truth be told…

I ran today.

It isn’t much of a confession as it is a blind statement. There is so much going on and it feels like I’m carrying a suitcase in my chest. It’s just gathering more and more pieces while slowly weighing me down. And don’t even think about sitting on it to try to get it to shut, because there will be frustrations and blurbs of emotion popping out left and right.

I ran four days from my next surgery.

It’s not so much of a surgery, but a “cleansing” of my knee. It’s still a scope, though, and still another surgery. Afterwards, I will have to walk around like a pirate with a peg leg while struggling to use the bathroom because my leg is locked straight. Those are the worst (but funniest for everyone else) times of the surgery.

And who knows how long it will be until the swelling goes down. Oh, the swelling. My arch nemesis in disguise. For a “normal” human being (I use the term “normal” loosely), the swelling should go down pretty fast from a “cleansing” surgery. For me, it will probably take months.

And who knows if this is what I need for my knee? Certainly, I have exhausted all blood tests, liver biopsies, and bone scans to rule out anything and everything. Osteoporosis? Nope. Liver disease? Nope. Healthy as a horse if a horse had a bum knee.

It’s weird because right now my knee is in no worse of a shape than it would be on a day I didn’t run. It’s not more swollen or more painful. Just about the normal, but the endorphins are making everything easier to deal with right now.

At this time, I need one of those huge screaming, shouting, punching, and dramatically crying scenes in a movie so I can empty myself of emotions. It is to the point I turn crimson red when I am the slightest bit overwhelmed because this damn suitcase on my chest is packed full. It cannot hold anymore disappointment or anxiety, so it turns it into bright red cheeks instead.

So, yeah… I ran today. It felt good. I needed it. I figured now would be the best time as any, right?


17 thoughts on “truth be told…

  1. I have no clue the pain you’re going through and know it’s an ongoing thing, but you know, I can understand why you ran. I remember having to go to the doc for blood tests for being anemic and at one point, I was so anemic that I couldn’t run. I remember the doc telling me I couldn’t run for 5 weeks that day (until my next appointment, when I was allowed to run again bc my hemoglobin level was up). So after that every time I went, once I could run, I always ran before I went. I’ve heard others do this too when they suspect an injury may take them out of the sport.

    I hope the surgery goes well. Keep us posted. I’m glad to see you’re writing again because I really missed your blogs!

    • This is how I feel right now. I figure if I can make it through my run with slight discomfort, I need to enjoy it while it lasts… Because I never know when I’ll hear the words, “You can’t run anymore”. I missed this little space, too. It’s always nice to just… vent. ❤

  2. Thinking of you pretty girl! I honestly wish I could come just magically fix your knee. You didn’t do anything to deserve all of this, and I can’t imagine how hard it would be to have to deal with this. Stay strong, and keep making yummy treats to keep your mind off of it 🙂

  3. I cannot even imagine how tough things are for you right now as you’ve been going through the issues with your knee for so long. It makes sense that it feel like you have a suitcase in your chest–between your knee and other things going on. I will be praying for your next surgery, and that the swelling will go down quickly so you can heal and get back to what you love <33

  4. I think before surgery is a great time to run- a good reminder of what’s to come. Because eventually they are going to figure out whats going on and you will be ‘non-peg legged’ again, I promise! Hang in there lovey!

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