Positive thinking is something I struggle with on a daily basis. It’s hard to think positively when things keep going wrong. After all of these surgeries, I definitely have a hard time waking up in the morning with a positive outlook. As far as I see it, “I have screwed up my entire life”.
The thing I don’t realize is how much my negative way of thinking affects everything around me. And not just everything, but everyone. There’s going to come a point where people cannot surround themselves with more negativity since there is already enough in the world. Nobody needs it and nobody deserves it either.
I have a hard time living in the moment. I have to remember even if things suck most times, if I am spending time with people I need to let it go and enjoy it. I shouldn’t be worrying about whether or not they’ll hang out with me again or if I’m boring because I cannot do a lot with my knee. I need to savor the time I spend with people. Enjoy it, love it, cherish it.
I am the person who is down on themselves a lot. Either “things are my fault”, “someone doesn’t like me as a person because I just have nothing going for me”, “I’m boring”, “How can you stand me?”, “I know you’re just with me because you feel bad for me”, and pretty much everything comes back to me being a shitty person. The thing is nobody is saying these things about me… But me. I am using my own self worth to portray how others view me. And you know what happens? You lose people. Fast. Until now, I didn’t realize how much it effects other people.
If I had someone say to me the things I say to other people in my moments of self loathing, I would probably avoid me too. At this point, I have screwed up a pretty good friendship trying to analyze every detail and go way overboard with the whole “woe is me” thing. Yeah, I can talk about my problems but when it comes to using my problems as a reason for others not to like me… things get ridiculous.
I did not realize until it was too late how in the wrong I was in this whole thing. If I had someone constantly tell me “oh, you must hate me,… blah blah blah”; well, I would distance myself from them. I mean, I was pretty much setting myself up for disaster. I cannot believe I did not see this sooner. I feel like I was living my blinders over my eyes.
Ayiyi. I just hope things get better from here. You live and learn sometimes and things will hurt you, but there’s nothing you can do except pick up the pieces and move forward. You need to break away from the negative self image of yourself and start living in the moment. You must always believe you deserve happiness.
Until next time!