allow me to elaborate…

I’m really glad I’m not the only gamer around these parts but if you haven’t played Kingdom Hearts, you should definitely look into it. It’s so much fun and considering it’s centered around Disney, a lot of people who don’t like video games end up loving it. I guess we’re all just kids at heart 😉

I wanted to elaborate on something I touched on in my last post. The fear of letting people think I’m a Debbie downer. It’s kind of hard to explain, but I’m actually not afraid of writing my true feelings on here. It’s more of letting people down and having them regret spending time with me.

Throughout high school, I was always the person to go to in order to get advice. I listened to everyone and no matter how many times you said the same thing over and over, I would continue to listen. I rarely ever complained about anything and if I did, it was a once and done thing. Part of this has to do with my mom’s inability to fully listen. Don’t get me wrong, she listens to me bitch all the time but she’ll forget something I said the next day because she’s actually tuning me out. It makes me feel unimportant so I make sure to try to never let people feel this way.

I think this is the reason I have a hard time being a downer on my posts because it’s really not who I am as a person. I like to lift people’s spirits and point out the positives in the negatives they may bring up in a post or a conversation. I have secluded myself in the past because of disordered eating awkwardness but now I just don’t want to bring my negativity out in public. For example, we have a Father’s Day picnic this weekend and I’ll most likely skip it. I have nothing good to say right now about my life and constantly telling people, “Yeah, my knee isn’t better. I can’t get a job. etc…,” makes things ten times harder for me. I’d rather stay home than be reminded about how much my life is in the gutter right now.  The worst thing, I guess, is not being able to take my own advice. I would tell other people to go to get out of the house, but I know I’ll probably end up more upset and down on this whole situation. Plus, I don’t want to just be the “black cloud” roaming around the picnic. No one needs it.

So, while I’m wallowing all the time on my blog (or my real life, I suppose), I get upset at myself seeing how much I have changed through the years. I don’t like drama. I don’t like bitching. I don’t like crying. I don’t like dwelling on the negatives. But unfortunately, the past two years things have really taken a turn for the worst and realizing the change makes me angry. I don’t have control over what’s going on in my life and it just really pisses me off how I can’t fake a smile anymore. I get exhausted at the end of the day sometimes because I’m trying to fake being happy. Sounds ridiculous, but it’s true.

What you see in my comments is the person I used to be and the person I want to be – not to sound cliché. I bet people just get confused when I’m “HAHAHA”-ing on their post comments and they come to my site to read this bullshit; however, my comments harbor who I really am on the inside and my true personality as a person.

This is a lengthy post but something I struggle with every day. I wish to be able to go out with a friend and have something positive to say instead of just constantly thinking about the negatives. One day… one day this has got to get better so I can meet some of these fine ladies.

Do you have yourself in social isolation for a certain reason?

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15 thoughts on “allow me to elaborate…

  1. I think you are in the same slum that a lot of people are in right now. We often just let people see what we want them to see. However, when we can write our true emotions and are brave enough to share it with the world through blogs or what-not, it helps us cope. Life is scary, especially for someone your age. let me tell you, as someone almost twice your age that you will see many ups and downs. It can be rather depressing. I look at my grandmother who is in her 80’s, Grandpa died when I was 8 and she was very much in love with him. She missed him like crazy still to this day. And her kids, wow what a piece of work. My mother and my uncle are probably about the only normal functioning kids. The other two have so much craziness. Anyway, back to my grandmother, she has seen so much ups and downs and I wonder how she survived. They homesteaded in Idaho with out no money or anything. No electricity or nothing when my mom was very little. My grandma came from an upper class family and had luxuries. So to marry poor was a big blow. She kept plugging on. Now she is doing fine. She has enjoyed trips and all sorts of things since she has gotten married. I dream that I will have a full enriched life with her even though life seems to be down at this moment. All I can say my dear, is that life has to get better and it will. Sorry about my rambling.

  2. I think you honestly have ever right to complain and be upset. You are doing through a hard period in your life and don’t forget that. Not only are we fresh out of college, the job market is awful. It isnt like there is plentiful amount of his and especially teaching jobs. Plus add your knee and obviously adds more stress.

    • Thanks, Holly. And yeah, the job situation stinks but I have been trying to look for jobs in my area aside from not being able to get one… And for math teachers… There are zippo. It really is just hard for anyone right now!

  3. i feel the same, tired pretending. its like im two people but taking advice from an mazing man bruce lee be one self so you can always be in the moment nd live life

  4. Sadly I was in social isolation all through college because of stupid ED!! I really missed out on what could have been some really wonderful years. Anyways, I am a gamer too! I have not llayed kingdom hearts but may have to try it. My favorites are Zelda and Call of Duty 🙂

  5. Honestly though, for every time you complain you’ve also had a lot of posts where you focus on what’s GOOD in your life – and so the real you does shine through here! And going through crappy times honestly turns everyone into a bit of a downer – it’s totally normal. And you have every right to get those emotions out via your blog, because if you just let them bottle up then it’ll really take away all the positive you’ve got left. Let it out so that the real you has room to breathe! AND I’m moving to VA in two weeks, so we must hang out ASAP! or at Christmastime lol

    • Ahh, thank you for understanding. I definitely try to put in light-hearted and “dark-hearted” posts evenly so people get to know ME and not just what I’m complaining about. I can’t believe you move to VA in TWO WEEKS?!?!?!! NO!

  6. So much I could say about this….First, you are not a debbie downer, you are real and not trying to be fake with everyone and that means more than anything (believe me, I have had a lot of fake people in my life). Second you are an uplifting person, you always leave great comments, that make me smile and it means a lot when I feel like someone takes an interest. Third, I have been there, socially isolating myself for various reasons. I still do it sometimes but I know I did it a lot more when I was injured. When I tore my ACL/MCL in college, I holed up in my dorm room if I wasn’t in class because I was miserable. The track team moved forward (as they should) and I had been replaced within DAYS of injury. When I had my broken foot last year, I read…a lot. I read almost a book a day…and watched god knows how many tv shows (every episode on netflix) because I didn’t want to bring people down with the fact that I wanted to drop an F bomb every other word. Lastly I will tell you that you CAN do this, and you have lots of support and I want to thank you for being real and being a fabulous lady!

    • Thank you so, SO much Laura. I really appreciate you relating to what I’m going through. I think part of it is hard to voice, too, because not everyone has experienced something like this so I feel like a lot of people just won’t get it. And I DO drop the F bomb every other word so perfectly fine with me 😉

  7. Ah boo. I would totally be fine with you visiting and bitching the whole time as long as you visit 🙂 I don’t find your posts annoying, Debby downer. I would be one hell of a bitch in your situation. Enjoy sunshine, Elmo, coffee, and Michael. The finer things in life.

  8. I have the same take- when I’m struggling, I don’t want people to know, and I try to stay positive on my blog (which DEFINITELY isn’t always the case). I have a tendency to isolate myself when I eat too much-there have been nights I’ve eaten a TON and then cancelled on friends because I didn’t want to be seen/feel up to it. Things may be tough now, but it will get better, just be patient and stay as positive as you can! What helps me is to think about what I CAN do and try to focus on that!

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