I feel like I am “on edge” right now.
One of those times when you just feel at any moment you could just crack. Every little thing annoys you including the sound of your own breathe or someone else tapping his fingers. One of those moods.
I try my best to stay out of these moods. I know I have wayyy too much time on my hands right now to think and, to be honest, it’s killing me. I am not good with downtime and allowing thoughts to fester in my head. They just start to eat at me in the worst way and I cannot distract myself enough to just let them go.
I hate the feeling of having no control over things. I hate having so many unanswered questions to things in the future and feeling like I have nowhere to turn for certain things. Who do you go to when you feel like you have no idea what to do for a career? I am so confused about my life and my future it makes me feel physically sick.
All of the issues with my knee have thrown me a lot of curveballs. Can I teach now? Do I want to teach now? Am I capable of teaching now? Will teaching really make me happy when I was stressed 24/7 during student teaching? What can I do with a mathematics degree? Should I go back to school? Should I take online classes?
Then, the present worry/annoyance of my life… money. Obviously, it all revolves around money. Right now, I am spoiled. Not spoiled rotten. I don’t drive a Audi or a BMW. I don’t have a credit card to purchase oodles and oodles of clothes; however, I am spoiled compared to some of those around me. And, to be honest, I really don’t like it at all. I feel bad for my parents. I feel like a failure. I want to be able to support myself. I want to live a life fulfilling myself with feelings of… just being successful.
Sometimes I sit and think of writing in a forum about opinions of those who made career changes. These people do not know me, though, so I feel it would be a pointless request.
I am just confused. Confused and overwhelmed with entirely too much time on my hands during this surgery recovery.
Until next time,