Okay, so I’ve been letting this stir for a few days because I’m not really sure how I feel right now. This is just such an awkward situation and it’s so overwhelming for me sometimes. It’s hard to understand but I just feel so stuck right now because of this whole knee nonsense. It’s ridiculous.
Being injured is hard. It doesn’t matter if you’re an elite runner, a stay at home mom, or a baker. When you cannot stand on your own two feet, it sucks.
My MRI results did come back good which is a positive. No meniscus tears. No ligament problems. However, my surgeon believes there are crystals leftover in my synovial fluid from my first surgery. You know? The substance my body rejected; therefore, the inflammation and bleeding in my joint is most likely caused by my body attacking and being completely pissed about the particles being there. I was put on a medication to hopefully dissolve them, but if they don’t dissolve I have to get another surgery to flush out my knee. Whomp, whomp. Why can’t this just go away?
And another sad note because I guess I’m just wallowing in my own self-pity… my other knee is bothering the crap out of me. I’ll wake up in the morning and my skin over my knee is red and it just feels really stiff. The worst part is I’ve exhausted everything to do and try to fix the plica without surgery. It bothers me whether I’m standing, sitting, or laying down. I can’t escape it. It’s quite possibly one of the most annoying injuries because I feel it all the time and your leg feels wobbly because of the inflammation. It’s pretty much driving me nuts and causing me to have panic attacks which are no joke. I start feeling the pain, realize I’ve tried everything to fix it. Consider surgery, heart starts racing. Panic about possible surgery, get dizzy. Overwhelmed by pain, ears start to hurt. Then, I lay down. I never thought I’d be a person with anxiety problems.
I understand things could be worse, but things are just really bad for me. Yeah, other people have it a lot worse, but this is interfering with my entire life and all of the goals I’ve set for myself. Another school year is approaching and I’ll be out again. Student loans are coming in and I can’t pay them. I just feel so useless and such a burden to my parents it’s ridiculous. I don’t contribute anything positive to the world at all.
Sigh. I’m just missing out on so much and I’m just tired of always being a Debbie downer. Maybe I’ll talk more about this tomorrow. Or whenever I post next. I have a lot on my mind.