need an ear, don’t hesitate to shoot me an e-mail ❤

    • Thanks, as always! ❤ It just seems this thing is lingering and not wanting to heal itself. It's frustrating, too, because I'm trying all different things and ultimately it just gets confusing.

  4. I wish I was with you love! People think EDs are a choice, some sort of ‘thing to do’ when you feel like. I hate it. I hate the stereotypes. But people are gonna talk, and we can’t do anything about that. You will emerge from this a stronger, happier, and more beautiful lady- I know it! Email me anytime Hun, I’d love to get to know you!

  5. Thinking of you! My best friend, the one with cystic fibrosis, and you sound really alike right now. (and i hate to make this horrible comparison) He left school our sophomore year for medical reasons and hasn’t gotten better since. He is currently in the hospital and so depressed because all of his friends (including me, which makes me feel guilty) are getting married, holding jobs, having kids, etc. It’s so stressful just to watch it as a friend, and I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you. I just wish I had the answers to solve everything. Get some glass slippers, and I’ll do my best to fill that fairy godmother role. (Seriously, if I could, I totally would.)

    • You’re so sweet, thanks. And yeah, it’s just every day I have to listen and see what everyone is doing, exploring, obtaining, etc. It’s just sooo depressing to see people succeed and create a future when I’m.. Well, stuck. :-/

  6. Girl I am sorry you have to o through all this. I am sending prayer, love, and hope your way. I wish I did not have disordered eating to. I can not even imagine what normal eating is like anymore. I wish I was happy at college and had friends…I am a freshmen at CU Boulder and I don’t have one person that I can actually call a good friend. I think my eating habits have had a big effect on this. I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life and what to do next year….I am not sure if college is the right place for me. We all have wishes and hopes and I hope that you get to a happy place as well as myself. Sometimes I wonder why bad things happen to good people are it just does not make sense. Thanks fro writing this post. I love all of your post. Stay strong I am here for you. =]

    • Believe me when I say, if you are a freshman in college make the change NOW. I look back on my college years and wish so much I could have changed my freshman year. Actually, towards the end of the year I did make a change and it ended up being the best semester of my entire college career. Believe me, use college to your advantage. Go out, have fun, and get out there!

  7. I hated a lot of things about my life for awhile while living at home with my parents (my relationship with them sounds a lot like yours). It absolutely gets better though. I mean, life is full of ups and downs, and I’ve had quite a few downs since that time. But I have had so so many ups, and overall, I’m happy with my life. I still have a lot of wishes, but I just wanted to let you know it will get better for you. It might take awhile, but I promise it will. The fact that you can even acknowledge that you’re not happy – I think that’s a huge step in the right direction. Now you just have to figure out what WILL make you happy. Easier said than done, but it IS doable.

    Such an honest post.. major props for putting it all out there. Sending thoughts and hugs your way!

    • I’m trying to find out how to make huge steps without two functioning legs. I know I need to make steps but, you’re right, I’m just stuck figuring out what to do. I hope I get to a point where I can get around without pain. I think a lot of things would change if this happens; however, I guess I have to plan for both scenarios. Thanks ❤

  8. Your posts are always so overwealming to me because they are so honest and raw. I am sorry about your relationship with your parents, but can understand…for a few years I had an extremely rocky one with my parents but we have since really gotten better.

    You deserve to heal and not worry about your knee ever again. Seriously.

    • I’ve had rockier times with my parents but it’s my dad who seems to break my heart a lot. I was always daddy’s little girl but he despises me now compared to how it used to be. He treats me differently even when my mom isn’t around because he knows she’ll stick up for me. It’s a mess. Surprisingly, I’m super close with my mom. It’s good and bad at the same time because I tell her everything that’s on my mind. When I was younger, she knew nothing. Thanks, Hollie. ❤

  9. I have been reading your blog for awhile and would like to finally make a comment. What struck me the most about this post is how you implied that your parents hate you and said “I hate me, too.” For the past year I have been struggling with a lot of negativity and anxiety. I have thought the exact same thing, so I completely understand where you are coming from. However, I do NOT think that your parents hate you. It’s not you that they are upset with/may get frustrated with, it’s what you are doing to yourself (not to say it is on purpose because I know you do not want this) that is frustrating them. That is a very important distinction. Honestly, I also feel like I hate myself at times. But it is important to remind yourself that where you are at mentally is only a reflection of how you feel right now, that does not mean that how you feel right now mentally = you (and how you will always be/have ever been). I also just wanted to say that it is completely legitimate for you to be angry, upset, and have any other negative emotions about your situation. Being positive is not about pretending problems don’t exist and being a Pollyanna. It’s about accepting the negative, but also acknowledging the positive and try to balance them out so that positivity comes out on top. Sorry for the novel! I hope your appointment goes well.

  10. Ditto. In all honestly I’m not even sure what to say other than you are in my best thoughts and I believe that you will get through this and are strong. Strong is even an understatement, very strong. You’ve got this. xo

  11. I hear you on the 23..ERR 24 for me..living at home unemployed. I feel like I am stuck in a whirlwind. I know I can go get a job, but I just don’t. I feel like I am holding out for something, but I’m not sure what!

    I find that living at home still allows for those tense moments with parents. I get into arguments with my mom all the time, and then later feel bad. I am hopeful that once I move out the tension will be gone.

    • Yeah, my parents and I fight and ultimately, I’m the one left either crying up in my room (Oh, hey 15 year old self) or miserable/sad. I don’t even have nearly enough money to make two months rent in an apartment so things aren’t looking good for me. I feel extremely stuck… It is a whirlwind effect. You kinda wanna go somewhere but you have no where to go. Boo.

  12. You’ve got some tough things on your plate right now, girllie! I’m sorry that life is throwing blows at you. Persevere!! Things will get better!

    “23 and alone….” story of my life! I guess the first few post-college years feel like that for most people. If you’re ever in Chicago, let me know! We can hang out!!

  13. Goodness Laura I so wish there was something I could do to help you out… I know I say this all of the time, but I DO understand, to an extent at least. Just know you are not alone, that is not the end all and be all solution, but it’s nice to know I think 🙂
    Never ever give up, keep your pretty head up please and keep on going!

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