There are some days I cannot understand my life. At all.
I know the journey of life is living each day as its own; never looking back and dwelling on the past. I wish I could figure out how to do this and just move forward, but I cannot (for the life of me) just focus on the future.
It’s so true you can never expect for someone to accept, love, and respect you when you do not have any self-love or respect for yourself. It’s impossible because every time someone shows the slightest bit of distance; you will assume you’re worthless of time and convince yourself the distance is your fault.
Self-love is important if you want to build any relationships. There cannot be any doubts or second guessing or you will drive yourself insane.
Is it just me, or does everyone forget you learn from the past? Sure, you have to live for today and cannot dwell on the previous days; however, if you forget what happened you will never learn and take caution with your decisions. You own them, but you should never make the same mistake twice. It’s going to be just as hard as the first time.
It’s almost like you’re in the safety of yourself, but once you break the boundaries… You’re all out in the open. You’re open to fire. You’re open to let downs. You’re open to emotions you do not want anymore. And sometimes, you’re open to realizing you really don’t like yourself.
You really don’t like yourself at all.
You’re paranoid now about everything. You’re emotional about things which shouldn’t upset you. You’re bipolar at times you shouldn’t be bipolar. You have a short string. A very short fuse which ignites at the flip of a switch. Immediate ticking time bomb and when you explode… You realize you cannot go out in public this way. So you begin to rebuild the walls again while the pit of your stomach aches on the inside. You’re sick of yourself.
It doesn’t help I have all the time in the world to just think. And now, I am coming on another surgery where I will be down for the count for who knows how many weeks/months. So much time to think… too much time to think. I am my own worst enemy.
I really am my own worst enemy. And my only demon is the one I hide in myself.