Swoooooooooooon. It is so much easier for me to wake up in the morning with the weather being in the high 70s all day. I wish it would stay like this year round! There’s definitely a different smell in the air when fall comes around and I kinda like it! I’m pretty sure we all need this shirt.
The only thing I’ve been bothered with lately is thinking of where I am going from here. As far as my knee is concerned, I can get around a lot easier but there is still fluid always in my knee. It’s not just after I workout. It’s not after I’ve been on my feet all day. It’s just always there.
This tiny amount really screws things up. Sometimes I feel like my knee is just kind of floating when I’m standing, so it starts to get this off balance feeling and it’s just obviously off. Regardless of my history, I’m just wondering when there is going to be a point where enough is enough. Where someone says, “Shouldn’t this be gone by now”? I know the last time I had surgery, my surgeon said there shouldn’t be swelling/fluid after 3 months. So, why is it okay now?
I almost feel like the more I try and move around from doctor’s orders, the more people completely bypass what is going on. “Well, she can get around can’t she”? Well yeah, but it still feels like a brick instead of a knee. So, I feel like I almost can’t move? Almost like I can’t do anything or people just ignore it because it’s assumed to be okay. It’s just kind of annoying.
Another thing is my lack of money. I cannot get a job for my profession, or any job with a decent amount of money, because of my circumstances. It’s hard to explain to my dad why I can walk/run down the street but I cannot get a job. I see his point which leads me back to the feeling I cannot do anything until it’s fixed, but doctor’s orders told me I have to start doing things.
It’s quite obvious my dad is annoyed with me being in my house. Some can say I’m imagining it, but it’s there and it’s real. Sure, my dad loves me but he has a funny way of showing it now. Ever since this whole eating disorder and surgery business, my relationship with my dad is non-existent. We do not talk unless it’s to argue about what to watch on television at night. Yes, a television show. It’s just all kinds of ridiculous.
It has gotten to the point where I have searched for something called a, “Sugar Baby,” on Google because I saw it on Good Morning America. It has gotten this ridiculous. I mean, of course I was kind of searching as a joke, but there are times where I seriously consider it. I brought it up to my mom and she told me I’d be kicked out of the house. So, that’s that. And for those of you who don’t know what a Sugar Baby is… Google it. And don’t change your opinions of me because I’m trying hard to not consider it. And don’t act like you’ve never considered doing a ridiculous thing for money, because dancer/stripper/model/etc.proooooobably crossed your mind at least one time. Unless you’re rich. Then you’re just lucky. But I need money to get out of the house my dad obviously doesn’t want me in…
This is a post filled with ridiculous ramblings but just things I am struggling with right now. I need to get out of my house because my dad makes it apparent he’s tired of taking care of me. I can’t get a job because of my knee. And I’m just wondering when the time is going to come when the swelling in my knee just isn’t right?
Where do I go from here?