happy runners day!

Hello there! Happy National Running Day to all of the runners out there! Smile

I understand my last post was a little random, but sometimes I just feel the urge to write my feelings. The times I decide to give it a go, it normally comes out a jumbled mess but  I think I did a pretty good job of describing my feelings right now.

I am at the awkward position of trying to get a life. Usually, this phrase is used more as an insult; however, I will admit I really do need to get a life. I have the syndrome of straying away from all of my friends. During my surgeries and ED days, I managed to seclude myself so much I did not talk to anyone or touch my phone more than once or twice a day. The only person I would talk to was Elmo and my mom (on good days).

In some time, I managed to find myself in a position of getting out of the house. I got to know someone and he (yes, he) somehow got me to leave the comfort of my house, schedule, and leave Elmo for more than 15 minutes at a time. I  would love to say this has gone swimmingly, but I am finding myself in about the same place I was a year ago and struggling to kind of accept it. Hence, my last post.

My personality has changed a lot over time and to say I am happy with myself would be a big, fat lie. My personality has morphed into a paranoid and overthinking son of a gun. I have way too much time on my hands to analyze and think about things. And by things, I am referring to all things.

I remember the days I had so much on my plate each day, I had no time to think or worry about anything. I would wake up before the sunrise, workout, go to class, study, sleep, and repeat. Although this life was fueled by my obsession with my eating disorder, I did not get upset very often about anything other than food. I am not used to having time to have feelings and, quite frankly, I do not know what to do with these feelings.

I am no longer used to having friends. I am no longer used to disappointing people. I am no longer used to letting things go. I am not the person who shrugs off things and starts anew the next day. But, I want it. No, I do not want to be a robot but I do want the ability to just let things go and life every day as a new day.

I know I cannot create the future. I know I cannot change people’s perceptions, take back things I have said, or ways I have reacted towards things. I can only take things day by day.

It hurts, though. Like right now… I am hurting. I think I have officially f-ed up something pretty decent and I really do not know what to do with myself. I do not like this feeling of going backwards… But, I cannot undo it. I guess I just have to hope for a better future… No matter what, I just have to keep going forward.

You know what I mean?

Later dudes!
xo Laur

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2 thoughts on “happy runners day!

  1. *hugs*. I haven’t been there and can’t really understand what you’re going through, but I have been depressed before (several years ago, just outta college). You just have to keep moving forward, even if you just take baby steps. Baby steps are better than no steps at all. I think after awhile in a rut, it’s like you lose that little glimmer of hope and it’s easier to just stay there, but there’s a lot of world and wonder that you’re gonna miss out there if you do. I think you know that, but I get it… it is hard to take action.

    Really good to hear from you and I hope Elmo is good too 🙂

  2. Keep on keeping on, girl. You have made it so far and you are so strong to go through all of this. Life is so good when you focus on the positive. Find the silver lining…I promise it’s there! 🙂

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