Thursday Thoughts: A Battle with Myself

I’m not really sure where to go with this but we’ll see how it all comes out. Maybe it’ll make sense to you, maybe not. Either way, I’m just want to talk about the battle I have with myself on a daily basis.

One day when I was driving in the car with my mom, I told her flat out I battle with myself everyday. “It’s me versus me with disordered eating. I don’t know who to listen to anymore. I can’t differentiate between the two”.

This battle among myself is the worst part about this whole disease. It could be about normal girl things like what to wear for the day, but unfortunately, it’s mostly about food-related questions. Example: “What am I hungry for?” – Ice cream sundae with hot fudge, sprinkles, and peanut butter sauceNo, you can’t eat that! Where is the nutrients? Okay, I’ll have a Greek Yogurt with peanut butter and cereal Peanut butter?! You already had some today. Alright, maybe I’ll just have a cereal bar or a small salad. It’s almost dinner time. Can’t you just wait? Okay.

It’s sad. It’s really like two people are in my mind. Sometimes I feel like I’m craving certain things or wanting certain things but I question whether I really want it or not. How sad is it I’ve gotten to this point? A point where I can’t even decipher whether I’m hungry for something or I’m eating something because it seems “right” to eat it.

I can’t even say blogging as played a part in this for me. My disordered eating started my junior year of high school. Yeah, it’s been about six years. I didn’t know about blogging but I started researching foods and things. This lead to “good” and “bad” foods and just reading labels for certain ingredients, etc. Since I’ve been reading blogs, I’ve actually eaten more than I had prior to their “discovery”; however, what I eat now is not right. It’s just not. I don’t want to say “normal” but the days of me eating protein pancakes and egg whites with cottage cheese were for what? To be a body builder? Last time I checked… That wasn’t a goal of mine. I want to be fit, yes, but most of my friends are fit but don’t even think about eating protein cupcakes/waffles/eggs/spaghetti (JK, but you get my point). I just want to go back to the days where I just took a step, ate something, and moved on with whatever it was I was doing at the time. Probably playing with Elmo.

I’m so exhausted by the end of every day because I try to overanalyze everything and decipher my own thoughts. It makes me so mad because I just don’t want to care anymore but it’s been burned in my head to care. It’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of effort to try and get back to normal again, but I know I can do it.

Thoughts?

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27 thoughts on “Thursday Thoughts: A Battle with Myself

  1. Oh goodness! You just said everything I go through everyday. I can just just eat something. I have to battle it in my head. Is it too much? Not enough? Too much fat? Not enough protein? Too yummy?! The years i wasted eating rice cakes and sugar free jelly! And egg whites for protein. I want so badly to just eat and be “normal” i know i use the word normal too much but you get it… Its nice to know im not the only one with these thoughts. But i am sorry you are suffering too. I know how awful it is!! Hang in there. I really enjoy your honesty in your blogging 🙂

    • Thanks! And yes, all of those questions pop up in my head after I eat ANYTHING. It’s hard to calm it down but sometimes I think I have to distract myself right away to just forget about it!

  2. Oh girl, this just breaks my heart because I know exactly how annoying and boring that voice inside your head is. Mine was the same. That bitch never wanted me to go out to dinner with family, partake in my friends’ weekly brunch dates… Luckily, I eventually shut her up.

    I know you can do it too. Just keep on fighting!!

  3. So I know you’ve probably mentioned this before but have you gone to a nutritionist/therapist/treatment? I know I thought I could beat it on my own but it wasn’t until I saw the the therapist this year that I was finally able to kick that second voice once and for all. And honestly, it hasn’t really come back since. I really hope that one day you’re able to get rid of her too.

    • Thanks. And I’ve played around with the nutritionist thing but I’m a very stubborn person. If someone told me what to eat and when to eat it, I wouldn’t do it. I just hate being told what to do. Lol

  4. There is NO “normal” way to eat when it comes to the blog world. JUST LIKE with my post about running, you have to eat what works for you. I don’t eat protein pancakes, or body builder stuff..because I don’t want to!! NOW I know that this issue is much deeper than just not wanting to eat pancakes or PB, but I just don’t want you to feel “bad” because you don’t conform to blog land. EVERY ONe needs to be different in this blog universe!

    This comment may be WAY off, but either way I hope this voice calms the eff down so you can be happy and content. Maybe eat the foods that nourish your body, but also make you comfortable and then slowly reintroduce the scary stuff. I know you’ve done this before, but maybe trying again from the beginning? BABY steps!

    • I know about the “normal” and “bad” foods. There really is no such thing unless it’s been proven to kill people. I’m not trying to please anyone but I DO want to eat good things for my body which is where it gets tricky. It is baby steps and I’m slowly getting there but it gets so uncomfortable sometimes it just sucks.

  5. I think that perhaps talking to someone like a counselor could work worlds for you. I honestly started talking to a counselor for just life and everything and I just feel so much better. I can discuss random issues, running, life, moving related. It’s always worth a shot!

    • I tried talking to a counselor in college and I didn’t really feel comfortable. I mean, it could have been the environment (I was at school) or just the counselor in general but I just never felt like I could just completely open up. It was weird. I’m a really guarded person, too, so it’s hard for me to open up to anyone. It’s easy for me to write stuff down and quick press, “Send” or “Publish”, but when it comes to face to face… I’m pretty quiet.

  6. You CAN do it. There is so much worth fighting for, and you know it, too! I challenge you to eat a huge bowl of ice cream at least once a week. A little bit of ice cream will go a long way! Elmo (and your mommy) would be so proud 🙂

    • Does froyo count?! And I know my mom has been proud of me lately which makes me feel good… I just wish I was seeing progress in my knee situation as I progress in other areas.

  7. I appreciate your honestly and boldness in this blog post. I’ve never personally suffered from an eating disorder, but I can totally relate to how easily it would be to fall into one. I consider myself lucky to have escaped it and need to remind myself from time to time that there is such a thing of trying to be too health. I second the people who suggest going to see a nutritionalist. Sometimes it helps to have another voice to make yours stronger when you fight the one of your eating disorder and they might be able to put your mind to ease a bit more.

    Lots of love!

    Christine

    • It’s hard for me with the nutritionalist because I’m really guarded and stubborn. I’m not sure if I would actually do something ordered by someone else. It is extremely hard to decipher between healthy eating versus TOO healthy. You just never know! Thanks, girl ❤

  8. Something that helped me a lot was finally drilling it into my head that there is.no.right.way.to.eat. There’s no magic number. No magic ratio. No magic list of good and bad foods. None of that. There’s only what makes you happy and what makes you feel good. Honestly, I wasted so much time and energy trying to come up with the perfect diet, making sure I avoided all that “bad” foods and only ate the good ones, and what did I have to show for it? Nothing. Actually, I just ended up even more unhealthy and miserable as hell. It wasn’t until I finally got frustrated enough to rebel against the rules and do my own thing that I realized that the less I stressed about eating, the healthier and happier I became.

    • Whenever you comment, I know you’re exactly right. Sometimes I’ll sit down on how to go about things and realize that’s my problem. I’m always trying to plan a certain way to eat and hoping that “xyz” solves my problems; however, I just have to listen to MYSELF somehow and find out what I really want to eat. What makes me feel good, satisfies me, etc.

  9. Oh sweetie, I completely understand where you’re coming from. I’ve gone through these exact same thought processes. I don’t want to care, but I do. Eventually, I got to a point where I was just so sick and exhausted of being sick and exhausted basically.
    You can overcome this! It takes a lot of work and effort, and it’s hard but everyday work on something. Challenge those food fears, do it and do it again. Eventually the fear dissipates, slowly but it does. Have you talked to a counsellor or nutritionist? It could help a bit, if not you can do this on your own, it’s just a lot of work!
    I know you can overcome this. xox<3

    • I know the fear dissipates when I challenge myself because once I get over a hurdle and wake up the next day… I realize it wasn’t so bad I ate something or did something different. It is A LOT of work to do on your own but I think a nutritionalist would make things worse for me. I’m super stubborn!

  10. Ahhh, the constant battle of the minds. I’m pretty dang familiar with this, seeing as my mind has been battling itself for over 7 years. And I let my ED mind win for the majority of those years. But ever since seeing a Nutritionist I’ve been able to put my mind at ease because I know what I NEED to eat and having a professional “back up” my healthy mind tends to lead to it winning over my ED mind. And now that I’ve been eating more and exercising less, the ED mind doesn’t fight as hard. It’s still loud and it’s still present, but it gives up faster. Which is interesting…the thing that the ED mind is fighting against is the thing that makes him weaker. Eat more-> You become stronger, ED becomes weaker.

    • This is true. I know the more I challenge myself and just do things, the more confident I’ll become in myself and my choices. It’s just hard to decipher what exactly it is I want anymore. I think I have to just start doing things without second thought. Immediate answers.

  11. As usual, I love your honesty!! I agree with a lot of the other commenters… a therapist/counselor can work wonders! I’ve battled with anxiety after a car crash… to the point where I would CRY every single time I had to get in a vehicle. It helped to just talk things out with a professional, you know?!

    I know you can battle through this and WIN!

  12. I feel this on a daily basis… too much than I care to admit really! So appreciate your honesty here Laura and like many other people have said, a therapist can make such a difference! I haven’t seen mine since the middle of the school year and really need to get back to it. It’s nice to even talk about the issues, then the advice that is offered is ever better… make sure you find a good match though, which can take time 🙂

  13. Oh girl I hear you. I still have thoughts like this most days. I’ve gotten to the point where sometimes I can resist acting on those thoughts, but usually it’s just a big huge argument in my head that drives me fucking CRAZY! I had a realization the other day that….what have I done with my life so far? My life has been mainly an obsession with how much I weight, how I look, what I’m eating and/or not eating….and think of how much more I could have done with my life if that space in my mind were freed up. but it’s a million times harder to actually banish those thoughts than it is to know that they need to go!

    • I know exactly what you mean! I have these same conversations and realizations with myself on a daily basis. It’s amazing how self aware you can be but the hardest part is putting your thoughts into actions. It’s such a slow process and I wish I could just do a complete 180 in the snap of a finger!

  14. Oh yes, I can definitely relate to those conflicting inner voices and have told my mum the same you did over and over.
    While I can’t say I’ve fully shaken off the “bad” voice telling me to stay away from certain foods it’s gotten a lot better in the past months.What has helped me is to remind myself that trying those “forbidden” foods, breaking the rules just once won’t hurt. If it did or you didn’t enjoy it as much as you imagined you could still go back to your old ways. The more I’m allowing myself to actually try what I’m craving – however “unhealthy” it might be deemed – the more I can tell my true preferences. What’s funniest about this is that it’s been only now that I’ve had to stop exercising completely due to an injury that I actually started daring myself more. So yes, you DO deserve to eat! Go and have that ice-cream sundae – oh, and mail me some, too, okay :)?!

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