the unexplained urge

Throughout this whole recovery process, I have a hard time choosing when and how much to run. During this recovery process, I have also read article after article about running and proper training. You would think I’d have it all down pact, but the thing is… I think every single person is different. I want to run untimed and completely uncalculated; however, this would lead me to running until I pretty much keel over on the side of the trail. As someone once said to me, “You would just keep running until you couldn’t anymore,” which is 100% true.

Why? I really love to run. There were times during my eating disorder recovery when I questioned if my love for running was burning calories, the euphoric feeling you get after a run, or both. I do love the fact, “I run for cupcakes, dark chocolate, wine, PSLs, etc.”, but the feeling after a run you cannot replace.

This morning I was planning to run, but after waking up I just felt like elliptical-ing it in my basement while reading on my Kindle. Then, I went to walk my dog so he could do his business and my neighbors dog almost attacked us. It was quite possibly the scariest moment of my life. The dog started pulling her and she was keeping her ground until, well, she couldn’t anymore. The dog pulled her more and more towards Elmo and I while she fell on the ground and desperately tried to hold back, “Daisy”.

Thankfully, the dog calmed down as I walked away with Elmo in my arms with the help of another neighbor and, I guess, from the calm “aura” I tried to keep in this moment. I knew if I ran it would only provoke the dog more (THANK YOU, CAESAR MILAN!) so I just tried to walk back toward my house. When I got home after making sure my neighbor was okay (she was okay), I was shaking so bad and the first thing which popped in my head was, “I need to run. NOW!” I have no idea what I would have done if I watched Elmo be torn to pieces. My gosh, I would have lost it all. My little man Red heart

So, I ran and it felt really good. It is so strange how our minds work as athletes. When things scare us, we go right to the things we absolutely love and make us feel whole as a person. The thing which “defines” us in a way besides being a sister, daughter, lover, teacher, etc. And the feeling after a run (or your favorite type of exercise) is like no other. So badly I wish my life could go back to normal. I love cross training but on days like today I realize just how much I love to run.

My knee issues? Yeah, it is a tough one to explain. I had questionable X-rays on Thursday leading to a scheduled MRI. Scary? Of course. It is always scary when your surgeon gets a concerned look on his face. If this bone graft isn’t being accepted by my body like the subchondroplasty, I am probably going to lose my mind.

My knee seems to get more aggravated standing to talk to someone or bake a cake then it does when it is in motion. It is so strange how I can come home and my knee is barely swollen, but if I sit and type on my computer it turns red, hot, and gets fluid in it. This is the reason my doctors believe it is a sympathetic problem or some type of PSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from all of the surgeries in a short amount of time. It is hard for others to understand but the pain is real. If it is a neurological issue, it’s going to be hard to break; but, the fact my knee feels little random niggles during a run tells me there is nothing structurally wrong with it.

Although today was scary as hell, I am so glad I laced up to run. I needed it. I am scared about this MRI, concerned about… “personal” things (ahem, boys), and all around freaking out over my X-rays. I just needed this run today and thank God it was a good one.

Nicki Minaj helped me get through it, too. Winking smile

xo Laur

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8 thoughts on “the unexplained urge

  1. I think injuries reveal things about us as people and runners, things we wouldn’t know if we were living our lives and running uninjured. Being injured sucks (I was there for 7 weeks- luckily only 7 weeks). In that, I discovered that I did miss running, but I missed the social aspect more than the competitive aspects. I’ve run a TON this month, but no races. Just training runs and group runs. In fact, most of my runs have been with others. And you’re right- when things are tough, we gravitate toward what really brings us joy. I do hope the MRI reveals what’s up so you can run more.

    As far as running by feel, untimed, or uncalculated… have you considered getting into trail running? The whole trail race/run atmosphere is a lot different than road races. Much less competitive and less emphasis on time, more about completion. Of course the events are timed, with winners, etc, but it’s… different. Sometimes I like it, just to break things up.

    And now for something completely different…. I don’t instagram but i see your pumpkin spice chobani picture and am wondering how that was… ;).

  2. I’m glad to hear that you and Elmo are ok! I can only imagine how scary that would have been – I would have lost my shit if that happened to Atticus and I. Even though I don’t do a lot of running anymore, I understand the urge to just drop everything and work out when something unexpected or overwhelming hits. Intense exercise has a bit of an addictive quality, and it can definitely be calming. Sometimes, it’s all you need – but I’m glad you recognize the need for some structure to avoid overdoing it.

  3. I’m glad you and Elmo are both okay. It’s so obvious how close you guys are and I cannot even imagine. I’ve been in situations where a dog has almost attacked me when running and it’s scary for sure.

    I think you have a good relationship with running. You run when you feel like it. It should always be casual like that (if that makes sense). There is never really a need to pressure yourself. That being said, I really hope the MRI goes smoothly and successfully.

    • The MRI did come out pretty well. There’s still unexplained swelling which is just the main issue right now. It just blows up as it pleases.

      And my relationship with running has DEFINITELY changed throughout the years. If anything, this whole surgery thing has definitely taught me the difference between doing what you love and exercise addiction.

      Seriously, Hollie, I was SO scared after it all happened to the point I was visibly shaking. I mean… with a big dog like this you CANNOT control them. So, if it got away and attacked me… I’d be done and so would Elmo 😦 😦

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