I’m sorry about this morbid post on a Saturday, but it needs to be said at the moment.
There is one thing no one tells you about when you’re in recovery. It’s the feeling of complete loss when you’re getting better. Ultimately, I believe this is the feeling which causes most to relapse.
I know… because it’s happening right now.
I’m not going to tip toe around this topic. It’s hard and it hurts you to the core. You’re getting better and wanting to get out there, but you look around and everything is gone. You forget about the relationships you lost because you chose your eating disorder over love. You forget about the friendships you have ruined because you cancelled plans in fear of food *eye roll*. You forget how much you isolated yourself and turned yourself into… a living, walking eating disorder advertisement.
I reached out to a guy friend of mine I have known for years. I have been through a lot of stuff with this guy (most people would be pissed I still talk to him) and for some reason I never could have bad feelings towards him. He’s the most honest and genuine person in the world. Not once did he ever pretend to like something just to appease me. As an example, think of the girls who pretend to like sports on a first date. Yeah, there was never a fake moment. For this reason, I miss him a lot and it’s unfortunate things just won’t work out to have any type of friendship. However, after I reached out to this guy… the cold, eerie silence was left around me. He wasn’t saying, “I feel this way, too” or anything reciprocating what I said to him (which is a-okay, mind you), but it left me with an unfortunate truth. The truth of my eating disorder stripping me of every relationship in my life.
How did it strip me of relationships? Well, the minute you succumb to an eating disorder you are giving away your soul. Think I am joking? Well, I am not at all. Your entire day is devoted to your one and only love: food. The only thoughts you have are about food. If someone asks you to do something? Oh HELL no! There might be food involved, are you crazy?! Family dinners? PAH, yeah right like I would eat anything fried or made with butter.
Believe me. The only relationship you have when you get an eating disorder is the one between your food and your mouth.
Back to my story. In the dark of night (literally, it was 11pm), I broke down in sobs of tears. It was an ugly cry, if you know what I mean. The thoughts in my head centered around the fact I have no single person who would say to me what I said to this guy. No one. Not one. Not even him. And it’s sad. It’s a sad truth. The fact I have stripped myself of all love and friendship and giggling and happiness is just ten times worse when you’re at a recovery point of things. Your left with wanting to explore life but realizing you’re in your mid-20s, friendless, and have nothing to talk about to people besides your on-going knee surgery recovery. It’s a low point, my internet friends.
I wish I could tell you how to fight this, but I don’t know. I don’t know and, to be bluntly honest, I’m trying to find out before all of my hard work goes to shit. I do know one thing, though. I will be damned if I’m going to go back to being 95 pounds of skin and bones. No way. No way.
PS. Elmo does count as a friend, but I am pretty sure he would have some choice words for me, as well.