where do I go from here?

Swoooooooooooon. It is so much easier for me to wake up in the morning with the weather being in the high 70s all day. I wish it would stay like this year round! There’s definitely a different smell in the air when fall comes around and I kinda like it! I’m pretty sure we all need this shirt. Open-mouthed smile

The only thing I’ve been bothered with lately is thinking of where I am going from here. As far as my knee is concerned, I can get around a lot easier but there is still fluid always in my knee. It’s not just after I workout. It’s not after I’ve been on my feet all day. It’s just always there.

This tiny amount really screws things up. Sometimes I feel like my knee is just kind of floating when I’m standing, so it starts to get this off balance feeling and it’s just obviously off. Regardless of my history, I’m just wondering when there is going to be a point where enough is enough. Where someone says, “Shouldn’t this be gone by now”? I know the last time I had surgery, my surgeon said there shouldn’t be swelling/fluid after 3 months. So, why is it okay now?

I almost feel like the more I try and move around from doctor’s orders, the more people completely bypass what is going on. “Well, she can get around can’t she”? Well yeah, but it still feels like a brick instead of a knee. So, I feel like I almost can’t move? Almost like I can’t do anything or people just ignore it because it’s assumed to be okay. It’s just kind of annoying.

Another thing is my lack of money. I cannot get a job for my profession, or any job with a decent amount of money, because of my circumstances. It’s hard to explain to my dad why I can walk/run down the street but I cannot get a job. I see his point which leads me back to the feeling I cannot do anything until it’s fixed, but doctor’s orders told me I have to start doing things.

It’s quite obvious my dad is annoyed with me being in my house. Some can say I’m imagining it, but it’s there and it’s real. Sure, my dad loves me but he has a funny way of showing it now. Ever since this whole eating disorder and surgery business, my relationship with my dad is non-existent. We do not talk unless it’s to argue about what to watch on television at night. Yes, a television show. It’s just all kinds of ridiculous.

It has gotten to the point where I have searched for something called a, “Sugar Baby,” on Google because I saw it on Good Morning America. It has gotten this ridiculous. I mean, of course I was kind of searching as a joke, but there are times where I seriously consider it. I brought it up to my mom and she told me I’d be kicked out of the house. So, that’s that. And for those of you who don’t know what a Sugar Baby is… Google it. And don’t change your opinions of me because I’m trying hard to not consider it. And don’t act like you’ve never considered doing a ridiculous thing for money, because dancer/stripper/model/etc.proooooobably crossed your mind at least one time. Unless you’re rich. Then you’re just lucky. But I need money to get out of the house my dad obviously doesn’t want me in…

Le sigh.

This is a post filled with ridiculous ramblings but just things I am struggling with right now. I need to get out of my house because my dad makes it apparent he’s tired of taking care of me. I can’t get a job because of my knee. And I’m just wondering when the time is going to come when the swelling in my knee just isn’t right?

Where do I go from here?


26 thoughts on “where do I go from here?

  1. all I can say is just do. I know that is vague or whatever but I think I almost didn’t accept my first job because I was scared of that change. I tend to avoid change but after many experiences of realizing how good change is, I now force myself to say yes a bit more. I think you have more skills and expertise than you think – maybe a change of scenery? a whole new place? think about it lady. You have a ton to offer this world

    • Honestly, I’ve thought about moving somewhere completely different to get myself away from here… But I don’t even have enough money to do it. Even if I get a job wherever I go, it would be impossible for me to afford rent/things with the skills I do have right now. :-/

  2. I can relate so much! The bit about the job situation is similar but instead of a dad, I’m in a horribly miserable relationship. And I’ve thought about the sugar baby thing and related as well. You’re not the only one. I kind of thought I was though ! :). It’s frustrating. :(. I’m not sure about you, but it makes me feel a bit useless and hopeless for my future. Like…will I have one that is any good?

    • I “future trip” all the time which, I believe, is my biggest problem! I always just worry about the steps I have to take to where I want to go and when they don’t happen… I freak out.

  3. What if you looked for a desk job? I know it’s not what you want to do (teaching), but it could help you to get some work experience under your belt and get a little extra money. I can say from experience at my job, that I’m not really up and on my feet THAT often.

    • I know the entire time I was student teaching I was on my feet. Being in math, I always look around at what each student is doing as a process to solve a problem. It’s hard to get each student to come up and show you with 40 minute class periods. I’m trying to find something which would be worth the gas money versus the salary. It’s hard to find anything around here both beneficial and something I could see myself doing.

  4. My relationship with my dad is very similar. He just doesn’t understand why people can’t just change things. Or just stop. He never understood crying when we were upset (and he has 2 girls). He just expects everything to happen instantly. It can be hard to handle because then you resort to things you normally wouldn’t to get out of whatever situation you are in.

    Jut hold your head high and don’t settle– you are worth way more than anyone can pay you. Fact.

    • It is just hard because he used to be so close with me. He definitely doesn’t understand how anyone can develop an eating disorder and, frankly, doesn’t care to try and understand it either. It’s just upsetting to sit and think back to how close I was with him and now he just wants me out of the house. It’s just pretty bad when I start looking up ridiculous job references because I feel like I’m really not wanted here. :/

  5. Don’t let this get you down and feel worthless. Just because you don’t have a job at the moment doesn’t mean you were lazy or a burden to your dad. I can relate so so well to the tension between you and the moment. It was the same for me after I finished school and was unsure about what to do and it’s just like that again now. But only you know the whole story. Only you know just how much your knee hurts and hinders you from moving out and about. And it obviously doesn’t give you the greatest self-confidence to know about this which is totally understandable. Just not for people who only look at you and judge right away without asking.
    What helped me at least a little in regards to my dad was being proactive, mailing out applications even if I was almost sure I didn’t have a chance at being accepted. Maybe there really is a desk job (in administration probably?) you could get just to get you out in the first place? Remember it’s not forever and with your skills I have no doubts awesome opportunities will appear in the future. Keep going!

  6. My dad and I had a HORRIBLE relationship since I was little. We never spoke unless it was to fight, and there was always a double standard between me and my sister. Once I moved out, things were a little bit better, and once I finally moved 6 hours away we can kind of handle each other. I would just say to do what YOU need to do to enjoy your life.

    • My relationship with my mom was the same way (until recently). The more distance we had, the closer we became with each other. And I think it’s just so HARD because my relationship with my dad was NEVER like this growing up. I was such a daddy’s girl it was ridiculous.

  7. I’m not very close with my dad and I have never actually lived with him. I can understand the awkward frustration of feeling like someone doesn’t want you around though and that is awful. I know as parents they want us to be successful and sometimes it can come off harsh, but isn’t always meant to be. Have you considered talking to your dad about how you feel? I’m not sure how that would go or if it’s even an option..but it’s just an idea!

    • We’re both really shy with talking about feelings. And if I do bring it up, he’s the type of person who just feels awkward so doesn’t want to talk about them. We were always so close growing up, but never talked about personal feelings so I think it’s why it’s hard now.

  8. Wait, where can I buy this shirt?! There were actually girls from my college that were sugar babies… True story. One of them drove a brand new BMW. Can’t imagine what she had to do for that (pukes on keyboard)

    • Click on the shirt to go to the website! 🙂

      And ew. Yeah, I told my mom I would be one of the sugar babies who is prude and only goes to dinner with them or anywhere public. LOL just ew.

  9. I understand your frustrations and worries so much. I was fortunately never in a position where I might actually get kicked out of my house, but after working for 12 years in a job that paid decently and had really good health insurance, I had to quit because it was very physical and I have chronic wrist and back problems. I’m also Diabetic, so not having health insurance has always been the scariest thing I could think of. It took me 8 months to find a job, and during that time, I went through every scenario – how will I pay medical bills? How will I live with no income? What if there is NO job I can do since my problem is my wrists (it’s hard to type, lift, rotate, etc)? It was VERY scary. Can you try temp work – a lot of times that is desk work, and can lead to a full time job. It’s not what you want NOW, but it’s a start to lead to better things. You seem really on top of things and very personable, you’d probably do really well in a customer service call center – Progressive Insurance, American Express (they have great benefits), etc. Again, probably not your dream career, but a definitely start.
    Just remember, as bad as it seems, your dad will probably NOT kick you out. It may get really horrible, and it’s not like I know you and your family, but it seems like as mad as he may get, he would not leave you without a place to live.
    Do you have friends and family with connections who might be able to get you some interviews for non-active jobs? LinkedIn can be great for that. And maybe including your dad in the job search will make him understand how hard it is to find something you are physically able to do at this point.
    This is becoming a really long comment, but also, about the “this isn’t getting better but everyone else has moved on” issue – I have been there, too. “You had surgery, it’s been a year, aren’t you fine now?” “You look fine, what do you mean you can’t do that?” Can you make an appointment with your doctor and explain that you are doing everything you were told, and it’s not improving?
    It took 12 years to find out what was wrong with my wrists (the correct diagnosis, that is – there were many wrong ones), and during that time, I went through a ton of issues of people just not believing there was a problem or thinking I was being a drama queen. When I was finally diagnosed with an actual wrist bone deformity in both wrists, I felt SO justified (but it wasn’t any less painful).
    I mentioned before, I’m about 15 years ahead of you in life, but have gone through some similar things (on top of everything else, I have been diagnosed with Asperger’s, which has always caused me problems, but no one believes is “real”, much like eating disorders). If you ever need anything, my e-mail is DarcyJ76@me.com, please feel free to send me a message any time. Now that I can look back, I like to think I have some insight or helpful words!

    • This is definitely an uplifting comment and you do have some helpful advice! My dad does understand where I am at physically but I don’t believe he understands my frustration about the incorrect diagnosis. It is so hard when people around you think you’re fine when really, you are nowhere near fine! I’m trying to contact my doctor this week, so we’ll see where it goes from there! I always think about getting a desk job or something but I live in a really small town with not much around me. I’ve tried craigslist and everything. The only jobs available wouldn’t be worth it for the amount of gas money to get to it. It’s SO frustrating! Thank you for offering your e-mail. If I need anything, I’ll definitely contact you! 🙂

  10. haha there is a true life episode about sugar babies! I have definitely thought about how much money I could make stripping. I have told Jeff once or twice I was going to quit my job to strip. But I am not that confident so here I sit at my desk job!

  11. It’s tough. I went through/am going through a similar situation with my mom. Eating has always been a battle for me, and her response to it has caused tension in the past. We finally just had to talk through everything and really try to listen to each other. I started focusing on being less of a perfectionist and realized that I don’t have to have it all figured out right now, but I should keep trying to figure it out and work towards my goals. Just know you aren’t alone! I don’t know what it’s like to deal with a knee injury like yours (sounds rough), but getting overly stressed about day to day life is right up my alley. You seem really motivated and things will happen, so just keep trying and keep an open mind for jobs even if you don’t think it’s what you want. My current job surprised me that way.

    • I definitely try to keep an open mind about jobs but I tend to get stubborn in the fact it’s not what I went to school for… It makes me feel as though I went through it all for nothing. It’s frustrating. I had the SAME problem with my mom, but we’ve become so much closer throughout this past year. It’s a complete 180, actually!

  12. I can definitely relate to all that you are feeling love! I know it can be tough to stay strong and positive but just know that everything changes when you can really focus on all the good in life.
    I definitely get anxious when I think of change, but I know that if I don’t do something things will stay the same and at certain parts of life it’s just needed.
    You have so much to offer, don’t overlook all the positive attributes you have!
    Just do what makes you happy, regardless of what other people think or say ❤

  13. This is so tough… I feel so much for you right now! It can be so hard to have a rough relationship with a parent and feel unwanted. I know it’s dumb of me to say “don’t feel that way,” but don’t! You are not worthless in any way shape or form. I know you can get through this and you will figure everything out. Just take a deep breath and give yourself a break. You can and will get through this! <33

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