So, I went to my appointment on Thursday. Let’s just jump into this saying I left in tears. Yeah, it’s that kind of an appointment. What else is new, right?
There is a pattern with the way things go for me and I just don’t understand it. It starts with me getting some kind of surgery and about two weeks into the recovery, I notice things just aren’t getting better and things aren’t going in the right direction. There’s just something off.
Well, at my appointment on Thursday my surgeon indeed clarified my belief things were not where they should be at this point in time. My knee is still significantly swollen and it doesn’t seem to be going down. When I bend my knee, you can feel the fluid moving around but after three different attempts to getting the fluid out… It came out dry. Nothing. My surgeon looked as pained as I did because he is trying so hard to make things better. Evidentally, the fluid after surgery can become encapsulated and it just so happens he can’t quite get the little bubble going around in my knee.
In positive news, I don’t have bone cancer or anything of the sort.
In negative news, I feel like there is no one who can help me. I came home completely numb. It’s such a scary feeling to think this may be irreversible. There are some conditions out there where no one knows what’s going on. And what if I’m the one?
It just seems as though it’s just not worth it. I’m talking about life. All of it. I get up every day in the same situation (or worse) as the day before and it’s just too much to take sometimes. I mean, really, the way my life is going… I don’t look forward to a day, month, or year from now. It has been a full year since I came home from college and all I can remember doing is waiting, sitting, crying, and trying to recover from multiple surgeries.
It’s really all too much. It’s so hard to live and WANT to live in pain. And it’s even harder to watch everyone else live their lives around you but you’re just stuck in the same scenario time and time again. Today is never a “new day” for me.