mixed emotions

I have some big thoughts in my head right now. Of course, a majority of them are about rehabing my knees. It’s kind of a pain in the butt realizing your not an Olympic athlete, your not a college superstar, and your not someone who needs answers and treatment right away. I’m an average Joe with this whole knee business. Just a girl who likes to run.

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Throughout the day, I’ll sporadically get really pumped to heal myself back to normal. “I’ll do PT exercises”, “I’ll start standing more and concentrate on using my muscles”, “Doctor told me to try jogging, so I will”, etc. Then, my left knee (non-surgery knee) will bother me and instead of it just being a gradual sadness… It’s like I jump straight off a cliff.

I get it all… heart starts racing, start to feel dizzy/faint, my neck gets tight, etc. Panic attacks at its finest. Immediately I wish things were different this time. I want to get better by myself. I want to get better so my parents don’t have to worry about me complaining, being sad, and paying for another surgery. Sometimes it’s just too much and I hate not knowing the exact DO’s and DON’T’s towards my recovery. After all, it only takes one bad move to ruin something.

I miss the days of just being able to walk around without having to concentrate on how I’m walking, what hurts, what doesn’t hurt, etc. It’s just on my mind all the time and it’s not like I can just shut it off. I feel it, so it’s there. I’m pretty sure anyone (whether you’re an athlete or not) can agree it’s the worst feeling to have something hurt and you don’t know how to fix it.

I want to go back to this…

Not this…

And never this… Yikes.

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I just have to keep trying. Keep learning. And just keep going, I guess. At least I’m getting better… With time.

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19 thoughts on “mixed emotions

  1. *hugs*. Girly, you will get better. Injuries happen, hurt happens, but the body heals. Most of us are not athletes, college superstars, or even local running race superstars… we are just all people trying to make it each day whether we work out or not. You are definitely taking steps (no pun intended) in the right direction, and you look so happy in that picture of you making the pie too, happy and healthy and wearing a very cute hoody I might add :).

    • It is my favorite hoodie from Shippensburg! Unfortunately, I can’t find it at the moment >< And I just hope I can do this without surgery… That's the biggest thing in my mind.

  2. You have come so far from the girl in that red plaid shirt!! You are having moments of light at the end of the tunnel and just like with running, we have good days and bad days, good runs and bad runs!! Keep remembering the GOOD days, which make the bad days seem SMALL!! Hang in there hot mama!

    • Thanks, girl! And I do try to look at the light of things and pump myself up and stuff… But then, it’s like a ton of bricks hits me and I plummet. It’s like an intense build-up just to be let down. I’m definitely not going back to that girl. No wayyy.

  3. I’m very short..but I now look like your scariest photo…
    😦
    would love to chat.
    And hey, I know. I can barely walk either 😦

  4. SO true love. Everything will get better with time, patience, and learning more about yourself. Keep your head up girl. It sounds like you’re doing the right thing – and hey, sometimes we make mistakes but we can always learn from those. It’s never failing when you try something new and different.
    And seriously, you’ve come SUCH a long way from your last photo. And it’s great you never want to be back there. I’d say that’s amazing progress right there!

    • Yeah, when I look back at this one folder of photos it kind of turns my stomach. I have no idea what I was thinking to be honest. I just LOOK sick. But, it is progress just to notice it and I’m FAR from where I was then, thankfully. And it does stink you have to make mistakes in order to learn… But it is the way life goes, I guess!

  5. I really think this is a point in the summer that everyone feels somewhat blah. No matter if you have the life blahs, running blahs, knee blahs…it’s hot…but it’s too hot. It’s not like an enjoyable climate and it’s just miserable right now. You do look happy in the Shipp photo and I hope you are able to return to that.

    • Thanks, Hollie. And yeah, the heat probably has something to do with it considering I drip with sweat going out to get the mail. It makes for a blah day when you’re constantly perspirating lol

  6. you have def. come a long way from that picture in the car! your other knee most def. be hurting because of the stress you’re putting on it from the other knee. :/ sucks but in time you’ll feel better! 😉 plus it’s summer so that means everything’s harder. haha keep going girl. you’re slowly healing! happy weekend!!

  7. I know what you mean about worrying about fixing something that hurts and just feeling so lost and confused and stress out about it and then feeling stressed out about worrying about it. it can become a cycle that never ends. I agree with other commenters… you’ve come a long way!! Just take a deep breath and take it one day at a time!! That’s the only way to get through things, you know?!

  8. It’s hard not to stress, it’s hard not to worry. But I love that you want to get better, you want to make things right and you want to move forward, with that attitude you will. I love that you recognize the HEALTHY things you want to get to and not revert back to old ways. You are amazing and have come along way, never lose sight of that.

    • Yeah, I’ve definitely grown a lot more than I thought over the past year. A lot. And I definitely need to keep my head right and keep reading/researching correct ways for doing things. I just have to almost re-learn how to live which is sad but it’s worth it!

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