living on the edge

I feel like I am “on edge” right now.

One of those times when you just feel at any moment you could just crack. Every little thing annoys you including the sound of your own breathe or someone else tapping his fingers. One of those moods.

I try my best to stay out of these moods. I know I have wayyy too much time on my hands right now to think and, to be honest, it’s killing me. I am not good with downtime and allowing thoughts to fester in my head. They just start to eat at me in the worst way and I cannot distract myself enough to just let them go.

I hate the feeling of having no control over things. I hate having so many unanswered questions to things in the future and feeling like I have nowhere to turn for certain things. Who do you go to when you feel like you have no idea what to do for a career? I am so confused about my life and my future it makes me feel physically sick.

All of the issues with my knee have thrown me a lot of curveballs. Can I teach now? Do I want to teach now? Am I capable of teaching now? Will teaching really make me happy when I was stressed 24/7 during student teaching? What can I do with a mathematics degree? Should I go back to school? Should I take online classes?

Then, the present worry/annoyance of my life… money. Obviously, it all revolves around money. Right now, I am spoiled. Not spoiled rotten. I don’t drive a Audi or a BMW. I don’t have a credit card to purchase oodles and oodles of clothes; however, I am spoiled compared to some of those around me. And, to be honest, I really don’t like it at all. I feel bad for my parents. I feel like a failure. I want to be able to support myself. I want to live a life fulfilling myself with feelings of… just being successful.

Sometimes I sit and think of writing in a forum about opinions of those who made career changes. These people do not know me, though, so I feel it would be a pointless request.

I am just confused. Confused and overwhelmed with entirely too much time on my hands during this surgery recovery.

Until next time,

xo Laur

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14 thoughts on “living on the edge

  1. Sometimes you really just have to get out there and take a chance with it and see what happens. I know that’s kind of clique, but when I got my current job, I was so scared because I didn’t know If I really wanted to be in my field or not. In college, I didn’t want to be a tech writer, and my first job was pretty horrible. Not going into details, but some shady, bad things went on at my workplace- and I was majorly unhappy. If I hadn’t taken a chance, I wouldn’t be in the job I’m in today- which I love. It’s tough- sometimes you just have to apply, interview, give it 100% and trust that things will work out, but it’s much easier said than done.

    • It is much easier said than done, but it’s good advice! Honestly, I feel like I wouldn’t be happy in the school environment anymore but I have had so much down time to talk myself out of it I wouldn’t know right now. I feel like I would love to have some kind of job in a hospital for some reason… Maybe after spending so much time there, but my degree has nothing to do with nursing or anything. It’s just frustrating to think of starting over and having my money go down the tube.

  2. In my worst of social anxiety, I honestly felt like I could relate to this so much. Honestly, I just started working in something that had nothing to do with my major or first job post college and I could not have been happier. You need to listen to what you really want in life. Maybe it’s teaching…maybe it’s not…

    • I just feel like I have no idea WHAT I want in life. I feel so confused sometimes. I’ll think about one career but I just don’t know what I want… It’s so overwhelming.

  3. I know this isn’t easy at all, Lauren. My advice is to always trust your instincts, remember that it’s never too late to try something else, and do what makes you happy. I know it’s often easier said than done, but don’t feel locked in to anything.

    • I know a lot of people change their careers numerous times, but my biggest obstacle is money. I’m already so deep in student loans and the last thing I want to do is start over and have all the money go to nothing. I’m just trying to figure out if I want to do something (other than education) in the mathematical field or… I just don’t know.

  4. I am in the same freaking boat!!!! I don’t have knee issues but literally everything else I completely relate to. It’s so frustrating and overwhelming. And when I get overwhelmed I become like paralyzed. Oy! I hope we both find some peace of mind and clarity!!
    Love you lady😘

    • It’s the worst when your head is almost spinning because you just DONT know which way to go. I just feel so stuck… Or as you put it “paralyzed”. That’s a great way to put it, actually! haha!

  5. I know exactly what you are going through!!! I went through basically the same thing! Although I never had an injury like you. I went to school to be a teacher and that is not what I do now! You don’t have to figure it out now. I know how it feels to rely on your parents but I am quite positive they enjoy it and want to do it for you, that’s what they are there for!! I know how those thoughts can take over your mind… All I can say is try finding something/anything you enjoy to occupy yourself. Like blogging about it 🙂 You are so young and you have plenty of time to figure things out. Hang in there!

    • Thank you for the words of encouragement :o) I’m definitely trying to think of ways to reach out to people, but on online forums you get a lot of sarcastic people or people who don’t really understand you as a person. It’s hard to put into words a way to describe myself and I feel like it’s hard to even put my thoughts into sentences half the time! I’m not sure if my parents really ENJOY having to pay my bills but I do know they love me. It’s hard not to feel guilty about my parents working while I’m just sitting around all the time :o(

  6. I’m sorry this time is so hard for you right now. I say follow your heart about career choices. Think about what you really want to do. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, either. If you try teaching and don’t like it, then move on! Have you ever considered tutoring (I wish you could tutor me in stats, haha!!)? Maybe that’s something you can try. I guess you just never know until you try! I know what you mean though, I definitely fear that I won’t like my career field. I hope your knee is starting to feel better, Laur!

    • It is a huge fear of choosing the wrong career. It’s hard because I’m not able to try certain things out because of my continuous knee surgeries, but I have tutored already on and off! I do enjoy it but I just don’t know if I could deal with the constant pressure of teaching. I’m SUCH a perfectionist and it really was hard for me during student teaching to learn all things are not going to go as planned AT ALL. I could definitely help you with Stats any time!

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