I have some big thoughts in my head right now. Of course, a majority of them are about rehabing my knees. It’s kind of a pain in the butt realizing your not an Olympic athlete, your not a college superstar, and your not someone who needs answers and treatment right away. I’m an average Joe with this whole knee business. Just a girl who likes to run.
Throughout the day, I’ll sporadically get really pumped to heal myself back to normal. “I’ll do PT exercises”, “I’ll start standing more and concentrate on using my muscles”, “Doctor told me to try jogging, so I will”, etc. Then, my left knee (non-surgery knee) will bother me and instead of it just being a gradual sadness… It’s like I jump straight off a cliff.
I get it all… heart starts racing, start to feel dizzy/faint, my neck gets tight, etc. Panic attacks at its finest. Immediately I wish things were different this time. I want to get better by myself. I want to get better so my parents don’t have to worry about me complaining, being sad, and paying for another surgery. Sometimes it’s just too much and I hate not knowing the exact DO’s and DON’T’s towards my recovery. After all, it only takes one bad move to ruin something.
I miss the days of just being able to walk around without having to concentrate on how I’m walking, what hurts, what doesn’t hurt, etc. It’s just on my mind all the time and it’s not like I can just shut it off. I feel it, so it’s there. I’m pretty sure anyone (whether you’re an athlete or not) can agree it’s the worst feeling to have something hurt and you don’t know how to fix it.
I want to go back to this…
And never this… Yikes.
I just have to keep trying. Keep learning. And just keep going, I guess. At least I’m getting better… With time.