I’m really glad I’m not the only gamer around these parts but if you haven’t played Kingdom Hearts, you should definitely look into it. It’s so much fun and considering it’s centered around Disney, a lot of people who don’t like video games end up loving it. I guess we’re all just kids at heart 😉
I wanted to elaborate on something I touched on in my last post. The fear of letting people think I’m a Debbie downer. It’s kind of hard to explain, but I’m actually not afraid of writing my true feelings on here. It’s more of letting people down and having them regret spending time with me.
Throughout high school, I was always the person to go to in order to get advice. I listened to everyone and no matter how many times you said the same thing over and over, I would continue to listen. I rarely ever complained about anything and if I did, it was a once and done thing. Part of this has to do with my mom’s inability to fully listen. Don’t get me wrong, she listens to me bitch all the time but she’ll forget something I said the next day because she’s actually tuning me out. It makes me feel unimportant so I make sure to try to never let people feel this way.
I think this is the reason I have a hard time being a downer on my posts because it’s really not who I am as a person. I like to lift people’s spirits and point out the positives in the negatives they may bring up in a post or a conversation. I have secluded myself in the past because of disordered eating awkwardness but now I just don’t want to bring my negativity out in public. For example, we have a Father’s Day picnic this weekend and I’ll most likely skip it. I have nothing good to say right now about my life and constantly telling people, “Yeah, my knee isn’t better. I can’t get a job. etc…,” makes things ten times harder for me. I’d rather stay home than be reminded about how much my life is in the gutter right now. The worst thing, I guess, is not being able to take my own advice. I would tell other people to go to get out of the house, but I know I’ll probably end up more upset and down on this whole situation. Plus, I don’t want to just be the “black cloud” roaming around the picnic. No one needs it.
So, while I’m wallowing all the time on my blog (or my real life, I suppose), I get upset at myself seeing how much I have changed through the years. I don’t like drama. I don’t like bitching. I don’t like crying. I don’t like dwelling on the negatives. But unfortunately, the past two years things have really taken a turn for the worst and realizing the change makes me angry. I don’t have control over what’s going on in my life and it just really pisses me off how I can’t fake a smile anymore. I get exhausted at the end of the day sometimes because I’m trying to fake being happy. Sounds ridiculous, but it’s true.
What you see in my comments is the person I used to be and the person I want to be – not to sound cliché. I bet people just get confused when I’m “HAHAHA”-ing on their post comments and they come to my site to read this bullshit; however, my comments harbor who I really am on the inside and my true personality as a person.
This is a lengthy post but something I struggle with every day. I wish to be able to go out with a friend and have something positive to say instead of just constantly thinking about the negatives. One day… one day this has got to get better so I can meet some of these fine ladies.
Do you have yourself in social isolation for a certain reason?