thursday thoughts: you are worth it

Note: Fake Cigarette.

Once upon a time, I was told I was, “worthless”. Unfortunately, I aimed my self worth at my body. No longer did I want to be called “chubby” or have other people’s siblings laugh because they were talking to one of the bigger girls. I wanted to be like all of my friends with boyfriends and people who sent them little love notes. I need to make a change, so I decided to start eating less and running more. I deemed skinny as being worthy.
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After months and months, the weight started to come off. As the weight came off, I would start getting more and more compliments. I began to believe my body would become worthy of attention and love with the more weight I lost each week.

I was extremely vain. I knew I was pretty but I blamed it on being skinny. I did not care most people told me I was more of “one of the guys” than a bitch or realized I was too laid back to be caught up in the drama. The only reason I blamed people for liking me was my size.

It became an obsession I couldn’t stop and once I hit college, I ate barely enough to survive. When I came home fall break, my parents said something had to change because I looked like nothing but bone. So, I gained weight by drinking, partying, and eating junk because I felt like I had to eat it.

I ate just enough to maintain my weight, but it was a constant rollercoaster. I would gain weight eating junk foods which lead me feeling like, well, junk. So, I would relapse and lose weight then turn around and do it all over again. I never felt like my body made me worthy of being accepted and always wanted more for myself. More running. More hunger. More “Oh my God, you’re so skinny” comments.

Well, my knee surgery happened and I got what I wanted except the comments became, “Oh my God, you’re too skinny”. And again, my body was worthless to me. I was at my lowest point when I realized I could no longer wear T-shirts or tank tops in public because of the dreaded stares I would get from people. I was emaciated and, ultimately, I looked pathetic.

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After my Mommom died, I made a decision to better myself both mentally and physically. No longer would I gain weight by eating walnuts and chocolate bars dipped in peanut butter or stuffing myself with chocolate covered almonds. I had to do it for me by my own standards in order to feel I was worthy of life.

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For the first time, I can stand in a bikini and know I look semi-normal although I have a long way to go from here. I am learning to accept the body I was given, embrace it, and feel pretty enough (whatever that means). I have never weighed this much in over 2 years and, for once, I’m not mad about the weight gain. I eat healthy meals, try to be active, and enjoy cookies, cake, and ice cream daily. I know in time as more weight comes up, I’ll begin to doubt my body but my mind is in a totally different place now.

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I know the people in my life with love me regardless of my weight, size, or how little I can eat on a daily basis. And for those who don’t accept it, I don’t want those people in my life in the first place. As long as I feel good about myself and my decisions, I know my life is worth it.

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51 thoughts on “thursday thoughts: you are worth it

  1. This post is incredible. Gaining weight the healthy way is DEFINITELY the best way to do it because you are forming good habits at the same time. You’ve come so far, and although (like you said) you have plenty more to go, I hope YOU have faith in yourself. Because we as readers all believe in you.

  2. This post truly shows how far you’ve come. You deserve to be happy regardless of body size and I have noticed huge changes just through your blog in recent months which you should be so proud of. I know you’re going to continue fighting the battle and it will be worth it! Keep on keeping on, girl!

  3. Lauren, this is such an incredible post :). I love the picture of you in the swimsuit and how you’re confident enough to put that online. It is a great pic and you look great in it- healthy AND happy. And I can tell you are from your posts, especially in the past few months, because your life has much more balance- not just food and workouts but time with your mom and Elmo. I do hate that you had to deal with the ED, and I am convinced it’s a daily battle but you’re super tough and have come so far in overcoming it and being happy with life *hugs*

    • I think going through this whole thing is going to make me a much stronger person. It’s a terrible thing to have but if (and when) I make it through, my mind is going to be tough!

  4. I remember back when you started your blog… and look at you now! You’ve come SO far. It’s something to be proud of! Sometimes when I’m feeling bloating and stuff I have to tell myself that I’m the only one who cares. People like me for ME, not my body. They don’t care if I have a little chub. They’re more concerned with themselves, lol 😀

  5. This post is so beautiful. I love every bit of it. I am so happy for you!! You are so right, it’s something that you need to decide for yourself, not for anyone else or because someone tells you to do it. The only way you can ever make it work is to change the way you think and to put yourself and your health first. It looks like you’re in an amazing place right now and it’s such an inspiration to hear how you have progressed and made the decision to fight for your life and your health. Thanks so much for sharing, girl! Keep it up!! 🙂

    • Thanks, girl! And it’s definitely a whole different ball game when you decide to do it for YOU. For once, I’m not trying to please anyone or else or try to make other people happy!

  6. YAY!! this post made me so happy for you because it really sounds like your head is in a great place.to be able to look back and face your demons and declare that they dont control you anymore is the key to long term success. which, you obviously have covered. you are amazing!!!

  7. You have come such a long way, and its incredible to read and see. I’m so proud of you, for the progress you have made, and for being able to be honest and open and admit things, that takes a lot more than most people are willing to give. YOU ARE WORTH IT! 🙂

    p.s I love your prom dresses!

    • Thank you, Laura! 🙂 And yeah, I wish I could wear my senior prom dress to every formal event! I loved the gold color and the fact it was simple, but the back was all rhinestones!

  8. I AM so in love with this post!!!!! I am seriously soooo damn proud of you and where you have come! Things like this DO NOT happen over night or with the snap of a finger and if you keep working for something, you WILL get it!! YOU LOOK AMAZING and seriously, your bod is hot..I would kill to have your bod!! LOVE that body of yours and keep fueling it right!

  9. Lurker here- but this post makes me SO happy. It made be totally weird because I don’t even know you but I just find your whole story remarkable. You have made some amazing strides and will only continue to do so. Keep it up! You are beautiful inside and out and you deserve only the best!

  10. I’m here sitting in the middle of Starbucks and I’m SERIOUSLY considering getting up and doing a freaking happy dance. Either way, I’m grinning like a madwoman, so I blame you 😛 I’m so happy for you Lauren, and beyond proud. You are freaking AMAZING, and you always were… you just needed to see that for yourself 🙂

  11. This is amazing, Lauren! “And for those who don’t accept it, I don’t want those people in my life in the first place.” <– I love that almost as much as I love that you came to that realization! The people who love you aren't judging you based on how you look. They're judging you by your heart and all the awesome qualities you possess. Looks will eventually fade but these qualities last forever!

    • It’s so true. Plus, if people like me for my looks, I really don’t want those people in my life. I don’t like the whole, “judging a book by its cover,” thing so I don’t want to surround myself with people who do have this mindset!

      • Amen sista! It’s hard but I had to learn to let go of the people in my life with that mindset. They drained me and made me feel awful about myself… Once I freed myself from their judgment I felt SO much better!

  12. Good lord thank you for making me fall in love with you even MORE! This post is seriously so honest and real, I just love it. You should be so proud of your progress and how far you have come. Trust me, I know this journey can be hard, and it can be lonely. Keep that pretty head up my friend!

  13. This is such an amazing post Lauren. You have made so much progress and it is inspiring to read. Keep rockin beautiful!

  14. All I have to say is, I honestly respect this post more than any other post I have read from all those ‘recovering’ bloggers out there. You are real. You understand you have a way to go but you accept that and keep moving forward. You don’t justify where you are you just state it. Girl, you know I am rooting for you more than anyone else out there.

    • I always like to tell things like they are because I know how bad it is to put blinders over a situation. I love honesty and want nothing but honesty in return! I just know how bad it is to read “toxic” information so I never want to put the wrong idea into anyone else’s head. Thank you so much, Alex. So much love for you, girl!

  15. I looooove this post SO much! I have really enjoyed reading your blog from “the beginning” and watching you grow. You seem so much more comfortable with yourself and just happier, despite your knee struggles. I have also loved reading about your relationship with your parents–I’m glad it’s getting better and better!!

    • Things have changed SO much since I started this blog back in college. It’s amazing for me to go back and read some things because I never realize just how much I’ve grown mentally!

  16. Such wise words that can only come from someone who has been through it all. I have mentioned before, I am your opposite – I hate my body, but instead of the obsessive motivation to fix it, I sink in to the idea of “I’m already fat, why not eat another pint of ice cream”? I am still struggling to find my “wise words”, and reading your blog is a great inspiration.

    • I am so glad you find my posts to be an inspiration! Please feel free to e-mail me any time if you need a little motivational boost. My biggest advice is to do one thing a day which scares you. In your case, it might be trying a new “healthier” meal or trying banana soft serve instead of ice cream!

  17. What a great post. It takes courage to write about things like this, and I commend you so much for sharing your journey! We all need a remind that we are worth it. You’re beautiful, and deserve so much happiness! Thanks for sharing this post 🙂

    • I just hope I can inspire people from all spectrums to take risks in their lives in order to achieve some sort of success! It’s all about trial and error and finding what’s right for YOU!

  18. I’ve been reading for a long while now but never commented…however I could not let this entry go by….

    GO YOU!!! Yay yay yay, frick yes, hell yeah, awesome work, rah rah rah and every other cheer you can think of.

    You should be so proud of yourself and the journey you’re on will have a huge payoff. I’ve just gone through a similar battle (anorexia/bulimia for 7+ years, treatment, no success, finally said enough and gained some weight healthily) and the pay off is amainh. Sure you gain some (much needed!) weight, but the important part is what else you “gain”. Friends, health, a life, happiness, a not exhausted body, the ability to live and endless possibilities.

    So….GO YOU. Amazing work.

    • LOL Thank you for all the cheers! 😉 And you’re SO right. You gain so much more of your life back then just pounds. In reality, the pounds only mean something to you and nobody else. No one sees a number when they look at someone else. And if they do, that’s just weird 😛

  19. You ARE so worth it! Glad to have found you. I only recently started my blog so it’s a little rough around the edges, but the content is up. I’ve shared in a lot of the same struggles that you have, and recently blogged about breaking up with the scale, and the numbers that I used to allow define my day. Life on the other side is so liberating!! If you’re interested, check it out:

    http://emilyminer.com/2013/08/13/7-ways-to-end-an-unhealthy-relationship-with-the-scale/

  20. I’ve been reading your blog for a long time (at least a year.) In my opinion this is the best post you have ever written. Thank you for sharing your story. And even though I don’t “know” you I am so so proud of you and your strength in this journey of yours. I was really wowed by your honesty in this blog entry. Your heartwarming story (and really, this is just the beginning) made me smile. And you look really really great. But more importantly you sound great; like you have got a great head in your shoulders and you have confidence in your self and your being.

  21. Pingback: The Versatile Blogger Award | Little Miss Fit

  22. I know I’m late commenting on this, Lauren, but it’s an awesome post. Thank you for sharing your struggles, the good and the bad, and being a big inspiration. I have struggled a bit with some of the same things you have, but not nearly on the same level as you have. I can only imagine the scope of what you’ve been through, and how difficult it has been for you. I’m so happy for you, and the realizations you wrote about in this post!

  23. i’m sure you know this post speaks to me! i can totally relate. it’s so hard to remember that recovery is worth it but it is. a life of restriction is not a life and will not make you happy, no matter how hard an ED works to tell you the opposite. feeling good about your decisions is a huge indicator of what the healthiest decision is. whenever i make a decision that involves giving in to my ED, i feel so awful after. my mind told me the decision would make me feel better but it only made me feel shittier. that’s when you know you’re ready to recover!

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