I’m happy to hear most of you put your pets through the same torture! It doesn’t make me feel so bad about buying Elmo bunny ears. I know my blog posts pretty much sum up my bipolar ways – Hello, mood swings – But things are kind of rough around these parts. I have an appointment tomorrow with my surgeon and it’s just upsetting to know I always leave his office in the same state every time. I come home to realize nothing has changed and I’ll wake up tomorrow frustrated with no answers. So, here’s some late night wishes on this Wednesday.
I wish I had all the answers, but doesn’t everyone? It would be so easy to go through life if you knew it was worth it in the end.
I wish I could go back and do it all over again. This time I would choose running but running smart, healthy, and taking care of my body the entire ride… Err, run.
I wish I could ask the right questions to get a better understanding of where I stand in my physical state. If something made a spark in my doctor’s mind it would… Well, be a miracle.
I wish I believed in miracles but – in my opinion – they are only but a dream.
I wish I was not 23 years old, unemployed – except for some tutoring, alone, and living with my parents. All of these things lead me into a deeper isolation and depression than my disordered eating.
I wish people would understand the difference between disordered eating and eating disorders. Also, those who simply imply you have all of them at once. For example, if someone contacts you and immediately says, “I used to throw up after meals, too”. Uhm, no I didn’t do this… Everyone is different and I hate the stereotype of everything being a book. It’s not a set in stone thing.
I wish I had a better relationship with my parents. As of 10 minutes ago, my dad slammed his wallet down and went upstairs to bed because – well – I am being a bit of a spoiled brat but a not so spoiled brat. After talking with my mom, she pretty much has a 10 PM bedtime so I have some time to myself. No Elmo. No mom. No dad. Just me. This is my only time to really relax during the day. I don’t have to chase Elmo around (although I don’t mind because I love him) and I don’t have to worry about my knee. When they don’t go to bed at 10, I get extremely anxious. I don’t blame them. I hate me, too.
I wish I could remember what it felt like to just eat and drink without having second thoughts about anything. To drink a glass of water without it being a count of the 64 I’m supposed to get a day. Ugh.
I wish I could heal my knee myself. I can’t get passed it and it’s just… not going away. The more days I watch slip by me, the more I realize I don’t care if I see tomorrow. Yeah, it’s like this… Every day.
I wish I could hold it all together but after fake smiling all day and pretending things are getting better. They’re not… and I crack.
I wish my wishes would come true.
What do you wish?