There are some things words cannot describe. The sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach is definitely one of them. So many of us try to put our feelings into words, but it never comes out to compile a story of what we really feel at the moment. The act of saying what you feel is so difficult because you never want to say the wrong thing. You are so worried about what to say and what is right to say you forget about what you were talking about in the first place. It is like trying to jump on a merry-go-round. You keep picking a certain spot but it never seems to be a good spot to try and jump, so you try picking a new one again and again and again…
When it comes down to describing how I feel sometimes, I freeze up on the inside. It is like my brain stops working and I forget why I am upset. This begs the question if what I am upset about is really worth being upset about in the first place. Is this really a big deal? Why do I perceive it as a big deal right now? If someone else were going through this, would they think it is a big deal? Why is it only a big deal to ME? Why is no one else affected by this situation?
So many questions. When it comes down to it, none of it really matters. The answers to the questions do not matter. The reasons your upset do not matter. Yes, it is okay to be upset but will it change anything? No. Whatever you decide and say will never be able to create a certain future. The more paranoid you become the more you are consumed by the sheer reality you cannot change anything. It is hard to accept failure. It is hard to accept lost feelings. It is hard to accept death. But, no matter what, you have to accept the fact you cannot change or create something of a certain situation.
You must live life. You must choose life. Life is about taking things day by day. Life is not about dwelling on a past decision, beating yourself up about it, and trying to morph the current situation into something different. I wish I could say this is an easy task, but it is not easy at all. Not at all.
I am trying to learn to just live my life. I cannot dwell on things in the past or think of different ways I should have acted in a situation. The thing is you cannot go back and change your decisions. And most importantly, you cannot predict the future. You can plan and plan and plan conversations. I’ll say, they’ll say, he/she will say… It does not happen this way. This is trying to alter the future which is simply impossible.
You must choose to live life. Nothing more; nothing less.