This is going to be a bit of a deep one. I wouldn’t say I’m in a “funk” right now because it is an ever present sort of battle. But, onward…
Sometimes I get so stuck I don’t really know who to talk to at the time or where to start, period. There is so much in my mind I feel as if it might explode.
And, in reality, I am dealing with some serious anxiety issues. For the most part, I can put on a nice smile and play pretend for a while; however, the past two months I have developed a way of making my entire body feel as though it’s 1000 degrees, my face to flush the color of an apple, and my knee turning a variety of colors. All of these are created (I believe) by my anxiety at any given time.
I have said this a long time ago, but I feel extremely uncomfortable in my house. My brothers are doing well for themselves and here I am with a college degree and a slew of problems. I keep wondering where I should go next, but (to be brutally honest) my parents give the worst advice or none at all.
I just feel really lost and there are times when I realize I need to move out and move on… But how?! How do I make money, go to college, and move out all at once? Do I take out loans? How do I take out loans? What should I go to school for and where?
Even now, I can feel my face getting a bit redder and my temperature rising just a bit because I want to scream, “PLEASE SHOW ME A SIGN”.
I know there are people who have it a hell of a lot worse than I do, but mentally I could definitely say I could give them a run for their money.
I feel lost. And I want to escape. This is my test right now, because I have a bad history of treating myself like a piece of dirt when I feel as big as a grain of soil.