Take #5…

Yesterday was a very emotional day.

I woke up bright and early to head to the hospital for some blood work and a liver ultrasound. I know, I know… What?! Well, back when I had tests – for everything under the sun – the only thing which came back abnormal were my liver functions. Every doctor I’ve been to believes it’s due to taking NSAIDS for two years straight, but I decided to go ahead and rule out anything terrible.

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My day was full of emotions. I’m sure everyone can understand the chills and overwhelming feelings after seeing everyone’s posts, pictures, etc. It was just a big rush of emotions for so early in the morning. I had to take a step back. Although I wore my Broad Street shirt with pride, you cannot take away the pain, suffering, and pure shock of any tragedy.

On Saturday, I had a terrible knee effusion which just got worse over the weekend. I tried to ignore it but I just couldn’t anymore so an immediate appointment was scheduled at 10 AM. As soon as I arrived, my surgeon looked very concerned and said something had to be done. After taking X-rays, he determined my body is rejecting the Calcium Phosphate put into my bone and he has to go in to remove it and insert a bone graph in its place. You read it right, here comes surgery number 5.

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He ordered some blood work and an emergency MRI so I can come back on Thursday to get things finalized, but as of right now… Here comes another one. Obviously, you could read my pain on my face and immediately the nurses set up my MRI for the next hour and gave me jelly beans to calm my nerves. Normally, I would never take candy or say, “No”, but strangely I didn’t care at this moment. My immediate thought was, “Yes, I do want jelly beans”. So, for the first time in I don’t know how long, I listened to myself. And they tasted damn good and helped fight away my tears. This little gem helped, too.

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After saying goodbye to the best nursing staff in the world, I headed over to get some blood work and my MRI. The MRI building had a Keurig machine in the waiting room. I already knew I was in good hands. 😉

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And since I was absolutely starving, I decided to eat this in my car. Dark chocolate + Hot Car = Lauren licking the packaging/fingers/palm/face because chocolate was everywhere. At least it was good!

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My emotions are just… I don’t know. It hasn’t sunk in yet. Part of me feels I don’t deserve to be upset because of what happened in Boston, honestly. I mean, how can I even complain? 😦 Ugh. I just feel horrible for the families and those who lost limbs. I really feel bad even writing this post now.

What’s your favorite Kind bar?
The dark chocolate + sea salt definitely just went into my top favorites!

Did you ever leave chocolate in your car, try to eat it, and discover it was a HORRIBLE idea?!
I got chocolate EVERYWHERE.

Does anyone else feel absolutely full of emotions?
I feel like I’m choking when I start thinking about it.

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42 thoughts on “Take #5…

  1. Oh my gosh, I am so sorry to hear this, Lauren. This is just not fair that you’ve had to go through so much, and my heart truly aches for you. Please try not to feel bad or guilty for being upset. You have every right to be hurting right now. Please know that it is 100% okay to allow yourself to feel this way, regardless of other things going on in this world.

    I know I’ve said it before, but I will say it again; I truly admire you for your strength and spirit throughout this whole ordeal. You are going through something incredibly tough, yet you are making it through and doing your best to remain positive. Try to take it one day at a time and know that everything is going to turn out okay. You are in my thoughts and prayers ❤

  2. Yesterday was also difficult for me. It probably didn’t help that I spent the day listening to the news and reading sad stories…

    I’m sorry you have to get another surgery, but at least you have some more information about why it’s been bothering you! 5th time’s the charm?? My fingers are crossed that it is!

  3. You can’t let other people’s pain affect your pain. What happened in Boston was absolutely horrible and tragic, but that doesn’t mean that you should discredit or minimize the pain that YOU are going through. These things can’t be compared. You could technically do this with anything if you wanted to. “I don’t deserve to feel sad because there are people starving in Africa”. It’s not fair to YOU. Every person’s pain is individualized and different. You can feel for those people in Boston and still have feelings of frustration and sadness for yourself.

    With that being said, I am terribly sorry to hear that you’re going to need to undergo another surgery. But if your body is rejecting something, perhaps THAT is why the inflammation hasn’t been decreasing? I’m staying hopeful for you!

    • It’s true but I just feel bad complaining when those who lost loved ones are truly hurting.
      It’s definitely the reason my knee has stayed mad for so long. Thank you so much! I need as much hope (and coffee 😉 ) as I can get!

  4. Here is what I will say…yes everything that has happened this week is tragic BUT I have been telling a lot of people what I am about to tell you. YOU MATTER, WHAT YOU DO AND YOU FEEL MATTERS. we can’t let what happened diminish what we are going through. The people who finished that race need to post their times and be proud and share their story, they earned it. The same holds true for you, yes things happened this week but that doesn’t take away from what you are going through. i am so sorry you have to have another surgery, and I wish I could help. Bad things happen but if we put all of our focus on that and let everything else go, we are letting the monster who did this win.

    • This is a totally different way of looking at things. You’re very right. If we let the grief control our lives, we are letting the monsters win. Thank you for pointing it out, because that is really true.

  5. Oh hun I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going to need another surgery 😦 Sending you huge hugs for sure. And please don’t ever beat yourself up over feeling bad about your knee. What happened in Boston was definitely horrible, but that doesn’t make your own pain any less real. You matter just as much as anyone else does, and you don’t deserve to suffer. Hang in there, love… And if you ever need anyone to talk/vent to, never hesitate to shoot me an e-mail.

    PS – the jelly bean bit totally made me smile. Love you, lady ❤

  6. So sorry to hear this Lauren. It really breaks my heart about the next surgery.

    Yes, there are lots of horrible things going on in the world, but do not feel guilty for how you feel. Don’t worry about “deserving to feel” your emotions- regardless, that’s how you *are* feeling right now. You do matter and it is really hard, you’ve been through so much medically in the past year and it’s tough. Sometimes you just need some jelly beans, or a keurig coffee, or something. It does seem like you have a good medical team taking care of you, at least.

    I hope things get better soon.

  7. Awe, sweetie. I’m so sorry to hear the news. And you may not think you deserve to feel upset, but you do. If you feel sad, allow yourself to feel upset. No one else can control how you feel, so just let the sadness run its course.
    I hope the liver problems aren’t anything too concerning as well, you’re in my thoughts and prayers lovely!
    Hopefully this surgery will help things move along.
    I’m always here by e-mail if you need to chat!
    xox

  8. Hi Lauren~! Wow, you are such a strong young woman and it’s alright to feel negative feelings and have your moments because that is life! It’s just what you do with those emotions that makes the difference. I hope God blesses you with success in all these hard areas and hope you heal very quickly.
    ps: Kind Bars are some of my favorites!!!!!! Also love Pure Bars, Clif Mojos.

  9. Agh. I feel awful that you are going to have to go through another surgery. Maybe this will be it and you will truly be on the way to healing. My heart just aches for you, girl. You are so strong though, I know you will get through this.

  10. Girl DO NOT beat yourself up for being upset about this. What happened in Boston was awful, okay, but this is what’s happening to YOUR BODY – the one you are living in – and that’s traumatic. You deserve every bit of your upsetness, so own it. I honestly am not going to pretend to know what you are going through….this just sounds like a nightmare. But I’m reading this post and – though you might not realize or recognize it – you are looking on the bright side. The jelly beans, the good nursing staff, the keurig…..you found the little things, however little, that brightened the day for you. And I think, though you need this surgery – it COULD be a solution. I’m not going to pretend that I know about this, but it’s one more chance at healing. I’m definitely praying for you! And I really hope we can meet up sometime when I get home!

    • I do believe I’m in good hands and I believe it’s a huge positive in this whole situation. He hasn’t given up on me yet which is something I really appreciate from a doctor. It’s been a long process and this could be a solution, you’re right, so I’m just sticking with that thought! And girlllllll, we can meet up MANY times when you’re home I hope!

  11. Gahhhhh. I totally think you had a right to feel the way you do, even with everything in Boston. I wish I went to school and became some perfectionist doctor to fix you up and get you back out there. Also, John Green is amazing and that book is going to be a movie soon 🙂

  12. I am so sorry about everything girl! You have a right to deserve how you feel! Its awesome that you found little things to help you make it through your day. Little thoughts of positiveness go a long way. I love the peanut butter dark chocolate Kind bar!! Stay strong…I am sending love and hope.

  13. I hate to hear you need another surgery. I’m glad you at least got along with the nursing staff as I can only imagine how terrible that would granted you were upset and didn’t. I am still in shock about your knee and I know you will make it through this.

    • If you’re in shock, imagine my reaction haha. The one nurse said, “You just look like you’re in a state of shock” because my whole face went from white to bright red because I was about to blow up with tears. UGH, it was terrible. I hate being that person, too.

  14. I totally get you not feeling deserving of these emotions, but life does go on for those of us not involved in the bombings. Of course its awful and we should always keep the victims in our prayers, but we’ve all got daily lives we have to live, and yours is just kinda all over the place right now!! Sorry to hear all about this girl. BUT, I know you can prevail!! You just have to keep your head and fight on. We are here to support you all the way!

  15. Hi, You are tough. You can conquer that surgery.
    liver…hmm…I have very high liver enzymes…they say weight gain is supposed to help with that…I’m struggling with low weight, “binging” and absolute burnout (i.e. I am unable to exercise). Kind of lost and down and out. Needing needing to be positive. If you are open to chat, email me 🙂

    In meantime, John Green..I really enjoyed Looking for Alaska and An Abundance of Katherines even more than The Fault In Our Stars. Especially Looking for Alaska.

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