I am probably one of the most awkward people on the planet.
In any given situation, I can most likely make it an awkward moment. Sometimes people tell me it’s surprising or I do not seem like I am uncomfortable, but on the inside I am barely keeping it together.
I am the person in the group of friends who remains quiet. I am the person who says the most inappropriate thing at the worst time because I do not have a filter. The lack of filter really does wonders with getting the side eye. The side eye indicates a wrongfully timed comment or the awkward giggle of another person who doesn’t know whether to laugh or shutter.
It’s an art.
I wish I could say I have it all together sometimes. There are a lot of moments I wish my mind was not going a mile a minute so I could sit down and savor the moment. I have a lot of moments where I will try to remember what I did a certain day and get upset with myself at how much I wasn’t paying TRUE attention.
How many moments or true feelings do I miss because I am stuck worrying or overthinking another situation? How many times do I give myself anxiety because I cannot release myself and just relax?
I am a firm believer in the saying, “Just live”. No matter how many scenarios you run through your head, options you cruise through your mind, or “what ifs” you encounter, you cannot control what is going to happen and you’ll end up putting an insane amount of undo stress on yourself.
Sometimes I wish I could kind of escape my mind for one day. I think meditation would be a good thing for me but it’s hard to even sit down for ten seconds without my mind wondering to, “Should I go back to school? Should I take an online class? Should I try being a live-in nanny? Did I go to this doctor yet? I wonder if I have rheumatoid and it isn’t showing up on my blood tests”.
Believe me I could go on for hours.
The only positive is I pay attention to other people far more than myself. If you’re explaining something to me, especially something which is plaguing you, I am ALL ears. People always comment on how much I remember in detail because I truly care about what other people say to me. I know how much inner thoughts can get to you, so I guess I just want to help people.
I just really, really wish I could fully turn off my anxiety. Like… totally, gone, zip, none. Is there an off button for this? Am I missing it?