thursday thoughts: “me” time is all the time

There are so many times throughout my recovery I told myself and others there was nothing wrong. Of course, in the back of my mind, I knew what I was doing but it was almost like I convinced myself everything I was doing was completely normal. It was not until I took a look at myself… really took a look at myself… and realized just how badly I was living with blinders.

These are the main signs which made me choose recovery. I hope, if any pertain to you, you will seek help whether it’s through treatment, yourself, or family.

1. “Me” time is all the time. Birthday parties, graduation parties, bonfires, etc. were all a no-go. Anywhere there was a possibility of food, I avoided completely.

2. You start skipping meals just to go sit by yourself in a store or go shopping. I used to go somewhere every night at dinner during high school. A majority of my time was spent at Barnes and Noble drinking water and coffee after coffee.

3. You start to plan out your meals for days of family parties/holidays. This one is big for me. I learned the hard way to cherish time with your family. If you ever find yourself avoiding your family or being angry when someone comes to visit… It’s a problem.

4. You schedule everything around exercise. When your friends ask you to go to a concert or a beach trip, you can skip one (or more) days. It will not “ruin” your fitness.

5. You start eating egg whites, powdered peanut butter, non-fat everything, salsa, raw veggies, and protein powder when you have absolutely no goals to become a body builder. If it’s not your future, just stop kidding yourself.

6. You feel you have to cover up your arms in public. This one is big for me, too. When I started to feel like I could not wear T-shirts or tank tops in public – I knew things had to change.

7. Fruit becomes the enemy because of its sugar content. Uhm, hello? Fruit is delicious. Please tell yourself to go get help. Nature’s candy should never be considered to be bad for you.

8. All of your thoughts are consumed about food. You’re reading about food, blogging about good, gawking P-interest/Instagram for food, and paging through magazines just to look at foods you deemed you “could never eat”. There’s a fine line between foodie/eating disorder food addiction.

9. You “save” calories early in the day just in case someone asks you to go out to eat. Then, when they do, you talk yourself out of going and just staying in to eat something else. Again, red flag.

10. If you ever consider any foods to be “fear foods”. This is bad. No food should be feared at all. Food is delicious and you’re lying to yourself.

These are only some of the things I have thought about recently to what sparked my recovery. The hardest part is admitting it to yourself and just… let it all go. I know some of the things above seem harsh, but I found I needed a kick in the butt to really get myself to change. So, I hope if this applies to you… Please get help from someone.

I can speak from experience, it is worth it.

Thoughts? What are some of your signs/signs you saw in others?

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33 thoughts on “thursday thoughts: “me” time is all the time

  1. Oh man, a lot of these sound wayyy too familiar. That was not a happy time for me. I would have a full on meltdown if I couldn’t make a workout. So not okay. I was also very defense about my eating. I felt the need to justify everything that I ate. That must’ve been fun for the people around me!

    • The justification is something I still need to work on but I found asking if people want to try something is the better approach. If I see people eat something different, I always think it’s weird so I offer people a taste now. And I used to freak out or wake up at like 4:00 AM if it meant having to get a workout in. After going months without being able to do anything, I know time off will not be the end of the world.

  2. Pretty much all of these very much applied to me, both in the depths of my ED and even in the earlier parts of my recovery. It really is crazy how we cling to these things even though they make us miserable, and how afraid we are to let it all go and really be… happy. But it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what it is that makes us want to recover – I honestly can’t even really describe it myself. It was like one day I just woke up and decided that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. It’s like it all clicked and I was finally ready.

    I’m still so.freaking.happy that you’re doing so much better. Like cue happy dance over here 😀

    • I felt the same exact way one morning. I woke up and just thought, “I cannot keep doing this to myself and my family”. The biggest thing for me was when my grandmother passed away… For many reasons, I just had to make a change. I just had to make a change and hope she’s guiding me along the way. I know I have a lot of things to work on, but I accept the challenge and the fact most people always have something to work on with themselves. Instead of putting myself down, I just need to look for ways to improve. 😀 Happy dance in my PJs!

  3. You have come so far and this is a great post I hope more will read. The biggest red flag I see was number 5. When I see people (that absolutely do not need to lose weight) gravitate towards powered pb, ect I begin to wonder. In my previous job and working with those with eating disorders beginning to diet was one of the first big red flags.

    • Yeah, I look back and realize when I was trying to recovery I would buy things like “PB2” or “Better ‘n Peanut Butter”. I mean, PB2 isn’t bad but it is when you’re eating it all the time over regular peanut butter because let’s get real… There’s no comparison. And it was like a downward spiral. I cut out real peanut butter, fish, egg yolks, cereal, etc. because I just slowly cut out all fats. Just.. dumb.

  4. I’ve seen all of these many times, some in others and even some in myself.

    I’m so glad you are able to look at all these and see where things were “problems” or “red flags”- I agree with Hollie, you really have come a long way. Be proud of yourself and all you have accomplished… you are inspirational lady!

    • Thanks, Laura 🙂 I have come a long way and I know it’s easy to slip back but I think I am more “in-tune” about the red flags so it’s easier to call myself out. Plus, having a blog almost keeps me accountable because I know if I am starting to slip without realizing it… I have people who will most likely say something! ❤

  5. Unfortunately, I can still relate to many of these. I thought I was starting to move past my ED but realized that I’m still pretty stuck. I just bought a binge/disordered eating workbook off Amazon and am hoping to move through this on my own but it may take a little bit more outside help. Ugh.I’m not sure when things turned from healthy to unhealthy obsession.

    • Girl, don’t get frustrated with yourself. It happens so quickly sometimes that you just slide from healthy to unhealthy. What’s important is that you notice there’s a problem and want to make changes. Just keep working at it. Also, don’t view getting outside help as a negative. Sometimes it’s necessary to get a little extra support and it will only help in the long run!

      • Thanks for the encouragement 🙂 I appreciate it. I definitely agree that outside help is really important and worthwhile – I guess I just didn’t realize I had gotten to that point. You know? One day it is a healthy lifestyle change and the next it turns to an unhealthy obsession…

      • I know…I can totally relate. It’s such a quick, slippery slope. It often comes out of no where, when we least expect it…and then before you know it, it’s so unhealthy and everything is taken to the extreme.

    • Please, please, please e-mail me any time! I have been back and forth in recovery but for the first time, I am recovering for MYSELF which I believe is the best way. You have to eat the foods you truly love and trust yourself.

  6. All I have to say is amen to these signs! I’m positive I followed every single one of them during my ED and even when I started recovery. Those were always huge red flags in the back of my mind. So proud you’ve realized these things are not normal, you’ve come so far!

    • I think writing them down helps, too. It just “finalizes” the red flags and makes me accountable for it. There’s no way I can just start eating egg whites and plain salads anymore. There’s just no justification for it. Thanks, girl!

  7. Wow! What a powerful post. Honestly I look back to those days and wonder, “How did I not see it?” “How did I think that I was just being healthy?”. It’s scary to think about how blind you become when ED takes over. Thank you so much for this awesome post ❤

    • I know exactly what you mean. I look back at pictures and think, “what was I doing to myself”? It IS scary to know you don’t even realize it until you’re so far into it other people start to say things. I think just reading about eating disorders helps me a lot. If you read a published article regarding eating disorders and think, “I do most of these things”, it’s a trigger you need to make a change. Thanks, girl!

  8. The fear foods is a huge red flag for me – no food(meal/snack) is bad for you. In the grand scheme of life, that red velvet cheesecake you had when you were 22 doesn’t matter if you balance out your day (week, month, year) with healthier foods too!

    • I just recently started feeling this way, too! I think about family get-togethers, especially Thanksgiving/Christmas, and realize how much I just overthought EVERYTHING. I mean, if I eat healthy and balanced a majority of the time obviously one or TWO days of eating cookies and a slice of pie will not screw things up for me. It’s just ridiculous how I forget about the 364 days I eat healthy, but the ONE day I decide to eat un-healthy I dwell on for days or weeks.

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