Once upon a time, I was told I was, “worthless”. Unfortunately, I aimed my self worth at my body. No longer did I want to be called “chubby” or have other people’s siblings laugh because they were talking to one of the bigger girls. I wanted to be like all of my friends with boyfriends and people who sent them little love notes. I need to make a change, so I decided to start eating less and running more. I deemed skinny as being worthy.
After months and months, the weight started to come off. As the weight came off, I would start getting more and more compliments. I began to believe my body would become worthy of attention and love with the more weight I lost each week.
I was extremely vain. I knew I was pretty but I blamed it on being skinny. I did not care most people told me I was more of “one of the guys” than a bitch or realized I was too laid back to be caught up in the drama. The only reason I blamed people for liking me was my size.
It became an obsession I couldn’t stop and once I hit college, I ate barely enough to survive. When I came home fall break, my parents said something had to change because I looked like nothing but bone. So, I gained weight by drinking, partying, and eating junk because I felt like I had to eat it.
I ate just enough to maintain my weight, but it was a constant rollercoaster. I would gain weight eating junk foods which lead me feeling like, well, junk. So, I would relapse and lose weight then turn around and do it all over again. I never felt like my body made me worthy of being accepted and always wanted more for myself. More running. More hunger. More “Oh my God, you’re so skinny” comments.
Well, my knee surgery happened and I got what I wanted except the comments became, “Oh my God, you’re too skinny”. And again, my body was worthless to me. I was at my lowest point when I realized I could no longer wear T-shirts or tank tops in public because of the dreaded stares I would get from people. I was emaciated and, ultimately, I looked pathetic.
After my Mommom died, I made a decision to better myself both mentally and physically. No longer would I gain weight by eating walnuts and chocolate bars dipped in peanut butter or stuffing myself with chocolate covered almonds. I had to do it for me by my own standards in order to feel I was worthy of life.
For the first time, I can stand in a bikini and know I look semi-normal although I have a long way to go from here. I am learning to accept the body I was given, embrace it, and feel pretty enough (whatever that means). I have never weighed this much in over 2 years and, for once, I’m not mad about the weight gain. I eat healthy meals, try to be active, and enjoy cookies, cake, and ice cream daily. I know in time as more weight comes up, I’ll begin to doubt my body but my mind is in a totally different place now.
I know the people in my life with love me regardless of my weight, size, or how little I can eat on a daily basis. And for those who don’t accept it, I don’t want those people in my life in the first place. As long as I feel good about myself and my decisions, I know my life is worth it.