I know, it’s Tuesday which starts with a “T” and so does Thoughts. I needed to do it. I’m sorry, okay?! I like to have themes!
Moving on to what I want to talk about regarding recovery from an eating disorder: The Fear of Gaining Weight. This is an ironic fear for someone suffering/recovering from an eating disorder because, obviously, the end result is going to leave you with some extra weight.
So, what’s the big deal? You know to recover you need to get your body to a healthy weight but it’s the fear of it becoming apparent which is scary. For me, I think the biggest fear is where the weight is going to go on my body. Unfortunately, we cannot pick and choose where we want weight gain to go as we recover or go through life in general.
During recovery, most of the weight gain harvests in your mid-section which isn’t the place most of us would choose for it to plant itself. For me, being an athlete, the additional fat over my “abs” freaks me out because of all of the “hard work” I put into achieving them. Also, since I’m trying to eat better for my knee, I want to see results in my legs not my back, chest, and love handles.
The biggest annoyance of it all is why do I care about this in the first place? When did the thought of having fat in places become a bad thing? I look around at the people from high school and college with curvy bodies and different body shapes; therefore, I cannot remember why I wanted my body to have absolute zero fat on it. When did this become cute?
I think with the compliments things just got overboard and I became obsessed with myself. I was loving all of these new compliments I didn’t get when I was heavier and things just went way too far. The minute I didn’t fit into any jeans at American Eagle was the moment things hit me hard; yet, I still fear weight gain because I don’t have control over where it goes on my body.
It’s a hard thing to get over at this point. I know I need to gain weight. I know I’ve gotten to the point people no longer compliment me but stare at me and wince because of how skinny I’ve become over time. I don’t know why this is so hard for me to get over especially since I know it’s essential at this point.
After freaking out to my mother about my newly acquired hip pain, I just hope my body isn’t broken completely. I’m going to end up in a wheel chair soon. My body is just so confused from compensating and although there are times I think I just need to “forget about it” and “move on”… My goals in life and my career require me to have healthy legs. The things I love require me to have healthy legs and it’s hard to have all of your goals and hobbies taken from you for a long period of time. It isn’t about running anymore, it’s about my life.