a grain of soil

This is going to be a bit of a deep one. I wouldn’t say I’m in a “funk” right now because it is an ever present sort of battle. But, onward…

Sometimes I get so stuck I don’t really know who to talk to at the time or where to start, period. There is so much in my mind I feel as if it might explode.

And, in reality, I am dealing with some serious anxiety issues. For the most part, I can put on a nice smile and play pretend for a while; however, the past two months I have developed a way of making my entire body feel as though it’s 1000 degrees, my face to flush the color of an apple, and my knee turning a variety of colors. All of these are created (I believe) by my anxiety at any given time.

I have said this a long time ago, but I feel extremely uncomfortable in my house. My brothers are doing well for themselves and here I am with a college degree and a slew of problems. I keep wondering where I should go next, but (to be brutally honest) my parents give the worst advice or none at all.

I just feel really lost and there are times when I realize I need to move out and move on… But how?! How do I make money, go to college, and move out all at once? Do I take out loans? How do I take out loans? What should I go to school for and where?

Even now, I can feel my face getting a bit redder and my temperature rising just a bit because I want to scream, “PLEASE SHOW ME A SIGN”.

I know there are people who have it a hell of a lot worse than I do, but mentally I could definitely say I could give them a run for their money.

I feel lost. And I want to escape. This is my test right now, because I have a bad history of treating myself like a piece of dirt when I feel as big as a grain of soil.

xo Laur

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3 thoughts on “a grain of soil

  1. ❤ I can totally relate. I was stuck in that place too, and the worst of it hit right when I was coming out of my ED. I think part of the thing that keeps us stuck at a certain point is the idea that there's a perfect or right way to do something. There isn't. Life is about taking chances and making mistakes. It's not about analyzing or trying to figure out the how or why — it's about taking action, whatever that may be. But no matter what you do, don't start treating yourself like a piece of dirt — that only prolongs the process and makes it that much harder to get out of.

  2. A few years ago I got really sick and had to move home for a while. Losing independence, and a lot of things I feel like you can relate to. I agree with Amanda above in that what I think keeps us stuck is the notion o how we think things need to be done. Letting go of the ‘timelines’ we think we need to follow or the proper ‘path’ is huge, hard but so important. You are a strong chick, and I’m always here if you need anything at all.

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