I’m not really sure where to go with this but we’ll see how it all comes out. Maybe it’ll make sense to you, maybe not. Either way, I’m just want to talk about the battle I have with myself on a daily basis.
One day when I was driving in the car with my mom, I told her flat out I battle with myself everyday. “It’s me versus me with disordered eating. I don’t know who to listen to anymore. I can’t differentiate between the two”.
This battle among myself is the worst part about this whole disease. It could be about normal girl things like what to wear for the day, but unfortunately, it’s mostly about food-related questions. Example: “What am I hungry for?” – Ice cream sundae with hot fudge, sprinkles, and peanut butter sauce – No, you can’t eat that! Where is the nutrients? – Okay, I’ll have a Greek Yogurt with peanut butter and cereal – Peanut butter?! You already had some today. Alright, maybe I’ll just have a cereal bar or a small salad. It’s almost dinner time. Can’t you just wait? Okay.
It’s sad. It’s really like two people are in my mind. Sometimes I feel like I’m craving certain things or wanting certain things but I question whether I really want it or not. How sad is it I’ve gotten to this point? A point where I can’t even decipher whether I’m hungry for something or I’m eating something because it seems “right” to eat it.
I can’t even say blogging as played a part in this for me. My disordered eating started my junior year of high school. Yeah, it’s been about six years. I didn’t know about blogging but I started researching foods and things. This lead to “good” and “bad” foods and just reading labels for certain ingredients, etc. Since I’ve been reading blogs, I’ve actually eaten more than I had prior to their “discovery”; however, what I eat now is not right. It’s just not. I don’t want to say “normal” but the days of me eating protein pancakes and egg whites with cottage cheese were for what? To be a body builder? Last time I checked… That wasn’t a goal of mine. I want to be fit, yes, but most of my friends are fit but don’t even think about eating protein cupcakes/waffles/eggs/spaghetti (JK, but you get my point). I just want to go back to the days where I just took a step, ate something, and moved on with whatever it was I was doing at the time. Probably playing with Elmo.
I’m so exhausted by the end of every day because I try to overanalyze everything and decipher my own thoughts. It makes me so mad because I just don’t want to care anymore but it’s been burned in my head to care. It’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of effort to try and get back to normal again, but I know I can do it.