breaking away

Positive thinking is something I struggle with on a daily basis. It’s hard to think positively when things keep going wrong. After all of these surgeries, I definitely have a hard time waking up in the morning with a positive outlook. As far as I see it, “I have screwed up my entire life”.

The thing I don’t realize is how much my negative way of thinking affects everything around me. And not just everything, but everyone. There’s going to come a point where people cannot surround themselves with more negativity since there is already enough in the world. Nobody needs it and nobody deserves it either.

I have a hard time living in the moment. I have to remember even if things suck most times, if I am spending time with people I need to let it go and enjoy it. I shouldn’t be worrying about whether or not they’ll hang out with me again or if I’m boring because I cannot do a lot with my knee. I need to savor the time I spend with people. Enjoy it, love it, cherish it.

I am the person who is down on themselves a lot. Either “things are my fault”, “someone doesn’t like me as a person because I just have nothing going for me”, “I’m boring”, “How can you stand me?”, “I know you’re just with me because you feel bad for me”, and pretty much everything comes back to me being a shitty person. The thing is nobody is saying these things about me… But me. I am using my own self worth to portray how others view me. And you know what happens? You lose people. Fast. Until now, I didn’t realize how much it effects other people.

If I had someone say to me the things I say to other people in my moments of self loathing, I would probably avoid me too. At this point, I have screwed up a pretty good friendship trying to analyze every detail and go way overboard with the whole “woe is me” thing. Yeah, I can talk about my problems but when it comes to using my problems as a reason for others not to like me… things get ridiculous.

I did not realize until it was too late how in the wrong I was in this whole thing. If I had someone constantly tell me “oh, you must hate me,… blah blah blah”; well, I would distance myself from them. I mean, I was pretty much setting myself up for disaster. I cannot believe I did not see this sooner. I feel like I was living my blinders over my eyes.

Ayiyi. I just hope things get better from here. You live and learn sometimes and things will hurt you, but there’s nothing you can do except pick up the pieces and move forward. You need to break away from the negative self image of yourself and start living in the moment. You must always believe you deserve happiness.

Until next time!
xo Laur

Advertisements

15 thoughts on “breaking away

  1. I believe that even if you feel crappy, you can choose to at least try to feel a different way. It’s one of those “fake it till you make it things” After practicing feeling and acting positive, it becomes more natural 🙂 Just a thought

    • You’re definitely right! Whatever attitude I seem to “practice”, the easier it is to have the attitude consistently. It’s frustrating, though, when you just CAN’T fake it sometimes. haha!

    • This does help! I’ve done this a few times because I am TERRIBLE at journaling, so just thinking about one thing every day I am thankful for is a step in the right direction.

  2. I can definitely relate to how you feel! I too struggle with seeing the good in myself and what’s around me. I constantly feel like others don’t like me. I know this is a reflection of my own insecurities and getting down on myself for struggling so much. Try to cut yourself some slack. No one is perfect and everyone struggles. Maybe you can try writing down one positive quality about yourself or reading a positive story every day to combat the negative feelings.

    • It definitely helps to think of one positive thing a day. I think the biggest thing is trying to please other people all the time. I hate letting others down and end up losing my own self worth and the ability to make MYSELF happy.

  3. Lauren,
    I apologize if I’m intruding on your personal space. I came upon your page purely by accident. Your heartfelt thoughts did catch my eye, so I did want to comment. Our unique differences in the world make us all special in one way or another. How we choose to view these differences often determine our own happiness. You are a beautiful young lady and you sound like you have a big heart. As hard as we find it to love others sometimes, it can be even harder to learn to love ourselves. We all have light to bring to the world. We only have to look for it. It’s important to let that light shine on your inner self as well. There are as many people in the world as there are opinions. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I can tell by your writing that you do feel things deeply. That is not a curse. It’s a blessing. After experiencing many tragedies in life, I’ve learned that feeling things deeply is important. It has allowed me to want to see everything around me each day, whether it’s the cry of a new born baby, someone who needs something, or just people going about their normal day. Remember that you are special. We all are in one way or another. Remember that you have a lot to offer the world. You need to remember that Lauren is good person…..I think you’ll find that many others think so too……

    Be well and be kind to yourself……

    I apologize if I am out of line with this reply….

    Frank O’Laughlin
    (A stockholder in Dunkin Donuts…LOL)

    • Hi Frank! Do not apologize for such a heartfelt comment. This space is public and your opinion is taken to heart! Thank you for the kind words and I know the hardest thing in life is to be able to feel your own self worth. I find myself questioning my own abilities daily and, though I wish I could believe I can do great things, I lack the ability to prove it to others. Unfortunately, in present day this is the only way to land a full-time job. I wish others would know how hard working I am by my resume alone. Again, thank you for the nice words. It’s always nice to read :o) And thank you for supporting Dunkin Donuts HAHA! ❤ Coffee addicts unite!

      Lauren

  4. Hi Lauren-

    I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling right now. I went through a time in my life where I was very “woe is me” and “everyone hates me/is against me”. It was really hard, but looking back, I know it was much harder on the people that I hurt in the process of being that way.

    It’s really hard for me to tell you what to do, or what not to do. Every person is different and has their own way of moving forward with things, and approaching problems, and with surrounding themselves with positive things. Sometimes keeping a journal helps, but for some, it only helps you soak in your problems more.

    My advice is to find positivity no matter what- Whether it’s in a person, a pet, an activity, a band. Something that makes you feel truly yourself, and good about that. When you find it, hold on to it no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. Then go from there. Sometimes being in your own head to much, over thinking things can also make things bad. It sounds like this is what you’ve experienced. My advice here is to try to think only with your heart. Catch yourself when you are analyzing in your head, and say “No, head, please stop this!” Then try and think and act with how things make you FEEL instead of with ASSUMPTIONS, and THOUGHTS. If you feel that someone doesn’t want to be around you, ask yourself “Do they feel that way? Or is that just how I feel, so it is my assumption that they feel the same way?”

    Good luck, Lauren.

  5. Lauren,

    As the week begins and I post my meteorological tracking data to my FB groups here on Cape Cod, I thought of you and wondered if you had replied. Thanks for letting me share a little bit of your life here. I have learned so much from others and their lives as they deal with life each day. I can tell by your words that you have so much to offer the world, but that you feel constrained in your attempts to show it. I know this is hard, but time can sometime be an ally as much as it is a thief in the long term. Sometimes it takes others longer to realize our potential then our own patience allows. Keep reminding yourself that good people that work hard with kind hearts do make the world a better place. Some cannot see this, while others take longer or are afraid they may open themselves to get hurt. Remember that Lauren is in the world for a reason. A kind heart makes that reason a good one. Try not to be depressed because some cannot see who you really are. It is not your fault that many wear blinders to the wonders that exist around us each day. In time you will find people who can and do see you. They will make the wait worth it in the end and will be people who give you a chance to spread your wings and fly. May kind thoughts and good luck be with you….

    Until next time

    Frank

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s