Hello there! Happy National Running Day to all of the runners out there!
I understand my last post was a little random, but sometimes I just feel the urge to write my feelings. The times I decide to give it a go, it normally comes out a jumbled mess but I think I did a pretty good job of describing my feelings right now.
I am at the awkward position of trying to get a life. Usually, this phrase is used more as an insult; however, I will admit I really do need to get a life. I have the syndrome of straying away from all of my friends. During my surgeries and ED days, I managed to seclude myself so much I did not talk to anyone or touch my phone more than once or twice a day. The only person I would talk to was Elmo and my mom (on good days).
In some time, I managed to find myself in a position of getting out of the house. I got to know someone and he (yes, he) somehow got me to leave the comfort of my house, schedule, and leave Elmo for more than 15 minutes at a time. I would love to say this has gone swimmingly, but I am finding myself in about the same place I was a year ago and struggling to kind of accept it. Hence, my last post.
My personality has changed a lot over time and to say I am happy with myself would be a big, fat lie. My personality has morphed into a paranoid and overthinking son of a gun. I have way too much time on my hands to analyze and think about things. And by things, I am referring to all things.
I remember the days I had so much on my plate each day, I had no time to think or worry about anything. I would wake up before the sunrise, workout, go to class, study, sleep, and repeat. Although this life was fueled by my obsession with my eating disorder, I did not get upset very often about anything other than food. I am not used to having time to have feelings and, quite frankly, I do not know what to do with these feelings.
I am no longer used to having friends. I am no longer used to disappointing people. I am no longer used to letting things go. I am not the person who shrugs off things and starts anew the next day. But, I want it. No, I do not want to be a robot but I do want the ability to just let things go and life every day as a new day.
I know I cannot create the future. I know I cannot change people’s perceptions, take back things I have said, or ways I have reacted towards things. I can only take things day by day.
It hurts, though. Like right now… I am hurting. I think I have officially f-ed up something pretty decent and I really do not know what to do with myself. I do not like this feeling of going backwards… But, I cannot undo it. I guess I just have to hope for a better future… No matter what, I just have to keep going forward.
You know what I mean?