actuarial rambles. i am confused.

I feel like I am in a tough position of my life. My mind is bouncing back and forth on what the next step should be for my career.

I know a lot of people say to “trust the process” but my process seems to be going nowhere fast at this rate. I need to take action and I need to figure out what I am going to do because sitting around feeling my brain rotting and becoming worthless isn’t cutting it.

The times I feel unsuccessful and lost are the worst times for me. I end up shutting myself out from the world and pretty much disappearing from the public eye… even my family.

I wish I had some kind of answer for what to do next but I am just so unsure about the commitment. If I go back to school… what do I go back for? Do I take online courses, go to a local college, or commute to a nicer college in Philly?

The site was brought to my attention through a comment; and after perusing the website, I started to consider buying the eCourse package (a whopping $400) to study for the first exam. The thing is… I really, really feel like no matter how much I study I wouldn’t be able to pass these tests.

Throughout my schooling, I knew I could get decent grades by studying my ass off and praying I would pass the next exam. My self confidence was soured by those who just grasped mathematics at a different level. I still say to people there are those who love mathematics and those who are genius mathematicians. I do not fall in the latter.

It just scares me. Do I commit to this or just continue to get some kind of “sign” to where I am supposed to go from here?

I feel so lost and it is kind of getting to me. I wish I could say I do not get into depressed modes anymore, but alas… It’s about the time I admit I am going through a bit of a rough patch. I keep it pretty private these days, but I do not know if that’s better or making it worse.

Who knows? AHH, I don’t know anything!!! (insert over exaggeration)

xo Laur


8 thoughts on “actuarial rambles. i am confused.

  1. I think you should give it a shot. Yeah, $400 is a lot of money but you could go for it and even if you do not pass the test, you will know. Maybe just tell yourself that you’ll do it and if it doesn’t work out that’s a sign to consider a different career path? If you don’t try you may spend years wondering if you could have and sometimes that is worse than trying and failing. If you did fail, the pain would be shorter term than the regret and you could know to move on, maybe? Does that make any sense at 5 AM…

  2. I agree with everything Amy said (above). I think it’s important to just take some leaps and see where it takes you. Who knows, maybe you’ll absolutely love it? That is what happened to me and how I found my current love working at the run store.

  3. Amy definitely has some good advice – sometimes, you just need to take a leap of faith and try something different. If it works out – awesome, then you know it was the right decision. If it doesn’t work out, also awesome – you know that’s not the direction you want to go in. I think that the best way to really figure out what we want in life and in our careers is to explore different options until we find something that really suits us…but it does require some changes and different options along the way.

  4. I’ve realized that life will go on regardless of a failed test. We were created to live and to live happily and if you’re not happy you must find something to change that whether it’s an online course or baking cakes for your friends and family! A test score will not define who you are, and as long as you give it your best effort you have nothing to regret or loose!

    I’m terrible with math too…it’s God awful.

  5. Sometimes I think it’s about taking chances and throwing darts. Sometimes you’ll hit the balloon and win a prize at the carnival and sometimes you’ll fall short. If we all succeeded on the first try- we would never learn from mistakes/failed tests or we would never see what way our path could have gone if we just took a chance.

  6. Having taken a huge leap of faith a little over a year ago and being extremely happy with what came out of it, I definitely say go for it! At the end of the day, it’s better to do something than nothing, even if we fail or it doesn’t end up being what we expected. The thing is, if you don’t try, you’ll never know… and looking back and wondering “what if” is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. Besides… every chance taken is an opportunity to learn and grow. There are no mistakes… just steps along the way 🙂

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